Thursday, December 6, 2012

for the pain I would not trade relief

ph: Bimbi Gardel

I met him when I was 16, he was 21. I remember feeling him look at me. I'd never known that feeling before. It didn't take long for us to begin talking. He was everything I loved... music, art, poetry. Within a couple of months I was his. He was mine. My heart beat for him, regardless of who said it shouldn't. How could something this right, be wrong?

I had to make a choice. My family or him. My family that had always loved me, never failed to give me all that they could. My family that would go to hell and back for me. They had protected me from the world. Now they wanted me to choose. I chose him.

Thrown out of the house I seemed to make it. Renting a couch in my friend's apartment for 200 dollars per month. I spent most my time in his bed anyway. He, in his own way was young, he was crazy. For five years we were on again/off again until I left without a warning to to another state. And eventually won back the affection of my family.

My life started over. I wanted it to. I needed it to. I left the past behind and more than anything wanted to move forward with the future. But the problem wasn't something I could run from. Wherever I went, there I was with my heart in hand. Relationships, marriages, alcohol, friends, careers... nothing stopped my love for him.

We saw each other only once. Eleven years after we first made love. We were adults. We were grown. We were still in love. Again, forbidden, I had to choose my family and our whirlwind affair came to an abrupt end.

Fourteen years later I listen to the songs he's written for me. I ache with the loneliness left by not having him close. I don't have hope for new love because he defines what my love is. No other can touch me with his hands or look at me with his eyes. No other can hit the keys, strum the guitar, or sweetly sing to me. For every thing that was bad, for every thing that was wrong, my love hasn't changed. For the pain I would not trade relief. I'd rather live with the ache of not having him then having never had the experience of our love.


  1. You will find love. I believe that every single person has multiple soul mates. The only way to find them is to let the past go and accept it for what it is. Then you have to move forward. Live in the future, not in the past. Get rid of the things that attach you to him, but keep the good memories. One day, you'll love again.

  2. I love stories like this because often people believe teenagers are young and naive. They don't believe someone can love at 16 but I disagree, I think love is love no matter how old you are. Thank you for sharing. I wish you the best of luck with you life and the many obstacles of love that stand in your way. I've been there, it's not fun but it gets better.

  3. I believe you. Something like this has happened to me, I was 16, he was 21, but we weren't together. I do not know whether he has any feelings for me or not, but it's been like 2,5 years and last month I fell in love with a different guy. He is nothing like the first guy, they are very different, but I like him a lot. So you WILL fall in love if you leave behind past and fucking move on.
    Life is not about being everything perfect, no one has perfect life! The same thing in love ...
    I did not believe in falling in love again... but it happened. And this is true - you will fall in love again. Just don't be so overwhelmed with the past - but focus on the future instead.

    You could spent like million years to analyze thing over and over and keep regretting things you've done... or you can just move on and simply enjoy your life.

    I can not imagine my mind being occupied with one person for like 14 years (except he's my true love and we actually ARE together). I'd probably gone mad.

    Why has your family abandoned you? Why did you have to decide between a family and him in the first place?

    1. Many of us are different, and to those who are able to fall in love multiple times - most sincere cheers. However, many of us are, well.. not. It is just how it is, we are not choosing this, we move on, we meet others, we marry, we start businesses, careers - only.. we're not in love since that only time. Ever.
      It is not because of we're not enjoying things, or spend decades analyzing the past. In fact we are desperately trying to close the past off, condition ourselves to live 'in the now' - and we do. But we are incredibly immune to most people romantically. BUT IT IS NOT OUR CHOISE. The fact that you fell in love again, and so soon after a non-success - take the treasure and run.

    2. There is more to life than just waiting for the first love to love us back... There aren't many people who ''succeded'' for the first time. You CAN fall in love multiple times if you love yourself. I hate myself for analyzing things too much. But I do not hate myself so much I would literally suffer through every day thinking about him and how we could be perfect together. If it had meant to be, then we would have been together. But it wasn't, so we aren't. You should accept this fact and move on with your life. Yeah, it does hurt from time to time, but that is life. Shit happens to all of us. Welcome to the real world.

  4. oh my goodness, what a story. i am so sorry, but you write about it so beautifully and you seem to have grown from follower..come follow along! xo
    ps..we have a great giveaway going on, so come enter!!

  5. wow, i can feel you! it is like you are stuck somewhere without the opportunity to get away - for good.

    love your story.

  6. love your story, just always know there is light at the end of the tunnel

    xo Cassy

  7. Shit. That was intense and full of emotion. I'm sorry you had to go through it, and I'm glad you don't regret it.

    Good luck, darling.

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  11. Would i get more attention if i felt this bad for myself?

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  14. wow..its a great article..even im in a place trying to forget some one and believe me its not easy...people say be strong..move on dont hold on to past but really if u hve truly loved this person and sacrfised entirely for this person believe me its never easy.tht and that pain will be there in your heart at all times.but is good to know that there are many out there having the same feelings and experiencing the same pain.i hope,,and pray that as most of them say..u find some one who will love u so much that it will take away your pain

  15. This is beautiful! Love is so addicted

  16. FOUR. TEEN. YEARS. Is that a joke????

    And word, ~KawaiiParadise~, love IS so addicted.

  17. love addict most of the people in the world


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