Tuesday, November 27, 2012

the memory of being loved

ph: margaret durow

I threw out the last of your things today. All of your letters, cards, and mementos are all gone now. That one last text that I had left in my inbox for months, telling me how much you loved me has finally been deleted. I haven’t actually looked at any of these things since the day you told me you didn’t love me anymore. They were more like ghosts. Things that haunted me, stuffed in drawers and closets, marking their territory as places I would have to avoid, unless I wanted to be reminded of what used to be.

The funny thing is, I never kept these things or clung to them because I believed you’d come back. I always knew better than that. I knew the moment you ended it that when you walked away you were walking away for good. And that moment will forever be engraved in my mind, in my heart, in my soul. I can’t shake it. It was like falling down a flight of stairs and landing on my stomach, having the breath knocked right out of me. It’s been five long months since that day. It took me five months to finally dispose of every last reminder of you because I was afraid. I was afraid that by getting rid of those memories that I would forget what it felt like to be loved like that. You fell out of love with me, and a part of me will probably always resent you for that. But at the time that those notes were written, those texts were sent, and those gifts were given, you were in love with me. And maybe it wasn’t the memory of you I was avoiding ridding my room of, but the memory of being loved wholeheartedly by someone.

Five months from the day my heart was given back to me in a million pieces, and I’m better now. I collected most of the pieces and put them back together. There’s just one little crack left, and I think that may always be there. The scar reminding me that I had a first love who I gave all of myself to. But I’m not bitter anymore, I’m free now; free to find someone to love me fiercely with everything they have. Free to find someone to love me the way I will love them.


  1. this sounds so familiar though it has been over a year that happened to me. Believe me, you'll move on and find better things but that scar will probably always be there. Maybe hidden somewhere deep in side or maybe more on the surface. And maybe it'll satisfy you that YOU gave it all.

    A while ago I came to the conclusion that you don't miss that person, you miss being loved. You miss the feeling of being in love and you miss being loved with all their heart.

    Good luck and stay strong (:

  2. I've been reading this blog for about a year and a half now and have never commented. I don't think I've ever read a post and felt like it was 100% my story, but this story is exactly like mine. It took me 15 months to throw away all the letters, cards, and momentos.
    It's true that over time you don't miss the person, you miss the way you felt. When you find someone new, it all melts away. It's true there are still things that remind me of him almost everyday, but I smile at the memories and move on.

    Stay strong. It gets easier everyday.

  3. It's been 4 months since my boyfriend broke up with me and he was my first love too.
    I have also deleted his texts but I will never delete and throw our photos together. It was a part of my life.
    I miss so much the way he made me feel.
    It needs time to feel better and I'm not 100% ok but I hope soon I'll be. However, I think a "scar" will always be there as you say.
    It takes time.
    I loved him so much.
    I hope someday I find someone that loves me the way I love them.
    Wish you the best!!!

  4. my goodness-this comment truly touched my heart and I am sitting here crying as I write this. it seems you and I are almost in the exact same position except I never properly let go and I clung on to him and let him hurt and use me. i miss him most days i put all of his gifts and letters into a box that has been sitting in my room for a few months now untouched and i hope one day i will have the courage to throw them away.
    but for now,thankyou for giving me hope and thankyou for the words.

    i wish you all the best with love.

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  8. Thank you. this is inspirational, brave.

  9. Wow this post was phenomenal. I'm so glad I re-found this website after a few years of forgetting it existed. I can't relate to your story (and I'm currently in the midst of a great relationship) but it made me realize I must keep appreciating all the little moments I have with him, and the wonderful feelings we share for each other. Good luck on your journey. May the sun light your path and be your guide.

  10. THANK YOU for sharing this. it's like therapy for me. and every word you wrote makes sense to me. x

  11. one story i can really relate and i can't help but cry along every sentence. your first love is your hardest love that's for sure.

  12. i feel every sentences and every word. Thanks!

  13. i feel every sentences and every word. Thanks!

  14. You're not alone <3 a lot of us have been there and know how awful it feels/felt. Stay strong and know you have all of our support :)


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