Friday, November 23, 2012

and be with him

ph: cassoday harder

My name’s Fanny, I’m a 27-year-old editor and I live in Northern Europe with the cutest, kindest and most faithful boyfriend a girl could dream about. We both seem happy with a dream job. I could easily spend my whole life with him. But in spite of the love I have for him, most of the time I feel like I’m living a live which isn’t mine.

A few months ago, I received a very cute Facebook request from a guy I met in Southern Europe during my year and a half international student exchange. Then my whole world fell apart. Accepting his friend request was the biggest fear and the highest joy of my life. Then I remembered.

Five years ago, I was a barmaid in a crowded bar when he entered the place with a friend we had in common. He instantly drew my attention, a rebel constantly dressed in black with Joy Division and Pixies tees. We started talking and I knew right away we had a lot in common. I felt he was the only passionate one I could trust and who could truly look into my eyes. I was listening to all kinds of anecdotes he could tell, being careful enough for him not to realize I was actually falling for him. It may sound crazy when you think about it, but I felt we “knew” each other already. At that time I was the only blond specimen among dark-haired local people; I was exotic. I could probably have had a chance with lots of people but, don’t ask me why, I never even dared to ask him out. “Guys like him never stand by themselves”, I thought. Mistake of the century.

Months passed. July came and I soon had to pack my bags and go back home. I planned a last night out to kiss everyone goodbye and there he was, in the middle of the crowd, unaware that I was actually going away until I told him. “This is my very last night here. I’m catching a plane tomorrow and I’ll probably never come back”. His face changed. He swallowed. “Then”, he said, “We absolutely have to go out together”. So we went out. We talked a lot, about books, movies and music, and modern romanticism, and his dream to be a librarian some day, and maybe write a book… A silent seduction insinuated itself and even now I swear I have never felt so close to anybody else. We spent breathtaking moments. He spent the night sharing his secrets with me and at dawn he tried to kiss me. I had waited for this moment for months and it was finally happening. And I turned my head away. Not because I didn’t want to, but because I didn’t want to suffer anymore. I was already thinking about the plane I had to catch the day after and I couldn’t stand the idea. He said he was sorry if he was pushing me, that it wasn’t his intention at all… God, if only he knew. If only he knew! Later I said I had to go to the bathroom. Truth is, I went there crying and I didn’t want him to notice. An hour later I found a pretext to lose him in the crowd and I was gone before he even realized. I had never felt like this before. I had spent pointless years waiting for true love and when it finally came to me, I had to let it go and there was nothing I can do. When I found a slight bit of passion I was catching a plane the next day and I now live in a state of permanent suspended chemistry.

When he found me again a few months ago we started talking and it was just as if our conversation never ended. So now I’m wondering, what am I going to do? He has no idea of what he provoked even if he remembers my last night just the way I describe it. We live 2500 miles apart but every day when I awake I just want to catch a plane and be with him. Some time ago I told him I was writing a book and he has no idea that he inspired me a lot to write about the male protagonist. I wonder what he would think about all this.

He’s passionate enough to wander through the net and catch this blog so, who knows?

I love you, bookworm.


  1. this isnt fair towards your current bf, i d say. dont wait for something to happen before you tell him the truth. you need to choose your path now and here. thats my opinion.

  2. Really cool story!
    Love will cath you, no matter how far you are.

  3. Don't do it. It may seem like a fairytale with butterflies and the love you have been
    waiting for, but look what's right infront of you; your current boyfriend.
    think of the reasons why you fell in love with him. look him in the eyes while you
    think of the other guy without telling. you know it isn't right. don't ruin your life
    for a little adventure

  4. I sounds like a romantic movie, but this is real life. Think of it like a really beautiful memory to carry with you for the rest of your life, and it is beautiful just beacuse it was short. But I if you dump your boyfriend and go after this other guy, you will only regret it in the end. Life is, tradgically, not a movie.

  5. Why don;t you tell him how you feel? I mean you made once the "mistake" of leaving him and going away, why to do it again? :)

  6. I'm with the others, don't take for granted what you already unless you're completely sure of what you want.

  7. Uhhh wake up call. Someone clearly isn't appreciating what they have in their life right now.

  8. I don't agree with the others. I know it must be a hard decision, and it's not impossible to be in love with two people at the same time. But still, if you're in love with someone other than your boyfriend, the relationship doesn't seem right. I would never be able to stay with someone if I loved somebody else more. Even if it's the safer choice. Safe isn't always right.
    I think you should talk to the guy and see if you still feel the same, or if it's just memories and hopes.
    Anyway, it's your life and I hope that whoever you spend your life with, it'll be a happy one :)

  9. Johnny Deep once said: “if you love two people at the same time, choose the second. Because if you really loved the first one, you wouldn't have fallen for the second.”

    i leave the interpretation for you.

  10. When I originally commented I clicked the "Notify me when new comments are added" checkbox
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  11. You should go. I spent this summer falling for a guy at my job, but denied it both for myself, him and my friends, bcause of my bf at the time. When I realized that I cared more about my collegue than my boyfriend I broke up, and dated the second boy a short time. Now he is away for à long time and we barely speak with eachother, it was never that serious between us but who knows what happens in the future when he comes back?! What Im trying to say is that I never regret the decision to break up with my boyfriend, I would have never stoppet thinking about the second guy if i hadn't tried. So dont wait for urself to create à reason to break up. If u have these feelings u will feel better with someone else.

  12. Do something now. Otherwise, it may catch you when it's less convenient. Sometimes, you have to do what you fear the most in order to truly find love. What is the worst that could happen? Lose them both? Then they were never yours in the first place. If it is right, it will work out no matter what you decide to do. Just be prepared if it doesn't work out the way that you expect. But, everything happens for a reason. Including this pull. I say follow your heart/your gut. The two rarely steer you wrong. Best of luck!

  13. Don't live your life wondering if he is your soulmate. If you think about him from sun up till sun down, tell him. Take a chance. You might regret it or you might find the person and relationship you were looking for your entire life. I too live something lived something like this and it isn't fair to yourself to not take a chance when you know in your heart that you truly love him.

  14. Beautiful story. I think it's not fair to the man you are with now to have these conflicting feelings. If you have an instinct as strong as this one, you should explore. If it's not meant to be, then it's not. But you can't spend the rest of your life wondering "what if..."

  15. The ONLY thing worth ruining your life for is a little adventure. Interesting/intense/unique/powerful experiences are the only thing worth collecting in this world, so go have one. It will be cheating and it won't be "right" or "fair", but if we're not a little selfish once and a while, life gets pretty boring. Maybe you'll confirm that you love your bf more than this man, erasing the "what if" specter that would haunt you for life, and return to him with a little secret. Or maybe you'll realize you desperately love this new guy and leave your bf, which is for the best if you're not truly dedicated to him.

    Of course, life is rarely that neat and orderly, so you'll probably end up back where you are now, just as conflicted as before you saw this man again, wondering what to do about being in love with someone that lives 2500 miles away. But at least you will have taken the trip.

  16. Du ska skicka denna text till honom.
    You should send him this text.


  17. I have a fantastic news about the spell cast in it is working, only 3dayss after he started it all. Never in my life have I thought magic would work so fast. My man is acting completely different now and we are making love everyday (last weekend, we did it 8 times in total!). Now I can say that your spells work! Thank you a million times!

  18. You love him.. The man tht stole your heart that summer and never gave it back. Think about it, at night when you are laying beside your bf, who will your heart and mind wander too ?

  19. Great topic, thanks for taking such good care of this website!

  20. That is a nice pic and a great post. Thanks for giving such a wonderful post.


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