Wednesday, October 3, 2012

until i met him

Untitled
ph: andrenzo

I used to think love didn't exist, that everything I read on your blog was fantasies, lies, that romance was a waste of time, that nobody could make me blush, that I wasn't going to find anyone that I wanted to see everyday; to hold on to, to breathe in their scent. Until I met him.

It was strange. The bar was empty, I was lonely, I was bored, I begged my friends to leave. And as they were finishing their last drinks I saw him. We made eye contact, I was the first person he saw, he was the first person where I've felt my body flush with excitement. Now I was begging them to stay. I would look over, he would catch me staring, I would blush & turn away. & vice versa, this continued for over an hour. My friends noticed, they told me we're staying until I talk to him. I was stubborn, 'no, he'll come to me' I said. I didn't realize I was in a group of guys, with my one girlfriend. She gave me a good line so I went over, I don't regret it, it was supposed to happen.

We exchanged digits. We started to see each other, 4 months pass by & we're still just 'seeing each other' I wanted more. I wanted him to be mine. I wanted him to take me, not allow anyone to have a chance with me, I wanted him. He on the other hand, wanted something casual. Didn't want a commitment. I had to break it off, it was sickening this need, this hunger I had for him. I was head over heels. Unable to feel normal, the way I felt before I met him. It was just him, him, him. All I needed, wanted, just him.

The way he smirked when I got awkward, the way he kissed my cheek, pausing for a couple seconds, then pulling away, looking into my eyes. In moments when I would talk too much & he would kiss me, taking my breath away. Sitting in silence, comfortable, knowing that was where I wanted to be. As we would drive, he would place his hand on my thigh, it felt like I was burning underneath my jeans where his hand was placed. Then at red lights, he would grab my fingers and kiss each of them randomly.

I miss him. I miss wasting time in his room, just laying around. I am a virgin, afraid to give myself to him, knowing if I do that he might leave. For isn't that what they want? I can't know. He refuses to add me on facebook, as trivial and stupid as that is, it does bug me, why? What is he hiding?

After a couple months after I broke it off I couldn't help it, I called him, needed to see him. He came down, we went for a walk, talked. After that I didn't see him for weeks. He didn't talk to me for 4 months. I was devastated, once again in this void of sadness. So I forgot about him, or tried to, dated, but nobody was good enough. None of them were HIM.

Now, 4 months later he calls me up. Says he's been stupid, a dumb ass, he finds himself thinking about me, wants to talk to me. What can I do? I give in. I feel like that stupid girl, weak, defenseless. Trust me I am anything but that, except for when I'm around him. So we talked at a coffee shop, saw a movie. Fell asleep on each other throughout the movie, so tired. He drove me home, wanted to see me again. So there I was last Sunday taking a walk with him, running through the woods, giggling. Made me dinner, watched a movie, fooled around a little. Still a virgin. Still scared. I don't know what to do. I've never felt like this before, is it love? I don't know. How can we know if it is? All I know is that when I see him I feel as if everything will be okay, I feel safe, I feel calm. After we part I feel on top of the world, as if I can do anything. He still wants to see me, seems to be putting in more effort. Why? What does he possibly want from me? It's not sex since I'm not giving any. I don't understand. It's almost been a year of this tug-o-war. How can I let him know I want him without scaring him off? How do I show him I care about him without being 'clingy'?

I still want him, nobody else.

15 comments:

  1. patience my dear. you have all the time in the world, your entire life in front of you. make sure it's love and with time you will know. love will make him wait.

    :)
    best of luck. hold onto that happiness and bask in it!

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  2. wow i'm a huge fan of your blog. Please check out and follow me http://anightinnyc.blogspot.com/

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  3. Take your time. If he loves you he will wait. Remember also, the fact you havent given him any, might be why he is around. Some guys love the chase. If its real love, it will happen when its time.

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  4. yea, sexy time, wow wa weia, very nice, jk! you guys look adorable, defiantly take your time, best of luck to you guys, i wish you guys happiness, health and many years together!
    beautiful couples!!!have fun!:)

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  5. He is wasting your time, if he isn't going to want to be with you the way you want him to. then there is nothing there for you. Yeah, he may be nice and all now, but unless he can show he genuinely want to be in a relationship with you, there's no point. Just leave it here, or you will just end up being more hurt than before. Tell him how you feel, what you want from him, a relationship. If that's not what he wants too, you are wasting your time and emotion.

    He wont even commit to adding you on facebook, how is he going to commit to a relationship. You're not asking for marriage and babies, just an attempt at a relationship. Never feel guilty about wanting things for yourself!

    I hope you find love, its the best thing ever:)

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  6. hey sweetheart. It is really love. you love him, i'm pretty sure. but he's just another guy who wants a "flirt" i would say. please move on. otherwise it will hurt, and it will hurt so much!

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  7. I think that if you're still virgin, is because you valorize yourself too much so keep doing that! I know you feel like no one could make you happy but him, but yes it could... You'll find someone who give you all the signs you need without thinking, because it's love.

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  8. It's hard for someone besides you to say if he is worth it all... You should be able to say how you feel.
    I really see myself in you, in your story. And i have maid plenty of mistakes. So reallt listen to your heart.

    And try not to mixup love with desire. and desire with obsession.

    Good luck sweety!

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  9. girl you truly are in love..well that guy I really can't say maybe he wants you or maybe he wants the pleasure but what ever it is he needs you to be with him and for that at the moment he can do anything...stay calm and take things slow, with time everything would work out fine..

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  10. Tell him how you completely feel about him. How would you feel if he dies in the next three hours after reading this comment?

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  11. If he really loves you he would move the earth to be with you and you don't deserve anything less

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  12. If telling him you like him scare him away then it's not right. If it's right you would want to hear that and if it's right it doesn't matter that someone is "clingy" and if it's right you don't even have to think the thought "will he leave me after sex?".
    What I'm meaning to say is: If it's right, it's right.

    He doesn't sound that good though - if I like/love someone
    I want to scream it to the world and I don't care about other guys. Everyone deserves a second chance but if he still doesn't want to add you on facebook... well. You'll find a better one even if it doesn't feel like that today. Sooner or later you always move on.

    And tell him - if sex is a big deal for you then you should be certain of his feelings too. And NEVER have sex if you're doing it for anyone else than yourself.

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  13. Hope for the best but prepare for the worst...Just ask him. You can't put your life on hold waiting for something that may or may not happen.

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  14. Noooo he cant even add u on facebook? What a creep. runnnnnn he keeps coming back to u cuz he likes the challenge, what if she givesit up to me he thinks, if he liked you he would ask u to be his girlfriend and add u on facebook and show u off, he wants your sex, please dont let your virgin heart blind you . He is a ladiesman he wants your xxx

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