Wednesday, October 3, 2012

until i met him

ph: andrenzo

I used to think love didn't exist, that everything I read on your blog was fantasies, lies, that romance was a waste of time, that nobody could make me blush, that I wasn't going to find anyone that I wanted to see everyday; to hold on to, to breathe in their scent. Until I met him.

It was strange. The bar was empty, I was lonely, I was bored, I begged my friends to leave. And as they were finishing their last drinks I saw him. We made eye contact, I was the first person he saw, he was the first person where I've felt my body flush with excitement. Now I was begging them to stay. I would look over, he would catch me staring, I would blush & turn away. & vice versa, this continued for over an hour. My friends noticed, they told me we're staying until I talk to him. I was stubborn, 'no, he'll come to me' I said. I didn't realize I was in a group of guys, with my one girlfriend. She gave me a good line so I went over, I don't regret it, it was supposed to happen.

We exchanged digits. We started to see each other, 4 months pass by & we're still just 'seeing each other' I wanted more. I wanted him to be mine. I wanted him to take me, not allow anyone to have a chance with me, I wanted him. He on the other hand, wanted something casual. Didn't want a commitment. I had to break it off, it was sickening this need, this hunger I had for him. I was head over heels. Unable to feel normal, the way I felt before I met him. It was just him, him, him. All I needed, wanted, just him.

The way he smirked when I got awkward, the way he kissed my cheek, pausing for a couple seconds, then pulling away, looking into my eyes. In moments when I would talk too much & he would kiss me, taking my breath away. Sitting in silence, comfortable, knowing that was where I wanted to be. As we would drive, he would place his hand on my thigh, it felt like I was burning underneath my jeans where his hand was placed. Then at red lights, he would grab my fingers and kiss each of them randomly.

I miss him. I miss wasting time in his room, just laying around. I am a virgin, afraid to give myself to him, knowing if I do that he might leave. For isn't that what they want? I can't know. He refuses to add me on facebook, as trivial and stupid as that is, it does bug me, why? What is he hiding?

After a couple months after I broke it off I couldn't help it, I called him, needed to see him. He came down, we went for a walk, talked. After that I didn't see him for weeks. He didn't talk to me for 4 months. I was devastated, once again in this void of sadness. So I forgot about him, or tried to, dated, but nobody was good enough. None of them were HIM.

Now, 4 months later he calls me up. Says he's been stupid, a dumb ass, he finds himself thinking about me, wants to talk to me. What can I do? I give in. I feel like that stupid girl, weak, defenseless. Trust me I am anything but that, except for when I'm around him. So we talked at a coffee shop, saw a movie. Fell asleep on each other throughout the movie, so tired. He drove me home, wanted to see me again. So there I was last Sunday taking a walk with him, running through the woods, giggling. Made me dinner, watched a movie, fooled around a little. Still a virgin. Still scared. I don't know what to do. I've never felt like this before, is it love? I don't know. How can we know if it is? All I know is that when I see him I feel as if everything will be okay, I feel safe, I feel calm. After we part I feel on top of the world, as if I can do anything. He still wants to see me, seems to be putting in more effort. Why? What does he possibly want from me? It's not sex since I'm not giving any. I don't understand. It's almost been a year of this tug-o-war. How can I let him know I want him without scaring him off? How do I show him I care about him without being 'clingy'?

I still want him, nobody else.
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