Sunday, October 14, 2012

too scared to say

ph: Tamar Burduli

Days like today when all else is done, my time is occupied by memories of you. Every second of every hour are the thoughts of I'd rather be with you.. wherever you are. But you will never know that... why?.. Well because I'm too scared to say what I feel.

Too scared to say- I wanna be with YOU.

Too scared to say- I miss you like heck.

Too scared to say- I'm sorry.

Simple enough, but yet so difficult. How do you begin to tell someone what they mean to you? Or how much they mean to you? It's easy when I think of the "I should'ves" and "could'ves" looking back now, but when the time comes.. I freeze. I guess cause I loved the guarantee that if I didn't speak, then I could always stay close to you. Even if it was just as a best friend. Such a twisted thought, but I knew deep in my heart somehow I always wanted you to be a part of my life. And now; I've messed ALL that up.

The misconception that you just wanted to be "friends" forced me to think, I needed to step back and move on. To allow you to find what you were looking for cause no matter how much I wanted there to be an 'us', I wasn't gonna jeopardize your happiness.

Maybe that was the heroic thing to do.

Not to be selfish (although I wish I could be).

But I feel much like the villain. I lost your trust. And I have no excuses. I don't want to try and make any either. I just want you to know (in your heart somehow) that I think about you all the time and like said before you're not easily forgotten. It's embarrassing that I cannot be strong enough to tell you this but I can write it all down on a screen you will never see. This is my comfort zone, for now, so this'll have to do. And secretly, the little brave part left inside of me, is silently telling you:

I loved us.

I've missed us.

I miss you... but most importantly; I love you.

by Naomi Gonzales


  1. I feel what you feel.
    I'm exactly in the same situation! Some people will say, "just say it. So he'll know and you'll never regret it", but they don't know how does it feel. They don't know we really want to tell that what we feel.
    Or maybe some people say, "I've been there, I tell the boy and he's with me now". Heck, have they ever think that the effect won't be the same for everyone and every relationship?
    But, I assure them, I'll let him know someday and I don't care about the price I have to pay, include losing him. That's how I love him.

    1. It was a whole different story for me. I confessed my feelings, he didn't reciprocate it. 8 months later, here we are. Still very good friends. He's still always there for me when I'm feeling low. And I learned to look past the rejection. It doesn't hurt anymore.
      Naomi, whatever the outcome, in the end you'll always get to say, "I don't regret telling him." The only thing worse than making the wrong decision, is indecision itself. My point is: DO IT.
      All the best! :)

  2. In exactly the same position. Let my ex go because we were in a long distance relationship because, like you said, I thought I was being heroic. But 6 months later, now he's my best friend, I love him still like the day I met him and it kills me to hear about his escapades with other women. But like you I'm terrified of telling him for fear of losing him.

    But I've made a promise to myself to tell him before the year is out because its killing me keeping it to myself. And ultimately, isn't our happiness the thing that is most important?

  3. Say it. I didn't in time and he married someone over night before I got the guts and it is something I am still trying to live with. I didn't think it would happen did. I found out the day I went to tell him. Imagine the horror. It was one of my worst days. If you really feel like that you should say. I know I won't let this happen to me anymore. I will be brave enough to speak my truth. The truth that I am in love. Don't miss your chance.

  4. Yeah, I agree with the comment above... I also didn't say it and now we don't see each other anymore (it was complicated, he was my guitar teacher, only 5 years older than me) and it's been bugging me for 1,5 year. I think about him every day and I still do not know whether he loved me or not. I was too scared to say it and now I regret it so much. Tell him, otherwise you'll be in pain for a long long time.

  5. Sometimes we are scared of telling. But many times, by not telling we might just loose someone special...

  6. Send this to him! You shouldn't be afraid! If you still want to be friends with him, don't let him go. You're going to regret that forever. Tell him how you feel and then at least you'll always be able to say "I tried" instead of "I wish" or "I regret".

    Life's short, you never know when you're gonna lose someone. So don't let him go now.

  7. Awww.. you have put your feelings into words in such a heart-throbbing way.. i can literally feel in every word, what you've been goin through!!

  8. Wow I think every woman and probably most men have felt this way before. I recently read a book by Mark Marino and it helped me get through an awkward stage where i couldn't seem to get a guy to save my life. I bet it could help you

  9. hey see this blog

  10. wow.. reading that just made my heart sink so deep and ache for you.

  11. Hope for the best but prepare for the worst...Just ask him. You can't put your life on hold waiting for something that may or may not happen.

  12. this is so strange i am in the same position and as the distance grows its tearing me to pieces, i'm not comfortable in my own skin anymore and going through depression but i've promised myself once I am happy with myself and comfortable in my skin i will say something i just hope he doesn't drift too far by then. somedays i wonder how it got to this stage

  13. I am in love with my former teacher, who is just one year older than me. He has given me real signs he likes me, but I am worried, that I am wrong, there really are so many beautiful girls in this world that I feel not good enough for him. He may also be married, or gay . but he is so charismatic, handsome and lovely. I keep thinking maybe one day something might happen but it's getting doubtful. He is shy, and I am shy, but from the first day he ever looked into my eyes, that was it. I have a boyfriend at the moment, but although i like him a lot, I don't feel what I feel for my lovely teacher. This has knocked me for six.


Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...