Wednesday, October 10, 2012

it always comes back to that

ph: Seren Coşkun

Change is Hard. I should know.

I am so far beyond not ok that "not ok" doesn't even begin to cover it.
I am completely broken. heartbroken. torn apart. destroyed. i am a zombie.
the little pieces of myself i can get together is what you see walking around, pretending everything is ok.
its not. i haven't been ok for a really long time.
since last fall to be exact. the beginning of the school year is when my life and sanity started going down hill.
no one really reads this so i feel like i can get it out.
i haven't talked about it yet.

beginning in the fall of 2008, i started dating a guy that would end up bulldozing my world. I was head over heels. He was my everything. and i was his whole world. Blissful doesn't even begin to describe what we were. he was my best friend. he knew me better than anyone. he made me feel like i was the most beautiful thing in the world all the time. and i was his. we fit perfectly in every way. he knew how to handle my crazy emotional needs and i knew how to handle his insecurities. we would play all day, go to bed early just to lay in bed and talk. he wrote me notes and bought me flowers. he helped me through some really hard times. my family accepted him as one of us. I knew he was the one i was going to spend the rest of my life with. i was so in love. he was all there was in my world. he had the most beautiful blue eyes. they still haunt me. there isn't a day i don't think about them. or him. i still cry... its been over 7 months since the end.

he had given me a promise ring in the summer of 2009, and told me he intended to replace it with an engagement ring in the winter. he had asked my dad and everything. with that he took my heart again. we started having problems fall of 2009. not as blissful. but i was still as in love as ever. we thought it would be best to take a short "break" from each other to get our lives in order before we committed to each other fully. we wanted to get our relationships with God right. and our families.

during this short week, we didn't see each other as often. but one night i was over at his apartment doing homework. he got up and went to the bathroom and left me on the couch. while he was gone he got a text message. his iphone flashed the message from a girl named Haley saying "Can we just forget about what happened on Tuesday night? It wasn't like me at all and i don't want to be the one to ruin things with your girlfriend."

the blood drained from my face. i couldn't move. the next hour or so is somewhat fuzzy.
I got up from the couch and walked to the bathroom. i demanded an explanation.
I was shaking uncontrollably. he came out of the bathroom and sat on the corner of his bed.
i stood a safe distance away. we sat in silence for a few minutes, knowing what was coming.
I started screaming for an explanation.
he sat with his head in his hands crying.
i threw his phone against the wall over his bed. (denting the wall).
from there is where it gets hazy.
there was a lot of screaming and crying and throwing and hitting.
a broken box fan, shredded clothes, broken glass.
and "How could you do this to me?" was said a lot.
and just like that. my world was leveled.
he had taken every shred of sunshine, every happiness, and crushed it.
i still haven't healed.

the months following were filled with me going out on dates and trying to distract myself.
the first couple were the hardest.

one stands out. i went out on a date with a guy and we came back to my apartment to watch a movie.
i hear a familiar car motor outside. he was out there.
he knew about my date.
i walked out and he was on his knees in the street crying. begging for me to forgive him.
that's the image that is burned into my brain.
that's what breaks me the most.
pure desperation we both have. but i cant ever go back to him.

now, in the spring of 2010, i have been dating someone for almost 4 months now.
he is wonderful. he is sweet. he is caring and sentimental.
he is good for me. he cares about me. he may even love me.
he challenges me. we fight a lot. he pushes me to be better.
we have so much in common. we have fun together. we go out together.
we dance. he understands that i am broken and is patient with me most of the time.
i think i'm falling in love with him. as scary as that is to say. its true.
he makes me feel like i'm not falling apart slowly. like he can hold me together.
but that feeling doesn't last long. when he's away or we are fighting... i feel like i'm dying again. and i think about that wrecking ball that hit me just a few months before.
it always comes back to that.

my heart is still broken. that is clear.
how can i give away a broken heart?
that's not fair to him. none of this is. i try to hide it most of the time.
i want to be ok. i want to love him. it would be so easy. but my heart is in ruins...
all because of one man. one man who threw me away. one man who thought i wasn't enough.
even for a brief second.

now every man i have a relationship with for the rest of my life will have to deal with what he did.
every relationship will hurt because of the damage he caused.
i hate him for that.


  1. I could only think of this...

  2. The shattered phone, dented wall, and crying ex will only haunt you if you let it. Your love was wonderful for some time and that is what you need to take from it. I ask you not to forget the bad but instead embrace the good you had, learn from it, take time, and move on. He was not right for you, so what? Are you willing to punish every potential future love interest because of your ex? The answer should be a solid no. Take time to be yourself, single, and keep trying

  3. Being in love is hard. Breaking up with someone you love is hard. But you are in control of your life. Please believe that. If you go into every potential relationship thinking you're going to destroy them because of how "broken" and "damaged" you are...well guess what? You probably will. Try to look at things from a different perspective. Give yourself some time to reanalyze everything. Be single for a little while, hang out with friends and family. You are too young to be this heartbroken. There's so much more living and loving to do.

  4. While I think the people above offer good advice, I understand completely what you are saying. My first love destroyed my heart and every relationship since I have had since him has left me because I am still completely broken. The thought of him sometimes consumes me and that is the hardest feeling in the world to ever get over. I now have been in love with someone amazing for over seven months now, but whenever we fight or don't get along I think of the first. While I love the new man with all my heart, my heart is still eternally broken because one man who broke my heart into more pieces than I can count.

  5. Give it time, all the time you need. If it takes years, then let it. Never rush your heart to be fixed, it will only take longer time. Talk about it, cry about it until you get so sick of it. Then you talk a little more. Then you know that all is out and you don't carry it around inside anymore.

  6. ... But it's hard to forget, isn't it?

  7. You must give it time. I have been through a very very similar break up and the only thing you must do is there is nothing more powerful that letting time heal your heart back together, believe me in this one.
    I know you must care a lot for the new guy you are dating, but you are going to hurt him. You cannot carry on with a broken heart and having his feelings for you grow deeper.
    Stay single for a while until you feel like your heart is starting or has mended. Of course your pain is horrible and undescribable, but you owe it to your new guy to give him a fair chance and opportunity to love.
    It is not fair for him to be paying for your ex-boyfriends actions in the past. It is not his fault.
    Stay single and heal. Trust me, a day will come :)
    I reached that point, I honestly never thought I would

  8. love!

  9. You should choose the one who your heart really longing for. Nice story!

  10. Wow this is Deep! I really appreciate reading your writing. I kind of- sort of- know exactly how you feel. Its not easy to heal. Yet Why should another man pay for someone else's mistakes?
    I really hope one day you fall in love so deeply and greater then before and that you feel alive and sure of how you feel. That you trust this guy with no doubt. I really do hope so; because if it happens to you it'll happen to me :)

  11. Stumbling upon this post has made me feel better about my current situation... I could be in the midst of a life altering break up. I try to take comfort in one absolute truth: time heals all wounds.

    Thanks for your post,

  12. I think that relationships have its ups and downs but if someone cheating and don't even have enough regret to tell the truth so the other person find out in such a way, then it's so ruined and that person don't deserve a second chance.
    Not taking him back is so strong of you, that you show such selfrespect even though it hurts.

    If you want to figure things out and try to make things better, you should do it together as a couple, not with other people.

    I hope you heal and the right one will come when you're ready for it.

  13. Two things.
    First, you were on a break so while it was terrible that he slept(?) with someone else, technically you weren't together.
    Secondly, love is hard but it's also awesomely rewarding. Time heals all wounds and to use another cliche' the ball is in your court. You have a choice to either not trust anyone ever again or leave your scars behind you and risk falling in love again.

  14. "One day someone will walk into your life and make you see why it never worked out with someone else"

    The wound will always be there but it will be healed, "Time heals" The biggest mistake you can make, is to let that scar prevent you from meeting true love! Let it take time and let it be okay to think about what happened once in a while. You will be okay! I promise!
    You are a great person and would never hurt someone the way he hurt you! Not even him!
    Take the risk, FALL IN LOVE AGAIN!

  15. Must be very hard to be you.

    ''now every man i have a relationship with for the rest of my life will have to deal with what he did.''

    Honey, let it go already! You're only doing damage to yourself. I know it's hard, I've been there too. My last boyfriend also cheated on me, we were together for 3 years and we broke up 7 months ago.
    It's hard but it's such a waste of time to let some bloke effect your life like that. Try to find happiness and strenght in yourself. You'll get there as long as you have faith in yourself and I fully believe: time heals all wounds.

    All the best! :)

  16. People hurt you. Take it, be sad, work on it and get over it. Ok?

  17. i know you think that because it's been seven long months, you'll never get over it. but pain fades. you'll be able to love again when you're ready. trust me.


  18. Hope for the best but prepare for the worst...Just ask him. You can't put your life on hold waiting for something that may or may not happen.

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