Saturday, October 20, 2012

I don’t know who to love

ph: Marija Kovac

1 year, 1 month, and 10 days ago me and my current boyfriend started dating. It’s a long distance relationship, though, the best relationship I’ve had in my short life. He’s been a dream to me, and I have never met anybody willing to risk everything for someone else. He’s head over heels madly in love with me. I love him back, so much. We have planned our lives together. We have planned to move in together, when I start university, and when he graduates from university. Everything is perfect. Though, lately I have been feeling more of an obligation to be with him. I have been feeling like he depends on me too much, and I depend on him, and I’m just used to having him in my life. I feel like I can’t break up with him, because I would be letting my parents down, my sister down, my friends down, and everyone else who are so convinced that one day, him and I will get married and live happily ever after...

A few days an old girl friend of mine broke her boyfriends heart, after being together for one year and six months, she broke up with him and a day later, starting dating a new boy. They live in Spain, I live in Sweden. For some reason, I felt the need to contact the boy she broke up with (though I had never met him before, or even talked to him), and tell him I’m sorry for what happened and that he deserves better. Although I had never talked to him in my entire life before, he sent me a message back pouring his heart out to me and telling him how hurt he was and telling me everything he should have been saying to his best friend. But he didn’t say it to his best friend, he said it to me.

We started talking more and more. Not actually talking, but messaging each other. I started to notice myself getting a clump in my stomach every time I saw he was online. I found myself checking facebook every 30 seconds, hoping he had written me back. I found myself falling for a stranger.

Last night I told him how I felt and that I was afraid I was going to fall for him if I were to meet him. So we decided that this summer when I got to Spain, we will meet. He’s the guy I have dreamt about since I was a little girl. He’s the perfect guy, my perfect someone. Like he wrote to me last night, ”you might be my pot, and I may be your lid”. He feels the same way about me, he thinks I am an absolutely amazing girl, and he feels like he has finally found someone who will treat him right.

So now I find myself at crossroads. Do I break up with the boy I have been with for over a year, and risk everything, to be with a stranger? Could my current boyfriend be my soulmate, or could this stranger be the one I’m supposed to spend the rest of my life with? I find myself confused, and frustrated.

I don’t know who to love.


  1. I know exactly how you feel. I had someone really close to me that was with doubts about the love that she had for her boyfriend, but it was really afraid of breaking up because there were almost two years and both families thought they were going to marry each other... It's bad disapointing the people you love, your parents, your sister, etc, but it's even worse if you're with someone because you feel the obligation to be. It will only hurt you and him, because he'll start to notice that things are not the same anymore, and there's no need to. Your family and your friends love you, and I believe that no matter what they will support you, even if at first place they feel disapointed.
    My advice is: follow your heart. We have to be willing to take risks in life, otherwise we never know what could've been, and we will always live in the expectation of what could've been.

    My friend's story ended up right, her parents accepted everything, and now she's friends with her ex and after some months she got a new boyfriend (: Maybe yours end up too.

    I hope this helps (:

    1. Agreed! Your family ultimately wants you to be happy so they will support you.

      Maybe you already know who to love. It may be the fear of hurting others. The fear of letting go and breaking up. But this confusion and frustration all means you are human with heart :)

  2. "If you love two people at the same time, choose the second. Because if you really loved the first one, you wouldn't fall for the second." - Johnny Depp

    I was in a very similar situation. I left my high school sweetheart of 6 years for someone new. I remember it was a very difficult decision since our families got along so well and I too, thought we would be together forever. He was wonderful yet I was curious.

    The quote above helped me a bit on what I decided to do. I reasoned that I could not stay with him while thinking and wondering of another, it was not fair to him. He did not deserve that.

    Maybe get some perspective from your old girl friend since your footsteps align with hers.. if that is not too awkward.

    I feel that you will know if someone is your soulmate and that you wouldn't have to ponder it.

    I hope that you find the courage and strength to do what you feel is right for you, xo.

    1. Yeah well I'm pretty sure Johnny Depp didn't mean by that quote to choose the person who lives in another country, whom you've never seen before and you've only known for a few days. That's not love.

    2. I guess you both didn't get the Johnny Depp quote, what he was trying to say by that is leave the first one because you clearly don't love them

  3. What your parents, friends and relatives might think or feel really doesn't matter, you are not in this world to fulfill their expectations, as they are not here to fulfill yours. It's your life and you are the one who decides what you do with it.
    you already have the answer to your last question. You fell in love with that boy and it could have been someone else, what I think is the important here is that you no longer want to be with your boyfriend, so don't be. If you are with someone because you feel is your obligation, believe me, nothing good will come out of that.
    So, you will probably break his heart, but you know is the best thing to do. Of course is not easy to end a relationship, but the more time you take to end with it, the harder will be. And maybe in the future you will be able to be friends again.
    and about the other boy, I hope everything will be fine with him.
    What is meant to be, will happen no matter what, so don't worry that much, you will be just fine.

  4. You're considering ending a relationship over a person you've have never met? Maybe meet him first?

  5. I feel sorry for your current boyfriend, what your doing to him is horrible. Gosh, how do you even have a boyfriend?! Your sneaky behaviour is just horrible.
    You haven't even met that guy in Spain and yet your already convinced he's your dream guy! You and your stupid little -love-is-so-hard-story annoy the crap out of me. Grow up! Stop being such a sneaky asshole.

    1. I agree. What if you found out that your boyfriend had been talking to some girl and planned to meet her and told her that he was in love with her? How hurt wouldn't you be? (If you wouldn't then end it NOW since you no longer care for him at all.)

  6. Real love is about taking risks. If your current boyfriend was your soul mate then you wouldn't have these feelings about someone else. In love we make mistakes, don't worry about whether it will work out, worry about what will make you the happiest. We can't choose who we love, only what we do about it.

  7. I only have one advise for you: END THE FIRST RELATIONSHIP BEFORE STARTING ANOTHER. At this moment you want it all, your loving safe relationship but also the new exiting one. You simply can't have both. Make a decision and then stick to it. I think you're being incredibly selfish by playing with hearts like that.

    When will people learn that they can't have it all?

    1. Agreed.

      You can't be in love with two people at once. Love isn't choosing between two men. Love is falling head over heels for that ONE person you think is your soulmate.

      In my opinion, you only think you love this Spain dude because you SYMPATHISE him. Your boyfriend deserves so much better.

  8. Karma is gonna be such a bitch to you. Don't understand how you got the nerve to go behind hour boyfriend's back.
    You are extremely selfish, you make me sick.

  9. " he feels like he has finally found someone who will treat him right. " .. seriously ? Is he aware that you're actually treating your current boyfriend exactly the same way as his ex-girlfriend treated him.. if he only knew !

  10. "I don't know who to love." Come on! You don't even know that dude from Spain! You've never even met the guy.

  11. You're not a bad person, you're just confused and you are a human!

    If you don't feel like being anymore with your current boyfriend, and you are just with him because of what people may say, that's not a valid reason to be with someone... your love ones, friends and family, will understand you, even if he is the "most" kind man in this world, you have your reasons, maybe you're just not meant to be, and nobody should judge you for that, it's your feelings and not their's... If you are with someone just because of what people may say o think it is not fair to you and it is not fair to him, if you don't love him and you don't want to hurt him, don't make him waste his time any longer and don't waste yours either, It may be difficult for bouth at the beginning, but he will eventualy realize it was the best thing and you will too. IF HE WAS YOUR SOULMATE YOU WOULDN'T BE FEELING LIKE THAT...

    About that "stranger" in Spain, dont worry if he is the one you're supposed to spend the rest of your life with, maybe you will or maybe you won't. I believe that sometimes, people cross into our lives because they should teach us something, or we should teach'em something, and after that they just go on with their lives and so do we. Maybe he's in your life right now just for you can realize you are not with the person you are supossed to be with, (not that he knows about it, but through him you realized that) or maybe you're in his life just to make him feel worth it again.

    My advice to you: Don't force things to happen, if it is supposed to be it would be, if not, learn and move on. Listen to your heart, even is that means that you'll be single for a while, it is not the worst thing, maybe is something you need, and in time, you will meet "Mr. Right". Don't lie to yourself any longer, be fair to you and to your boyfriend, don't play with others feelings, it just isn't right, and I understand you're not doing it on purpose, but you know it's wrong.

    Have a nice day! :)

  12. Sometimes it happen when we were trap into a distraction. I have a 9 years relationship and in between the years new people come and go as we wish. New people we think they will be our future because we think they understand, they are our new soul mate, they are the best. Then I realized why we like meeting new people or fall for new people because we like that little spark at the beginning of a relationship, that little spark that make every words or every actions from that people sweet. That distraction may last short or long depend on us. You are not yet married so there's plenty of time to know a lot of different man. You can fall in love as much as you can handle the heartbreak. But remember nobody's perfect. and love isn't something you can't care about. love need to be keep, take care and fostered as plants need sun, need air, need water, need fertilizer. Even for me, my-now husband I am not sure we were soul mate-I don't get the idea of it-but I definitely sure he's the one that understand me the best. He has my faith. Choose someone you have infinite faith in him and keep hold him in every storm that might come in your relationship.

    Just keep this in mind every time you two-timing "what goes around comes around"

    Good luck.

  13. Why would you write to your best friends ex if you've never even spoken to him before? Very odd. And also, treat others as you wanna be treated yourself. What would you do if your current boyfriend would be doing this to you, (AND you're behaving just like your best friend by going behind his and her back, so is she really that bad of a person?)

  14. I was in the exact same situation about a month ago. 13 months and out families were friends. This new guy in school took my breath away. I broke up with my bf and got together with this new guy a few weeks later. My mum and dad was devistated. And I felt like crap. Not because I left him, but because my family was crying. But after a while they came to realize that it was my decision and that I shouldn't be with someone I didn't have feelings for any longer. It was a tough decsion but I still believe it was the right one. Although I sometimes think about my ex and how simpler things would have been if I stayed with him, I can't look back. It's not fair to anyone. And with situation like these ones, you have to be selfish. But don't forget to treat people with respect.

    Hope you wont regret your decision!

    Love from Sweden :)

  15. "Do I break up with the boy I have been with for over a year, and risk everything, to be with a stranger? Could my current boyfriend be my soulmate, or could this stranger be the one I’m supposed to spend the rest of my life with?"

    You clearly are too young or have never been in love or both, if you can't answer those questions. First off, you only been with your current BF a yr, that's hardly a "risk everything". Secondly, if after a whole year you still wondering if he could be your soulmate, then not to worry, he is not. Not a lot of people in this world get to experiance finding their soul mates to begin with and when one does, when you do, you will know right away! (I been there, I know). So could this stranger you mention be the one, who knows. Could he be your soul mate? If when you met him, you did not get a strong feeling pulling you closer towards him ( emotionally) than he might not be. Having said that, since you still are attracted to other guys,and you are not sure if your curent BF is the one, than I would go to the stranger and leave behind the relatonship you were holding on to for a year. I think it is worth finding out if the stranger is the guy for you, if not, you move on to the ext, until you find the one. Life is too short to settle for medicore kind of love. Hope I helped. When al else fails, close your eyes and listen to your inner voice, gut feeling.

    BTW I agree with one of the replies above, you cannot be IN love with two people at the same time. You can love two peole at the same time but no be IN love.

  16. I think some people up there were just being unfair and clearly judgmental, they don't have to judge because some day they might do even worst.
    So, with that said, what i want to tell you is that you still have a long life ahead of you and are able to experience a lot, do things that your heart feels right and not what other people think, but most of all do it wit respect, and do it the way you wished someone else did to you! <3 and most of All BE HAPPY, with your life, only that way you will be able to fulfill yourself <3

  17. i suggest you sleep with either of them and see which treats you the best, before, during and after sex

  18. Your heart will know what to do soon.Just give it time.But a piece of advice, you have to think about others.Your only problem is choosing between 2 wonderful people when theirs is possibly losing you. Do the right thing and try not to intentionally be the reason for someones sadness.

  19. love whom you choose, and choose whom you love.

  20. Love is commitment. You are not committed to your current boyfriend, therefore you don't love him; he's not your soul-mate. so, What makes you think that you will be committed to this new guy?

    Love is an everyday commitment to an imperfect person. When you are ready to make that commitment then you can call it love, in the meantime don't confuse love with other pleasant feeling emotions.

  21. Hope for the best but prepare for the worst...Just ask him. You can't put your life on hold waiting for something that may or may not happen.

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