Sunday, October 28, 2012

get over the thought of loving you

ph: leilaleilaleila

It’s like a door that’s too old, that never quite shuts right. And using that little bit of leeway, you somehow always manage to weasel your way back in into my life, into my heart… Only to leave me time and again, always in pieces.

Everybody else perceived me as aloof and strong, but they never knew how you were my one weakness, the love I could never seem to get over.

The first time you left back in high school, I was broken. I gave everything I had to you, and even then it wasn’t enough. You shattered my dreams of a fairy tale romance, and with it, my very soul. A glass shard seemed permanently etched in my heart and everyday was an agony. Even breathing hurt so bad. When we passed each other in the hallway, you never once looked my way. It was as if I’d suddenly dropped out of existence from your world. You needn’t had to bother with avoiding me, because I did enough for both of us. Seeing you simply hurt too much. Nobody saw the tears I shed for you; nobody knew that I feel asleep to a damp pillow every night. I never let them.

Then we went off to different colleges, and I moved out of state. There were just too many memories of you around and I knew I had to get away in order to rebuild my life. I cut off all contact with my friends and people who knew you and erased everything in existence that reminded me of you. I slowly picked up the pieces of my strewn heart and carefully glued them back together. I had barely learnt to get used to the constant aching in my heart before you slipped back into my life.

You showed up at my doorstep, out of the blue. When I arrived back home one day to find you sitting there on the steps to my apartment, conflicting emotions ran through me. I wasn’t ready. For this, for you, nor to face the pain once more. I was about to turn and walk off, feigning ignorance, hoping that you’d be gone by the time I got back from a sudden urgent need for a dose of caffeine, but you looked up at that moment and met my eyes. Those clear, blue eyes of yours. Filled with apprehension, I forced myself to walk forward and acknowledged your presence with a slight nod. We stood there in awkward silence before you finally spoke, spilling apologies and confessions of love and how you did me wrong. Words that I’d longed to hear before, but only served to bring the pain afresh now.

Somehow we started talking again, and not long after got back together. I hesitated for a while, but still caved in to you in the end. Maybe things would be different this time round? We’ve both grown since then, surely things would be different. At least, that’s what I kept telling myself.

The second time you left me, I had just started my second year in college. My carefully restored life fell apart around me once more. I couldn’t think straight. I didn’t get why history was repeating. Weren’t we over all that? Where did my happily ever after go to? I started to lose hope.

You stayed away. I locked away my memories of you for a second time. Tight.

Into my third year in college, I got to know a really sweet guy. He was good to me, and I was comfortable with him. It was the closest thing to normal that I’ve felt since you left.
And then you came back.

I wavered. I shouldn’t have, I know. And I lost a great guy and friend. And so it continued… Every single time that my life was starting to have some semblance of normalcy, you would show up and smash everything to smithereens. You were like a windstorm leaving destruction in your wake everywhere you went, especially me. It took a few more times before I finally decided that I was too tired to care or love anymore, that maybe love was never for me. I can’t go on like this forever, throwing down my life for you and having to pick up the pieces each time you walk away. So I let you go. And placed a door wedge AND a chair against the damn door. My life will not be yours; You will not be allowed to wreck my life anymore.

Right now, I’m not happy, and I’m starting to think that maybe I never will be happy again. But at least I’m not sad all the time anymore. That counts for something, right? And maybe, just maybe, someday I’ll get over you. Or maybe I’ll never ever get over you, and that’s okay too. I’m learning to get over the thought of loving you.



  1. I feel like you have just written about the last couple of months in my life. Somehow I think this whole heartbreak thing should be normal to all of us because it happens to all of us, but the pain is simply unique.

  2. I absolutely understand this. I went through the same and my ex-boyfriend always found a way to weasel into my life and heart, and I let him trample on my heart, over and over again...until a day I just couldn't put myself through the ordeal anymore. I closed off from love, and cut him from my life entirely. I know I'll never find the happiness I had with him, but I will find happiness again - a different kind, but doesn't mean it's not a good happy. And I sincerely believe you would too. Hang tight. :)

    1. K, some of us may not come to even understand even half of the magnitude of your pain. But from the way you write, we could at least feel the raw emotions coming from your words. Just remember that you deserve to be happy. Don't let your happiness depend on another person. You will find it on your own. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow. But some day. Stay strong darling :)

  3. Loving is for everyone, never lose hope. Don't let him ruin your life, stay strong and find other people you can love, because you know you are capable of loving others. Slowly build yourself back up again, but this time don't let him tear it down.

    Good luck, great writing!

  4. You will be happy again, you just need to figure out how to get there on your own terms...

  5. yeah, you will be happy again and you'll probably find yourself happier that you have been because all of that turmoil is over. you're finally free and no one can take that from you; he wasn't your true love because he kept on leaving you, but everyone has that person out there who would never dream of leaving.

    be free

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  7. Hi,.. thanks for sharing this lovely post,..

    wanna link exchange with mine

  8. one day you will meet that person that will love you more than you, that will do anything for you, that will never bring you down! and only surprise you more each day, ive been there...i met an incredible guy...and recently the old ex just apologize and misses me (bla bla), but he's just a little too late, when a guy cares about you he will want to make you feel 10 times beautiful and take away your insecurities, don't let this guy end your happiness, because you are worth it, and he's just blind

  9. one day you will meet that person that will love you more than you, that will do anything for you, that will never bring you down! and only surprise you more each day, ive been there...i met an incredible guy...and recently the old ex just apologize and misses me (bla bla), but he's just a little too late, when a guy cares about you he will want to make you feel 10 times beautiful and take away your insecurities, don't let this guy end your happiness, because you are worth it, and he's just blind

  10. This is the first time I decided to look at someone else blog other than my own. I am really happy I did, because I know that I am not the only one going through pain, and I am not the only one writing what I'm feeling down. I thank you for sharing this. It made me feel hurt again, but just know that one day WE will get over them. They weren't good for us, but this is a life lesson that we will remember and will use in the next chapter in our lives. Stay strong!

    Lily Paige

  11. You will be happy again someday

  12. every people have ever experienced what you are facing right now. just believe that you will another guy who will love you much better.

  13. I love how you have written it. It seems like a narrative-poetry(if ever that word exists). And you go girl! I believe you'll be able to find the perfect guy for you. The one who will care and love you :) Stay strong :)

  14. unbelievable...this is the story of my life. it lasts for more than 10 years. i gave up any possibility of having a family or kids, as it's not with him...i fought it and fought it and tried to be with other, good guys, but the same story as yours...i just never got over it. people used to tell me i will be happy with someone else, and i was, but to some degree. and i always longed for him i accepted it somehow, but it's still would be easier if i could hate him, but i cannot, he is a good guy, pure soul...he just cannot commit fully, and in his twisted way he does love me...but that's so not enough...i always thought love is enough to make people happy. thanks for this. you will be happy.

  15. This really freaked me out. I have gone through exactly the same things. And i mean it, Exactly the same things. I don't even know how is that possible. FREAKED OUT! I am right now at exactly the same phase. Not happy but not sad anymore. Trying to get over it. Hopefully I will.

  16. Hope for the best but prepare for the worst...Just ask him. You can't put your life on hold waiting for something that may or may not happen.

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