Tuesday, September 25, 2012

something is better than nothing

June 14, 2010 - Day One Hundred Forty Two.
ph: ineedabettername

I need to stop loving you.

Because you are a gay man. Completely, utterly, flamboyantly, raging, out-of-the-closet gay. And I am a woman. And you will never love me the way I love you.

From the first moment I met you I knew you was gay. Our first conversation was about the guy you had brought home the night before. Not that I would have needed to hear that to guess. It’s obvious. You’ve known you were gay since you were 12, every one else has known since you were 13. You’ve never been with a girl because you were never interested in them.

I knew all this from the first week I met you.

We’ve talked a million times about you being gay. We’ve talked about how your parents don’t accept you, how much trouble you had at school, your first time and everything in between. You are just so comfortable with yourself. With everything. You have completely accepted everything about yourself.

We started off being best friends. I would come over and you would dye my hair and we would perv on the guy from Moulin Rouge. We would go shopping and you would pick out clothes for me to wear and we would hit on the shop assistants if they were cute. We would shotgun boys and pretend to be dating if someone creepy was hitting on us. We would cook each other dinner, wake each other up in the morning for class and walk each other home. We would stay over at each others places and wear just our underwear to bed in the summer and get changed in front of each other.

Things were just easy. Comfortable. Simple. I had someone I could talk to when I had a bad day, someone to have fun with, someone to be crazy with and someone to motivate me in class. And I was the same for you.

In class we acted together, playing lovers, because we were so comfortable together already it made sense.

That’s when it started. I already knew you were an attractive guy. A really attractive guy. But I just had never thought about you like that. You were you, my gay best friend. When I had to look at you through the eyes of a lover…well I guess that was the first time I really saw you. You were more than attractive. You were hot. You were gorgeous. You were handsome.

Our sex scene. Wow. Just wow. I’m still not sure if you realised I was blushing, or if you thought I was just flushed. Your hands running all over my body, your lips on my lips, your hot breath on my neck. And you being gay meant you weren’t afraid to go the distance, to make it believable, because it was make-believe. Isn’t that strange? It’s easier to fake it if you know its fake. Anyway, because we were so comfortable, because you were gay, because we were actors, whatever the reason our sex scene was… intense to say the least. Believable would be an understatement.

On opening night you invited your boyfriend to see the show. We did amazingly, two curtain calls and all. It was the best feeling. Then I watched you run out of the green room and into his arms. Running your hands over his body. Putting your lips on his lips. Your breath on his neck. And then it hit me. I was jealous. I was totally, soul-consumingly, heart-breakingly jealous. Over you and him. My gay best friend and his boyfriend.

I realised I liked you. I really liked you.

I thought it would go away. I was probably just feeling this way because of the show, all the extra practice time we had been putting in. I mean, I was pretending to love you for hours a day for weeks, it was bound to get caught up with my normal feelings eventually, right? Which meant that, after a couple of weeks, it would fade and things would be normal right? Right.

So I acted as if nothing was different, went on with the show then gave myself some space for a couple of weeks, just to be safe. Once I was sure I couldn’t have feelings for you anymore I sent you a text, asked you if you wanted to hang out. You said yes! You had missed me! That almost stopped me because I was so happy that you had missed me… but no, they were just friendship feelings, you’re my best friend of course I would be happy that you missed me. You were at home right this moment with your boyfriend would I like to come over? Yes of course I would. So I went. And there you were, smiling at me like, giving me the tightest hug, kissing me on the cheek. And there was your boyfriend, sitting on the couch. And then you went back to him, held his hand and patted the couch next to you, indicating I should sit.

I couldn’t breathe. I had to get out of there. I made up some excuse, I don’t even know what it was, it can’t have been very good. But I couldn’t stay in there. Not with you holding his hand, not with you looking at him the way you do, not with you kissing him. I couldn’t do it.

I ran. I ran and I ran until I couldn’t run anymore. Then I sat. And I cried and cried and cried. I got home, I’m not sure how. I didn’t care. I didn’t care about anything.

I was in love with someone who I have less than 0% of a chance with.

I was in love with my gay best friend.

Not just a crush, not just a physical attraction, but love. Love.

With you.

It’s been three months since then. Nothings changed. He told me last night that he thinks he is in love with his boyfriend. And I smiled and gushed over their last romantic date and told him how happy I was for him.

I’ve decided that I just have to accept that I am in love with someone that I will never have.

I’ve gotten pretty good at faking it, at making up fake guys so that he doesn’t notice that I haven’t given a guy a second look since our performance, helping him plan dates for him and his boyfriend, perving on guys that I guess are cute.

I still can’t see him with his boyfriend. That’s too hard. But I don’t think he’s noticed that whenever his boyfriend appears I disappear. He doesn’t notice a whole lot of anything else when his boyfriend is around.

He tells me about all the romantic things they do together, plays me “their song”, tells me their intimate details, asks for my opinion on what he should wear to their next date and every thing else in between.

I’m his best friend. In love with him or not. And that means I have a role to play. I have to be there for him. Whether it’s killing me or not. Because I am his best friend and I would do anything for him. Just like he would do anything for me.

I’m under no delusion that I could “turn him” or anything silly like that. I don’t want to break up his relationship, it makes him so happy. I don’t expect anything to ever happen.

But that doesn’t stop me from wishing it would. That doesn’t stop me from holding onto our hugs for a little longer, touching the spot where he kissed my cheek, reading over his texts.

Because even if I am his best friend and certain things are expected of me I still love him.

So this is my compromise. Pretending when I’m feeling low, accepting it when I’m not.

This way I can be in love with him and be his best friend.

It’s not ideal but it’s the best I can think of.

He is happy, ignorant, but happy. And that makes me happy.

He’s my best friend. I love him and he loves me. It might not be in the same way but he loves me with everything he’s got which is something. And something is better than nothing.

And at least when I’m upset I can call him and he will tell me I am amazing and beautiful and he loves me and would I like him to come over to keep me company and cuddle me all night?

…Yes I would.

18 comments:

  1. A very touching story. I think it's great that you're being realistic and making yourself behave as his best friend just because that's what friends do. No matter how hard it is. I think you guys should be happy you found eachother. This kind of friendship should be cherished.

    And don't worry, you'll be fine. It's not weird that you can't stand seeing them together, that's alright.

    I'm so happy that you're happy for him.
    Best of luck! You'll find your guy soon enough. And he'll be all yours.

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  2. oh, world's biggest hug! i know you will find another guy, just as amazing as ypur best friend - only in a different way, someday. and then he will go back to "just" being your best friend again. i know it maybe don't seem like it now, but please trust me!

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  3. Wow, so in depth and heartfelt. I feel like homosexuality is such a hard thing for us to wrap our heads around. This kind of reminds me of role-playing phenomenon we learned in Psychology. Basically, what you act you become. Like a newly married couple--at first they're almost acting, but then they become actually married.

    Your situation was a lot more literal, but definitely still applied. Imagine if you had a best friend that was a girl. Imagine if your best friend, this guy, was a girl. Would your feelings be different? Would you still love her like you love him? Or would you love her like he loves you? Complete curiosity for me.

    I wish you the best.

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  4. You should open your eyes and see that this "friendship" makes you a faker and a liar and not happy. It is not good for you and not for him, because you pretend something that is not true: to be his best friend. in fact you are more and so you can never act just as his best friend.
    I don't think he would be happy with all this, realizing, that he hurts you with so much things he said about his love for his boyfriend. that he is gay makes no difference, even if he was not, he could see you just as a good friend and fell in love with another girl. maybe his boyfriend can see things more clear and knows that you are not his best friend but a person who wishes to be at his place.
    don't play a role, live your live and find a relationship that makes you happy. as long as you hold on this fake-friendship you are not open for a guy that loves you in the same way and you could be really happy with.

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  5. There will be a guy for you. Like there is one for all of us.
    I'm sure you'll find him and you'll love him and he'll notice what your friend is for you and then he will make you fall in love with him.
    So it won't stop. Just so that you know that.
    And this one special guy will give you sooo much love that you will be able to give it eeeeeeveryone on this planet.
    So all I wanna tell you is; Love with all you got !

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  6. not everything is impossible. here's a story of a gay man happily married to a wonderful woman.... http://www.joshweed.com/

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  7. You should really let him know honey... It's not fair to them and it's not fair to you either... As someone said above i highly doubt your friend would be okay if he knew he's hurting you without knowing he does so. He'd feel awful and i'm 100% sure he would want to know, as I'm guessing if things were the other way round you would have wanted to know too. Imagine this, imagine if you were the one with a boyfriend and he was the one in love; wouldn't you want to know? He is your best friend as you say, he will want to help. You two'll find a way to work things out but you have to be honest, he has to know in order for you to be okay again... Keeping him in the dark will only make things worse; you won't be able to get over him! You will keep living with it, torturing yourself and you won't be able to notice other men around you too; you won't be able to notice when a man -perhaps your soulmate!- comes along! You oughtn't το do that now, ought you? And if the two of you are ment to be together indeed, you will, so don't worry about it... You know, he might feel the same way but not have realised it; it's possible. This best-friend-in-love thing happens with straight people too darling... Stop torturing yourself...

    Hope all goes well...
    xo

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  8. I love the picture!!!!!!!!!!! and I love your words

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  9. something is better than nothing, huh..
    Nevertheless, amazing writing!

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  10. This is so touching! Love is so powerful, it goes beyond social bounderies. Having him in your life is so very much better than nothing

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  11. i experienced the same issue as you couple of years back. though my best friend wasnt gay, he was just attracted to another girl.

    i didn't want to tell my best friend my feelings for him because i pretty much know it'll destroy our beautiful friendship that we've been having for a few years. i held on to that belief and kept it in in even when we switched schools.

    now that years have passed, we've drifted slightly away. and my feelings for him are barely there anymore. though he'll still stay as someone special from the past.

    i understand how you feel. but if you were to let me choose again years ago, i'd still choose to keep it with myself.

    time will tell & time will heal.
    my suggestion is for you to get away from him for a while.
    have some time alone to breathe & not be so agonized.

    chin up! :)

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  12. Honey, i get your feeling. I mean, sort of. I'm in love with a guy who was my boyfriend for 2 years. He broke up with me and i never understood why. We spent 1 year apart and came back to be friends. We were getting really close again, i could see he felt attracted for me, and it was mutual. Then when it was finally looking like we were going to get back together, he asks me to talk, and tell me he's gay. Yes, gay. He had always been, and he knows it since he was a kid. But he also told me everything between us was true and that i'm the only PERSON he had love in his entire life. But he also told me he always felt attracted for guys, and i'm the only girl he ever felt HOT for. So, then? Then now he's finally accepting himself, and we could not be together again. I'm crushed. I love him just as much as before, maybe even more, now that i understand him. I can see he has feeling for me, but he's so decided of what he want... I don't know what to do, i don't want go away of him and stop being his friend, but whenever i'm around him, he always is looking me so intensily, and touching me, he can't help himself and it hurts me. I'm so stuck, i don't know how to procced. He was my first love, my first real boyfriend, my first sex. He was and is everything to me and i am positive i'll never love again.

    Good luck to us, sister.

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  13. Hope for the best but prepare for the worst...Just ask him. You can't put your life on hold waiting for something that may or may not happen.

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  14. This was utterly fascinating to read. Thanks for sharing and I wish you all the best in finding that other person who you will grow to love just as much as you love him

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  16. I applaud you for being mature and realistic. Allowing him happiness even when it pains you shows that you truly do love him. Maybe in a another life you two were soul mates... but in this one it is best to continue what you are doing, your shot a love will come one day soon.

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  17. It's seems like a crazy love with me. I also believe that you will always crazy while you are in love. But this is like dead-end (like you said an 0% chance). Anyway, being crazy love is a beautiful thing. And it's true that something is better than nothing.

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  18. I really love this post. Thanks for your sharing. Hope that I could read more and more useful article like this. Keeping moving forward

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