Sunday, September 16, 2012
never risk losing his friendship
Longing for a hug has never made me feel like this before. It just seems to me incredibly pathetic to put a smile upon my face just by remembering his full name. To see those letters standing one behind another composing the word I love to see the most seems to give my heart a new rhythm, a new beating compass, something faster than anything I’ve ever seen. And I couldn’t feel any sillier than I already do, especially because all of these emotions are just so not meant to be felt.
Waking up to a bright new day has another meaning. It means I’m six hours behind on his schedule, it means I’m six hours late; It’s almost as if I’d been wasting time while I was asleep. Going to bed at 10pm doesn’t mean I’m going to bed early, means that I made him stay up till 4am, that I got him tired and if he doesn’t get a proper night of sleep, it’s gonna be my fault, without a doubt. Still, it feels so right trading days over nights just so I can see him typing silly things and wishing me better days when I say I’m going through bad times.
Such a friendship. Something that I’ve never had with anyone near me I now have with someone who lies thousands of miles away. It’s so weird to feel my cheeks automatically compressed in a corky smile whenever I see the little window show up warning me he’s online. How bad is that? I mean, how the hell did I ever become this dependent of someone who’s not even here? How could I ever let myself nourish a feeling for a being who’s most likely to never feel my touch and give me his touch in return? I just feel like the clock’s ticking, I’m frozen in time and I can’t do anything to make this ever work. My hands are tied, and it’s not like we can risk it all over a feeling which may go away somewhere between ‘Hello’ and ‘Goodbye’. Though I'm sure this feeling's not going anywhere.
The worst is not being able to say that. I gotta keep it to myself, all these crazy emotions that keep driving me insane at night. I’d never risk losing his friendship over a stupid misplaced ‘I like you and I want to know if you like me too’. Sometimes it hurts me knowing that if I keep talking to him I’ll never be free of this desire of being with him, being by his side.
And I really wouldn’t be surprised to find out I love him.
As a matter of fact, I already do.