Thursday, September 6, 2012

i still remember

Untitled
ph: mariahschwartz

I still remember getting off that plane; you were the first face I saw. I remember when you carried my bags and spoke to me though I didn’t understand. I remember you inviting me to your house for ice cream. I remember when you became my best friend. I remember how the three of us used to drive down those city streets. Down winding, pot-holed roads in this foreign place. This place I loved so much I called it home. I remember the night before I went back for break you brushed your foot up against mine. And I remember wanting it to be intentional. I remember wanting you.

And then when I came back again it was all so different. No longer were you this older man, removed from my life by the impossible tie-downs of age. There was something different about me. There was something different about you.

I remember the first time we went out, just the two of us. And I remember the first time you held my hand. Oh gosh, I remember it like it was yesterday. The way you caressed you long, dark hands over mine. I trembled at your touch. It felt so mature, so gentle, so real. And I remember the first time we kissed. How you babbled on and on about responsibility and patience, about how you had to take care of me, how you had to keep me safe. And out of nowhere, you lean over and you kiss me before I can even grasp the situation. You kissed me like I’d never been kissed in all my 20 years. You kissed me like a man. And for the first time I felt like a woman, and not a little girl. You kissed me, and I wanted to tell you no, to slow down, not to kiss me like this. I didn’t know how to react to so many feelings. But before my brain could process it, before I could begin to think, you had enveloped me in the most beautiful kiss I’d ever had. You opened your mouth, and I could feel your breath, and in that moment you breathed into my soul.

I remember the fear of our relationship. I remember worrying what people would think. The sixteen year age gap meant nothing to me, except the stern eyes of judging onlookers. People who wouldn’t try to understand. But I remember how you faced it all, with such strength, how you took me into your arms, and into your life, and how you made me yours. I remember how we made it work.

I remember how you sacrificed, and how you worked so we could work. I remember late night calls and phone bills stretched a mile long. I remember never wanting to let go, but so unable to hold on. I remember telling you I couldn’t make a decision, and I remember watching you wait.

And then the part I don’t want to remember, but remember all too well. The part where we decided that going on wasn’t fair. The part where I roads couldn’t cross any longer. The part where my heart broke. I remember the last time I kissed you, and I remember all the tears. I remember us both fighting it, wondering how to leave a person you love, who still loves you, as well. I remember how I actually felt my heart break into a thousand little pieces. I remember saying goodbye to my very best friend. I remember wishing life wasn’t so cruel, and that fairy tales could end happily.

I remember it all.

I remember you.

No basta mi amor.

8 comments:

  1. Well, that is intense. I just wanted to say that even though maybe right now it's not working if you are both willing to sacrifice, and have already sacrificed, so much then maybe in the future you will be able to be together. I really don't want to believe that true love gets left behind. It shouldn't. It's special. I personally know of three couples who are far apart in age. My grandparents are one of them and they had 10 children together. :) And right now a couple who is related to me by marriage is 16 years apart in age. They have been married for years. This year she gave birth to their second child. A little boy named after his father. :) All this means to me is don't give up because of other peoples ideals that are not your own. If it's meant to be - it can be. <3

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  2. I can relate. I wish I could believe that true love is never wasted, but I'm always afraid that is just one more of those beliefs we hold on to so we can feel better. I am scared that the truth is that amar no basta. <3

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  3. that was pretty amazing for me to read this. my situation is exact the same ;) i'm 20 , my boyfriend is 36 so age disparity between us is also 16years. it's been a year since i've met him,and despites of whole this 'age gap' no one ever made me happier, and so fulfilled . Even if it's been tough sometimes when people were staring at us or critisin. but i think that when the time goes by such a things become unimportant. anyway good luck and thanks for the story. x ;)

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  4. Same to us! But our gap was 28 years! And it worked out perfectly! We have been together for 43 years and we have a wonderful daughter and two lovely grandchildren now. Unfortunetly the love of my life passed away 4 months ago and l will be sad the rest of my life. But remembering him every minute of the day gives me the strength to go on.
    Give it a try and enjoy!

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  6. beautiful. remember: age is just a number. xo

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  7. True love NeveR Ends its lasts forever.

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