Tuesday, September 4, 2012
i hope i can trust you
Am I a horrible person?
I was happy with our relationship before because I knew you liked me more than I liked you. I had the power. I was grateful for the fact that if you changed your mind and wanted to back out, I would not be crushed like I have been in the past. I knew that I could be adored by you without even having to try. I liked you because of the attention you gave me, and the lack of effort I had to make. It was so easy.
But petty weeks turned into great months and I found that I have fallen for you. I love your crazy hair. I love your effortless optimism. I love how you are so self-assured, but also the least cocky person I know. I love that you trust me with your heart, even though it has been tossed aside in the past. I wish it was still so easy.
I pray to god that you are a better person than I am. I hope that you don't realize that I relinquished all my power to you. You now have that sovereignty that I was so fond of. You have the potential to break me, and I have never been so fucking terrified. I have been broken before so please please please be more responsible and kind with my heart than I was with yours.
It doesn't have to be this power struggle. It's like that one trust game at camp where everyone would stand in a circle. Then, slowly, we would all sit on the person behind us so that the entire circle was supported by ourselves. Neither of us need the power. There is no supremacy when we both throw in our hearts and our trust.
I know you trusted me, even when you shouldn't have. I hope I can trust you, even though I know I already should.