Tuesday, September 18, 2012
delusional fairy tale
ph: Rogier Houwen
It was 9pm on a Saturday night when i received that text message.
And just like before, i thought nothing of it. I casually picked up the phone to see who it was, expecting it to be my mom or maybe a friend back at school, but it was you. My heart dropped down to my stomach and i felt that feeling you always gave me- you know that feeling when you aren't paying attention while driving and you almost hit the car in front of you or the feeling when you miss a step and think for a second you're going to fall forever? It's that kind of fear where for a moment you have no idea what is going to happen next and it's completely out of your hands.
Your contact wasn't even in my phone anymore, it had been a year and two months since I had forgotten your name, forgotten your face, and put behind the years of pain you caused. But i think i'll have those ten digits memorized until the day i die. It's strange how some things, little things, you'll never forget. At first it was an angry text. You cut me up and spit out words that were sharp as fangs- you were always good at that though. An okay lover, but an expert fighter. You knew how to make me feel worthless, hopeless, and flawed but mixed that with the perfect amount of love to keep me hanging on. You knew how to get to me and it was pathetic. I was pathetic. How many times had you done this before? Let's recap. We started out when we were young and we were wonderful for awhile, as most relationships are, but then it got to the point where i was stuck in a loveless relationship and you had me wrapped around your finger until you didn't want me anymore. You up and left and stepped all over my heart on the way out. I thought i was broken forever. A year passed and i finally picked up the pieces. I met new guys, i kissed new lips, i laughed at new jokes, and then out of nowhere- just like now- you came back to me. I wasn't as strong as i had pretended to be. I couldn't have been or else i wouldn't have given you another chance. Only fools do that.
It took two months for you to prove to me that you were no different as you had claimed to be. You were still manipulative, heartless, and the worst thing that could happen to me twice. Almost word for word you replayed our relationship and six months later you were out of my life again and I was hurt more than before. I hated myself for letting you back in, but i hated you even more. The hate sat in my heart for a long time and crippled me. I met an amazing guy and ruined him just because I was already broken, and you can't love a broken girl. Losing someone you love is the worst pain you can go through, i assure you that. I spent so many nights crying my eyes out in my bedroom, alone with nothing but the emptiness of the dark to hear. I spent so many mornings lifting a heavy heart out of bed and trying to start my day. I found flaws in perfect guys. I spent hours over analyzing everything until i became my own worst enemy - because after all you left me twice, it had to be me right? I wasn't perfect for you.
It took a long time but one day the unthinkable happened. I didn't wake up thinking of you. And with time i stopped crying, i looked forward to things, i stopped missing you, i appreciated sleeping alone, i had fun, i drank too much and made mistakes, i met new guys and got to know them instead of sleeping with them...I started to live for me. And then i met him. The most amazing thing to happen to me thus far. He was everything you weren't. He brought me flowers and gave me forehead kisses, he sent me text messages that reminded me how much he loved me, he went above and beyond for me and he made me feel beautiful. I couldn't have found a better boy to stitch my heart back together.
After that angry text that night followed the "i'm sorry text's", then the phone calls, then the drunk voicemails pouring your heart out. The one thing that stuck with me was this...you said..."I guess i thought no matter how many times i left, i'd always be able to come back." How in the world could you be that heartless? It's like you had a sense of when I was finally okay without you and that's when you'd come back, just for fun, to shake my world up. How could someone honestly just expect someone to wait around on someone? How could you believe that after hurting a heart so tragically, that it could possibly give you another chance? Did you think i'd feel bad for you?
And that's when it clicked. YOU are pathetic. I'm not. You're alone. You have no one to love and no one to love you in return. You search and search and admit every time you do, that you can't find someone like me. You settle for girls that you've known for years because they're the only ones that even want to be around you. And i hope it tears you apart. I hope karma give you what you deserve. I hope it kills you to see me with him. I hope it breaks your heart to know you lost me. I hope every drunk night you have to fight so hard to not text me or call me and beg. I hope suddenly your bed feels too big for one person. I hope you think of everything you did and realize what you threw away. I hope your one regret in life so far is not being a better man. I hope it eats you alive.
But you know what, i have to admit, in the back of my mind it's there.
In the back of my mind, i still wonder if this time around, we could have had our own delusional fairy tale.