Friday, July 20, 2012
until she came along
Finally my heart has found what it had been looking for in all those crushes on all those boys.
I am in love. and SHE is in love with me- even with what happened,certain events which i would have thought would have caused her to leave me- she has stayed by my side. holding me up when i break down, telling me i'm beautiful when I feel like a monster. making me laugh when all i feel like doing is crying.
she may not be the person I thought i was going to end up with. the majority of my life there has been this sort of idea of, well, a boy. I can still see him; tall, rather thin. tussled dark hair and maybe some glasses. he reads dante and beauvoir and maybe he writes or paints or plucks guitar strings. he has spindly fingers and maybe isn't the most gorgeous hunk on the block but his quirky charm is still captivating as we have picnics and talk about the possibility of the reality of a faerie world. He's a compilation of the love interests from many novels/ the type of person i give the double-take.
instead I have fallen for a curly-haired history major who loves video games and plays softball. She eats meat and doesn't always shave her legs. She talks about poop and we laugh at racist jokes that we shouldn't. she won't take a class she doesn't have to- she just wants to get through this college thing. she waits until the night before to write papers for classes she hates.
And I think she's gorgeous. I love her smooth skin and silky hair. her hazel eyes with a sunburst of gold around her pupil. her lips are perfectly shaped and are soft and warm against my skin when she nuzzles in my neck under my ear or kisses my chapped lips quietly when no one is looking. Our hands fit perfectly together and I just feel drawn to her. Even when we tease each other mercilessly or I feel like she doesn't want me around (regardless of whether this is true or not) I want to be with her. to be away from her for too long makes me feel like part of me is missing. because a piece of my heart is with her. We are so different yet so similar in sometimes meaningful sometimes insignificant ways. I'll stay up till 4am just talking with her.
She wasn't my first but so far she has been the best... between the sheets. I'm not embarrassed about my body and it's imperfections- she makes me feel gorgeous. I might have the sex drive of a small colony of rabbits and she would rather cuddle all night- it doesn't matter because I am with her regardless. I don't care if we never have sex again. being with her is worth it.
I don't know what else to say about us. somehow we fit together better than i would have thought. I remember meeting her and being attracted to her. not just physically but I instantly wanted to be her friend.
I remember as we grew closer and closer i couldn't help but think about the possibility- of us. not many people knew about my attraction to girls as well as boys. Brian knew but as far as i know he kept it as secret. my past lesions know but god knows what they think. I haven't talked to one for ages and the other and i have decided it is for the best to stick with being best friends and soul sisters.
I remember thinking about how much I wanted to kiss her- i wanted to see if she tasted as good as she looked. i would tease and flirt... testing the water I suppose.
who knows if we will be together forever. I know that in this moment I love her. totally and completely. it's strange how scary that is to put into writing. every time I say it it becomes more and more real. I love Heather. why is it so frightening to put down? is it a subconscious fear that the sentiment won't be returned? we say it enough to each other that I should be content and secure- but i wonder if i ever will be.
we could last another month another year a decade. but in this moment- I know this- I am happy and when I am with her the world seems a little less frightening and more manageable and I can see the hope waiting in the bottom of Pandora's box.
I could gush on and on about the way i feel when i am with her. i love the way she makes me feel. like i am worth the time of day.
the future scares me. other people scare me. my mom knows- i still can't tell what she thinks. well- i know she thinks it's "just a phase" which i suppose could be true. but it is the most wonderful phase i have ever had and i hope i never grow out of it.
and now you know.
I identified as straight until she came along and became the love of my life.