Tuesday, July 24, 2012

our story isn't over

LELOVE BLOG GIRL ALONE FLORAL SHIRT LOVE STORY BLONDS VIA WEHEARTIT
ph: weheartit

You make my head feel like a busy, New York City street the second your name lights up on my cell phone.

It doesn't happen often, and it hadn't happened for a year and a half until recently, but when it does i don't know how to feel.

You were my first love, and first loves are hard to forget. I truly believe that the first person you fall in love with will always have a piece of your heart. It's never whole again- no matter how much you move on, how many more people you fall in love with, or how much you give to the next person- there's something special about the first time you give your heart away. Or maybe it's because your first love usually ends up in your first real heartbreak and you never quite get all of the pieces back.

I don't know what kept me with you for all of those years. I was young, naive, and immature i guess. But i loved you. Oh man, did I love you. I think i would have fought to be with you until i couldn't go on. I would have been content being with you and only you forever and ever. But you didn't feel the same. And to fight any longer would be foolish. You gave up on me not once, but twice, and it broke me down more and more. You treated me terrible in those last few months, as if I were a stranger you never even cared about. You left me a ghost. You left me broken. You left me.

It took so long for me to get back on my own two feet and finally feel anything again. And as everyone would tell me, time did heal. But no one ever really listens to that phrase...time heals. But healing doesn't make it go away, it just makes it bearable. It's like a scar. There's the initial wound and it hurts like hell, almost to the point where you think you'd rather just be dead at this point, and then slowly but surely your cut closes up and then there is the scab. You pick at it a few times and it hurts all over again. And eventually you have a scar, and it fades and fades, but it's never gone. There's always something to remind you.

And then i met him, and he swept me off my feet. He showed me what it was like to truly be loved and he gave me everything you never even thought to give. Everything that hurt finally went away with a flash of his smile and with the touch of his hand I felt like I had found my real forever. A month into the relationship I could see myself with him fifty years down the road. I had never loved someone this way before, not even you. Months in though, little fights started poisoning our relationship but we worked at them. I still love him with my whole heart and i still fall asleep next to him but every now and then you slip into my dreams, out of nowhere, just like in real life and in my dreams I miss you.

I never thought, in a million years, you'd come back to me again. I'm over you, I am, I worked way too hard at it not to be. But when I get a text alert at 2:30 in the morning, and i see your name on the caller ID, my head and heart start a war. I don't think it's love, i think it's missing who you were. I have this idea of you at sixteen in my head but six years later that isn't who you are.

But for some reason tonight, it hit me hard. You know me way too well not to know how to win my heart, even for five seconds. I hate you for making me feel like this. I hate you for what you did to me way back when. I hate you for making me second guess the perfection I have now. I hate you for never really disappearing from my life. I hate you for having the nerve to ever even think I'd take you back. I hate you for your late night texts. I hate you for who you've become. I hate you for it all.

You texted me tonight and said: "I just have a weird feeling that our story isn't over. But clearly I'm the only one thinking that."

And I'd never admit it, to you or myself out loud, but...I've never stopped thinking that exact same thing.

23 comments:

  1. What are you going to do?
    My deepest fear is that the same situation will happen to me one day..but I also fear that he will never come back for me.
    Both situations would crush me

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  2. you don't talk to me, but I will comment you, always. Because I like the way you write..
    Acording to "heart", "studies" and all that stuff, first love is NEVER forgotten, even though you don't love him/her anymore. but new love will appear, oh my god, and so many times. You can still thinking in that person, but it doesn't mean you still like him/her. Think about it.

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  3. give him another chance. if love was real the first time, then it was still real. if you were apart, then maybe the love grew stronger and if you got back together it would be so much stronger than it was the first time. A different love, but a stronger one with time and experience added on

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    ReplyDelete
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    ReplyDelete
  6. Oh. the never ending questioning of my own feelings for him and my new love. the dreams at night. my heart skipping several beats everytime i get a glimpse of him or hear his name. it's just not fair. it's been years. YEARS.
    when will I call my feelings on their bluff?

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  7. time doesn't heal, you just stop allowing all those feelings to poison your daily thoughts.
    and - old loves, first loves, change with time and often seem better than they actually were. don't forget that. all the best!

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  8. I don't know what to say... your story touched me. Wish you the best.
    Hope you find love and peace in your life!

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  9. I feel exactly the same! It is true that we always remember the good times but even if you hurt each other some people are soulmates and they have true love. We often should click restart and forget the old stuff but even more important is to
    Forgive. I wish I could be back with my first and only love

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  10. if the LOVE is real then it will come back to you, if not look ahead for new life, dont stop at this point.
    you need to take bad to taste the good ..

    discreet relationship for that time not for life long

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  11. This is a copy, right? I have read this before..

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  12. this is so beautifully written :')

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  13. beautifully written !! very honest and genuine.

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  14. It's all true. It's a bit sad. But there's a question left:
    What, if there's a person you think about. Someone you care about as more than a friend. Someone who might last as your first love.
    I'm afraid of him being my first one. The one I will never forget. When do you call it love ? Do you know the answer ?

    I wish the heaven on earth for you.

    ReplyDelete
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    ReplyDelete
  16. i feel you.. im in the same situation too. It suck to know there's love but it just doesnt work out. i had given up and moved on to someone worth. thou i still loved him, but we ought to move on. the love of 16yrs is more than any words could describe..

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  17. I am in the exact same situation as you. Whenever I feel unsure about moving on, I remind myself of all the bad times, how many tears I have cried and that there is a reason why he broke up with me two times, it would never have worked, maybe for a month or two but not forever, and right now my heart can not handle anything that is not permanent. Also, if he really wanted you back, he would have done more than texting you- it sounds like the only thing he wants is to know if you still love him now that you are in a relationship, my ex repeatedly gives me these tiny glimpses of love to "keep me as his", although he does not want to be mine. I say you keep moving on and be happy with the boy you have met. You never know what happens in the future, maybe you meet your ex again and things change, but right now he has not done nearly enough to deserve you!

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  18. Absolutely loved it. Especially this part right here:

    "And as everyone would tell me, time did heal. But no one ever really listens to that phrase...time heals. But healing doesn't make it go away, it just makes it bearable. It's like a scar. There's the initial wound and it hurts like hell, almost to the point where you think you'd rather just be dead at this point, and then slowly but surely your cut closes up and then there is the scab. You pick at it a few times and it hurts all over again. And eventually you have a scar, and it fades and fades, but it's never gone. There's always something to remind you."

    Story of my life.
    Anyhow, best of luck! (:

    ReplyDelete
  19. oh god :(..
    I am too My deepest fear is that the same situation will happen to me one day..but I also fear that he will never come back for me.
    Both situations would crush me

    ReplyDelete
  20. Stay with your current guy! If things eventually don't work out you could talk to your ex but really don't go back to him. The path will just lead you to more pain and heart ache. I took my first love back three times, yes three, and each time I got burned. My heart is now in a million pieces and I have to fix it all by myself. It really isn't worth it even when you think you still have feelings or love your ex.

    ReplyDelete
  21. Wow, this sounds just like me... all those feelings. Seeing the name, the torment between head and heart. Trying to move on but knowing you can never move on. Damn. 18, young, and entering into my first relationship, I am scared as hell. I ran from him because I was scared, scared of the pain he may cause me in the future. But my heart finally gave in and I accepted him. Decided to give him a chance, it feels right now. I really hope my first love will be my last. I don't think I can survive losing someone.

    http://missycurious.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
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