Sunday, July 29, 2012

i hope you see

Untitled
ph: joshua whitelaw

She’s the only antidepressant to have ever worked, for however brief a time.

A life spent wallowing in self-loathing and bleeding wrists because it was the only thing I was good at. The only thing the bullies said I was good at. I was always on the outer at school, never truly engaged in the social aspect of life, just there to be a helping hand to friends by listening and helping solve their problems and be dubbed ‘a nice guy’ whilst they went and flirted and laughed and gossiped and fulfilled their lives. I was never happy. I was oh so jealous of my better looking counterparts, how they had everything handed to them on shiny plates. I watched love flourish but never took part and I was green with envy. It was brutal watching what I want pass me by, but severe depression and chronic antidepressant consumption froze my tongue.

It was at university I learned of non-reciprocal love. I fell head over heels in love with the girl who is now one of my best friends. I loved her more than life but she resigned me to the friend zone and it stung more than anything. My face is still salted when I remember and I still feel the odd pang of jealousy when I see her kiss her boyfriend or watch her smile as his face greets her touch screen. I’ve had people tell me that we would have been perfect together and that I should have pursued her. I take this with appreciation and offence, which is a strange feeling to say the least. But I have stuffed my feelings for her down too far to ever want to see them again. I already hurt too much as it is.

Anyway, she arrived in a flurry of gorgeous red hair and pale skin and we awkwardly acknowledged one another, she too was at school but she was as shy as I was and thus we had never spoken. Quiet, reserved, petite and quirky, she spoke softly and gave nods to indie fashion. I congratulated her on her acceptance into university and she proposed that we catch up some time. No preconceptions or anticipations, I accepted.

The day we saw one another again in the corner of a quaint little café was the first time in my life I’d could ever truly say I was happy. Her life was wrought with struggle, self-hate and depression. Liberation washed over me and we bonded over our mutual traits. She was me. And I loved the view for the first time. We spent the rest of the afternoon chatting about a scarily large number of commonalities, tottering around campus talking about indie bands and cruelty and animal rights and blueberries. This will come off as stupid, childish and naïve but I was in love with this girl, despite our short time together. I had forgotten the previous yet still fresh hurt of a love unconsummated and her voice funneled honey into my veins; everything she said made perfect sense, I could relate and didn’t have to posture to feel at ease. I left her with a warm smile, an exchanged phone number and a promise to meet again soon. We did, many times, chatting, empathising, trading mixtapes, laughing, professing our mutual feelings for one another, I fell asleep on her and listened to her quickening heartbeat; it screamed of a nascent relationship. Reciprocity was amazing. She gave incentive to what has otherwise been a pathetic existence and it validated all the hurt. I was fucking happy and I was for you.

A month or so later, she told me she was seeing someone who she is now in a relationship with. She said she really liked me but nothing could eventuate. It was as blunt as that. I cried and shook and vomited and bled into the basin. My stomach was in my chest and my heart was in my mouth. She told me she wasn’t entirely sure how she felt for him, yet flirts with him in a public forum. She tells me she still likes me a lot, and she also flirts with me still (of which she admits to doing). I don’t want to bury my love for her but I cannot deal with the awkward and ultimately unfair ambiguity anymore. I hope you see me whilst I’m still here. I love you.

15 comments:

  1. Beautiful! Maybe you'll learn how to handle things and be happy. Goodluck!

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  2. I just want to hug you and tell you everything will be okay!

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  3. You're coming off pretty off balance to me but that might just be me because I'm a guy. Your problem might be that your problems are too much for her. Sort yourself and your problems out first and try to express yourself a little less. Take a look in the mirror and decide who you want to be. If you're being bullied and you don't like it think about why they bully you. You have the capacity to change but don't look for external help, find it inside yourself. A girl won't only like you for who you are, but more importantly for what you CAN be. So if she's really that important to you then you better stop feeling sorry for yourself and try much harder than you're comfortable with at first. She might have changed and if you don't change also then she'll feel as though you're the same bullied boy when she'll eventually think about wanting a mature serious man who can raise a family with her. But back to square one, everything you need is inside and it wont be something you can do in a day, a week, or month. It took me one year to realize and on my way here I didn't have one single day that I was happy. Remember this, women are crazy. They have ups and downs all the time. That means you cant be the same. You have to be the rock and never let your ego get in the way. Based on what you wrote you really like this girl but you seem like a downer to be with. Change that and you'll see that the world will be entirely different and you can turn things in your favor. There's even a good quote by winston churchill which goes, "if you're in hell, keep going"

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  4. Please be okay!

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  5. correction: "when going through hell, keep going" :)

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  6. That text was beautiful. The whole story was. You seem to be a beautiful person. Stay strong, love will come to you eventually. <3

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  7. Oh honey. Please don't pin all your hopes and dreams on one girl. We're all only human, and we can't help who we love and don't love. Maybe get a little distance to clear your head?

    And I know, I know you will hate this, but please consider therapy. You do not have to feel this way- one lovely girl should not ruin you like this. There are people who are there to help you with your problems. You will be okay, even if it takes a long time! I know I was.

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  8. Oh this is good story. I like it.

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  9. Dude, she is just stringing you along, just because she cant decide what she wants does not mean you have to sit and wait for her to decide. Geeky and awkward is very sexy, I have faith that love will definitely come to you!:)

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  10. My life was always the same as yours. But i learnt to be patient and bealived in myself, i never allowed emotional gadgets to put me down. Hey if u need a friend this is my email. Okothderico@gmail.com

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  11. You will find that person soon. Having so much disappointment will make you stronger it just life. I read this story and also went in deep thoughts.

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  12. This site is very good for the teen agers.This site provides the information and ideas for the lovers.This site is liked bya all.This iste helps to know the feelings of the loveable persons.For more information follow the following link:
    Gifts

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  13. A read worthy of being in a novel. Truly amazing that this is in fact not just a story but someone's life. Hope for the best.

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  14. You can't force yourself to love someone.
    I'm sorry that I'm her in a way.
    But I'm sure if yuo truly try, you'll find your one and only love. =D

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