Monday, July 16, 2012
i believe you will only truly love once in your life
Sometimes, after hours and days of convincing myself I don’t need you, I slum back to wanting you back. That would not be possible though, since you never left. I am an idiot. I don’t appreciate you enough, and I push you away more often than naught when I realize I cannot do without you. I say this every time but it takes more than reiteration to make it happen. I am afraid. I am afraid to hold your hand, I am afraid to trust you wholly, I am afraid to trust myself when I am with you… I cannot take the leap of faith if you are not going to be around, because words are words and people are always people.
I always thought you were a mistake I was willing to make, because I believe you will only truly love once in your life. I believe I will love someone passionately, honestly, truthfully and only, in this life. I don’t want you to be that only one, yet I want it bad at the same time. I know I need to get out of this rigid routine and leave, to experience life the way I want to (and need to), but at nights, especially tonight, I don’t want to go through anything without you right beside. I wished my heart would bend, and never break because when around you, it hurts whenever my heart skip a beat. Why can I not forget you, I do not understand. I am tired of trying to find the answer to this question, and I suppose those around me are worn from the questions, including rhetorical ones.
I know when I wake up tomorrow, I am going to feel indifferent about you like I do in the day, though I would be nursing a phantom longing and pseudo heart-break that happens only at night, every night.
Why is this happening to me?