Sunday, June 10, 2012

to just move on and forget about you

via weheartit tears love blog black and white.jpg, http://weheartit.com/entry/30007287
ph: weheartit

I don't mind being called desperate and embarrassing and pathetic, the ex who couldn't move on, the ex who continued hoping. I was once yours and there have never been any secrets kept between us. You knew very well how not so good I am with keeping to myself whatever I feel.

It's not just because our "should-have-been-3rd-anniversary's" coming. Every single day since day one when we ended our love affair, I've been battling the familiar emptiness that I haven't felt for quite a long time. I was so used to having you around that even when we are not physically together, I am at peace knowing that you're just at the other end, waiting to be needed.

But things became totally different since that unfortunate day. I slept at night wondering if you ever thought of me too while you laid down on your mattress. If you ever missed the warmth we shared when we are right next to each other, hands intertwined in the dark. If you ever regretted giving me up, the first and only woman that you loved with your whole life.

Yet there's no way to know how you feel and think. I couldn't just make you say things that I want to hear.

Do you know it breaks my heart seeing you doing just fine while I bled and hurt inside? To realize that I'm the only one suffering and being haunted by memories and being lulled by tears to sleep at night. You probably don't even know how pathetic I think of myself every time I make and then break my own rules and self-imposed limitations. I try not to talk to you, not to smile at you, not to even look at you and I always end up swallowing my own crap.

Everybody's telling me to just move on and forget about you. That's like a stab in the flesh, through and through. They don't understand how hard it is for me. That moving on are not just words but actions needing a lot of energy to expend on.

Yes, it's almost been a year and look, here I am, still wallowing on misery. They say a person's just supposed to feel pain for 5 minutes. At the rate of how I'm doing, the pain's too tremendous that I couldn't just get over it. I just can't.

I don't know if I miss you or I love or I need you. Cos even if I figure that one out I'd be in deep shit anyway. So I think it's better that I think of you this way so things can get back to the way they were when you weren't part of the big picture.

There's one thing I know for sure though. I'm still finding that one person who wouldn't leave my life just when I need him the most.

15 comments:

  1. Very touching and moving. I understand the pain caused. We need to wait till we find that one person, with whom you feel the life would be complete and never leave you.

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  2. I like your blog. Thanks. By the way, nice pictures!

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  3. I feel exactly the same way. I just can't get over him. I love him, but I hate him so much. It really hurts.

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  4. It took me two years to get over my first love! It does get better, I promise you. Hurt for as long as you need, it doesn't make you pathetic. It makes you a better person.

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  5. Don't force yourself to feel a certain way. I went through something similar, though things turned out differently. I remember for months I would feel bad about still wanting him, even though things were clearly over. We stayed friends, and then slowly fell for each other again and started dating. This was just around the time I accepted my feelings for him. We've been together for about eight months now, and I believe that if things are meant to be, somehow you guys will be together again.

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  6. Difficult would be an understatement. Love is messy and trying to walk away from it equally hard.

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  7. Love is difficult.. My ex broke up with me for over six months ago and I can't get over him. Everything I see or do makes me think of him. He was was the perfect boy and I still love him so much. I will never forget my feelings for him, not how everything used to be or all our memories. I guess I love him forever..

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  8. I promise u in time to come u will realise it's just not worth to shed tears for him. U deserve someone better n you will definately find that special someone who will treasure u.

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  9. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KmnnOw3FlMY

    ;)

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  10. Give yourself all the time you need. There is no shortcut when it comes to getting over first loves. I will never truly get over mine but have come to accept the fact that there is someone else out there for me who will treasure and love me how I deserve.

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  11. it took me FOUR years to get over my ex. not the best 4 years of my life, but now i am older, wiser and i am head-over-heels in love with my current beau. be strong you'll make it through :)

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  12. All of these feelings are so similar to me right now too-- dealing with the breakup with my first love, first time I've opened up to someone so much in that way. It's so easy to only think of how great things were and so hard to justify why you aren't together anymore... I find myself trying to rationalize getting back together when deep down I know I deserve more, i just don't want to wait :(

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  13. I hope after writing this you can feel a bit better..

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  14. Hi, my ex bf and I were going together for 4 years and have just recently broken up. He says he has changed and does no love me enough to be with me anymore. He had trust issues with me, as 4 years ago he saw a previous ex kiss me. He forgave me and told me he loved me and asked me to marry him twice in 2011. This year 2012 has been terrible for me, he never came to see me when I was unwell and receovering for a few months from an injury. I never knew if he ever loved me, EVER. He was on antidepressants and now he is off them, he is better and he does not want to be tied down to anyone. He is 40 with a daughter (from a prevous gf, never married) and I am 38. I am hurting so bad and I cant stop thinking about him, drunk dialling him. My whole world seems like its ended, seriously. I cant think straight. I even went to counselling. He never gave me security and always talked about being with his ex's. He is gemini and so fickle, his moods have drained me and I no longer have any trust in him. His words are empty. I cant stop crying. I am trying to heal, breathe, grieve etc. We we first loves 20 years ago and got back together after a big gap. And now its all over. He said he has moved on, I cant stand thinking of him with another woman. I need to stop contacting him, but I cant do, I have tried and tried and tried and tried. Help me, I am on the verge of going insane. Please....

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  15. Hello my people i am jolson I was angry with this my best friend of a man which i do not know the reason why i was angry with him but at time going i find out this man was the reason my wife left me after i request help from the ayelalashrine@gmail.com relationship therapist he said he will help me with a spell that will surely bring her back.but i never believe all this…he told me i will see a positive result within 4 days.. 4 days later, she called me herself and came to me apologizing and she told me she will come back to me.. I cant believe this, it was like a dream cos i never believe this will work out after trying many spell casters and there is no solution..The spell therapist is so powerful and after that he helped me with a pregnancy spell and my wife got pregnant a month later..we are now happy been together again and with lovely kid..This relationship therapist has really changed my life and i will forever thankful to him..he has helped many friends too with similar problem too and they are happy and thankful to him..This man is indeed the most powerful Man call Prophet Ousla Ogwa have ever experienced in life..

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