Thursday, June 21, 2012

something i don't know

ph: Dream"

I don’t have very much experience with love, any actually, apart from my family and friends. And it terrifies me. Not because it’s something I don’t know, but because what if I never do experience it? I’m starting to feel like that lonely, pitiable, single friend not so much because I happen to be single, but because I’ve always been alone and the people around me have slowly all found someone to experience love with. And I’m the only one who hasn’t.

The worst part is that last spring I might have let someone slip right by me. He was a TA, leaving after graduation. Our paths crossed so many different times, but I was unwilling, too afraid to do anything because he was my teacher, even if he was only 2 years older than me and not technically my teacher. He was still giving me a grade. But what if he was my chance at love? I don’t know if it really was love, or just a huge crush, but I have never felt that way about anyone else. And the worst part? I think things were a little reciprocal.

This fall is the first time that someone has shown any real interest in me, and 'pursued' me in my 22 years. But I just didn’t like him more than in a friendly way. Everyone was pushing me to “just go for it!” but I just couldn’t. In the end I didn’t feel anything close to what I felt for Mr. TA. But did I push away Mr. Possibility because I was afraid? Or was it because I didn’t feel elated, anxious and nervous about seeing him the way that I did for Mr. TA?

I try every day to find at least one beautiful thing that I love and it helps me to fall head over heels in love with life itself. But I want more. I want someone to love me back. I want someone to give me a huge, crushing hug that you say is uncomfortably tight but secretly crave. I want someone to share my love of life with. And until I find someone who makes me feel close to the way I felt around Mr. TA, I just don’t see the point of going through the motions.

But what if I never find it? Or worse, what if I find it and my fear holds me back? I’ll be worse off than those that lost their loves because at least they got to experience that profound, eternal, elusive emotion.


  1. When you find the right person for you all the fear will go away.
    I'm 23 and few months ago I had my first relationship. I've been in your position and I know how bad you feel for being always single.
    As far as for TA, remember that everything happens for a reason and the fact that nothing happened between you two maybe means something.
    Just let yourself free of worries and concerns and something good will come into your life when you don't expect it at all.
    And when that moment comes you'll be 100% ready and with no fear.
    (Sorry for my writing, I'm not native English)
    Wish you the best!

  2. I'm 99% in your position, except the fact that you're older than me and I've never ever been in love...
    And even if this sounds cruel to write this;
    No matter how many love stories I read, I just can't find the answer :.(

    But I wish you the best with all my heard :D

  3. Well, I'm a few years younger than you (I'm 16), and even though we both may be intervals a part when it comes to age, I know how you feel.

    You're still young. You'll find him :)

  4. I completely agree with Stella :)
    Just continue to love and live life, and everything will fall into place as it should be. There is no use to worry, we don't have all the answers nor will we ever. Life can surprise you and events can happen like you would never imagine! You never know what tomorrow holds :)

  5.'ll find him at some point,everybody does.And it will be a great connection,im sure about that.

  6. Don't be afraid - when the time comes, you'll know, and you'll find the courage to not hold back, and truly love!

  7. I'm very similar to you. I'm 20 and I've never been in love. I've always longed for that special feeling... This year multiple boys showed interest in me, and at first I turned them down, but one was particularly sweet so I decided to give him a chance, thinking that maybe my feelings would bloom. He was one of the sweetest boys I've ever known but my feelings never blossomed. I'm going to stop wondering if turning all these boys down was the wrong decision, and just wait until I have really strong feelings for someone. (hopefully he'll have feelings for me too...)

  8. Don't worry about it so much now and enjoy life. You are young and when the time is right, you will cross paths with mr. right.

  9. True love cannot be found, It finds you. All you need to do is be the best person you can be by yourself so that when it finds you, you'll be worthy of it.

  10. P.S. watch "He's Just Not That Into You" and "Definitely, Maybe". Both great movies about how true love isn't always what we think but it doesn't mean it's not there.

  11. I was 24 when I met my first love. He was worth waiting for, and yours will be too. I felt exactly like you did when I was your age. I'm 30 now and single, and still learning to enjoy each moment in my life for what it is and not long for things in the future. Love is truly grand, but it's not the only thing that can bring happiness by any means.

  12. I know how you feel... I'm 19 and actually not that unexperienced at all. I have had a few boyfriends the past few years and they did actually love me but it was so difficult for me to fall in love with them too. It was a little like your Mr. Possibility; I felt all lonely and was afraid of staying like that even longer, so I tried to make it work even if I wasn't sure how I felt about the guys. Which was a mistake by the way, 'cause I kind of just wasted my time with them. I guess you did the right thing not being together with Mr. Possibility as you weren't sure about it.
    Anyway, I wish us both good luck for the future! May the 'real love' come soon... ;)

  13. 'I try every day to find at least one beautiful thing that I love and it helps me to fall head over heels in love with life itself' i truly understand how you feel, as this is exactly how i felt to find sumthing fulfilling to fill up all that emptiness deep inside. Not to worry dear u r on the right track, there is really no point to 'go thru the motions' if it aint meant to be or he doesnt make your heart skip a beat...I m already 25 and still have yet to meet any1 suitable, but then again, not all, in fact many of my friends whom had found love earlier are now seperated and some scarred for life. It is always worth it to wait for the right 1, it makes all the waiting worthwhile and meaningful.. but then again I must agree with you..would the day ever come at all...

  14. Reading this post, is precisely why I visit this site. Just for a second, even a short one I find this overwhelming sense of kinship. To know that there are girls in the world going through the same heart aching moments as me. I know that never having had a boyfriend or a heartfelt relationship is no where near as painful as a crushing breakup. But it hurts in a another way. Its a deep longing, that buzzes and simply never goes away. It provokes day dreams, an ignorant romanticism. And sometimes you end up blaming yourself, "am I afraid?" "did I let my chance pass by without even realizing it?"
    Well I know this, our time will come we just have to have a little faith. Because imagine this, there must be some boys in the same moment as us. For me, that is infinitely powerful.


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