Saturday, June 16, 2012
i will never stop loving you
Sometimes I lie in bed all day just so that I can dream of you.
Seven years ago now I met you. I was scared of you at first; scared of the way you looked at me. And of your rebellious ways. After that day you re-laced my chucks, though, I realized that what I was feeling wasn’t fear, and that the feeling bubbling in my core was really something much more life-altering. The next day you texted me and we went to the beach. I was intoxicated with the confidence your stare gave me, prancing around in my bikini. Every time I caught your eyes my heart jumped, and when your strong hand rested on my back I knew I was yours.
You were my boyfriend for four and a bit years. I don’t have anything but snapshots of our time together, all of these years later. I remember walking down the hill hand-in-hand after losing my virginity to you. I remember lying in your lap under the stars listening to your stories. I remember you laughing at me getting stuck on a cliff ledge, whilst letting me ease onto your strong shoulders as you helped me down. I remember dancing with you. I loved dancing with you. I remember you stopping me on the stairs and telling me that I was your soul mate.
Funny, but I don’t remember the first time you told me you loved me. I think it is because, for our whole relationship plus some, it was a given. I was the love of your life, and you were the love of my life. Nothing could change that. As safe and wonderful as that sounds, it was the undoing of us. We hurt each other. I cannot even put into words how much you hurt me, and now that I think about it, how much I hurt you. Just because we knew the other would always be there, unfaltering. We struggled against the hurt, drowning in the intensity of our love.
I remember, at the airport, whispering in your ear; “Nothing will change, I promise. I love you”, as I left for university.
Everything changed. I left and thought I had found better things. And then I left you. You were still mine, and I was still yours for a year after that. We continually toyed with our love. We kissed, we slept together, and we promised ourselves to one another… But only when the time was right. We used our great love as a back-up plan until, finally, all the hurt that had passed between us shattered everything we knew. All of the people we let get between us because we were too scared, really did push us apart – something we thought was impossible. It kills me that I didn’t fight for you before, now that it’s too late.
We are so far apart I don’t even know you anymore. But still, I cannot get over you. My love is unconditional. And a part of me still believes your love is unconditional too, that you think of me every day, like I do you.
Sometimes I lie in bed all day just so I can dream about you dreaming about me too.
And about the day you can be mine again.
M, I will never stop loving you.