Wednesday, June 6, 2012

i love you, in a different way

Untitled
ph: Marcin Grüner

I'm typing this because it’s safer than sending you this text. Because I can talk to you here. You can’t ask me to stop. You can’t change the subject. You won’t say it’s a maturity thing, or that it just doesn’t feel right. And you won’t just tell me that you love me, and your sorry it’s not in the way that I need.

I sit here in tears. I sit and while it may not be every minute of the day, it is a good majority of them that I spend thinking of you, forgetting that we aren’t together. Somehow setting aside all the times that you’ve reminded me. I think about how I miss you. And it’s only when I’m halfway through my message to you, that I catch myself and immediately delete it. Even now, I find myself pondering all of these things I could say to you. Anything to remind you of how you once felt for me. But it’s only words I’ve already said twice before.

I can’t make you feel guilty anymore. I’ve done that too much as it is. I can’t beg anymore because I’m not sure how much more rejection I could possibly handle. I can’t walk away because I can’t let go of the odds. Even if it is one in a million, that you may change your mind.

Being rational, I know that it isn’t going to happen. That’s what my brain says. But for some reason, my heart is always on a different page. Or possibly an entirely different genre of books. While my mind reads though rational and scientific studies, my heart is skipping through la la land in the pages of a fairytale.

I stayed home sick today. And I was sick. I was awake at 3 am throwing up. You know this, but what you don’t know, what I can’t tell you, is that I made myself sick. Not purposely, of course. But nonetheless, my emotional wounds turned physical. Who knew so many tears could eventually turn into vomit?

I look back at when we first talked and its funny that I barely remember those days that the conversations were light and carefree. Flirty. They had a different tone. It lasted only briefly. And what came after became the norm. It may not have been perfect, but I was happy, even if you couldn’t always tell. Somewhere in those months, the conversations changed. You forgot to tell me I was beautiful and I forgot to tell you how much I appreciate you for all that you did. But I did. And I do. I always have even if I didn’t say it.

You’ve said it yourself, this conversation has been had too many times. And it’s always the same results. You trying to let me down easy, tip toeing around my heart, trying to help me understand that you just don’t love me the way you used to, the way I still love you. It isn’t that you haven’t made yourself clear, what with the many times you’ve both gently and bluntly said you don’t feel the same and your not sure you ever will. It’s not even that I’m too stupid to understand plain text or simple words. I’m not sure really what it is that always keeps me from moving on. I am starting to question myself more and more though because of it.

I love you, in a different way.

And as far as I can see it isn’t going to be changing anytime soon for me. But I hope that one day we will love each other in the same way. Even if it’s your way, instead of my own.

29 comments:

  1. Don't look back, but try to move on. Don't cry because it's over, feel thankful that it happened.
    Cut off all contact and try to live in a new reality, one where he does not exist.

    It does get easier. It never feels like it could at the time, but it will. That's the sad fact of life, things that should destroy us don't. We are survivors.

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    1. things that should destroy us don't - never heard truer words

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  2. I'm almost in the same situation, but I'm still in a relationship with him. It's so hard to handle, but my heart says it's worth it.

    I wish you the best, be strong! :)

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  3. I've been there....your body making yourself sick with pain. It will pass. It will be so hard, but it WILL pass. No one should make you feel this pain and sadness and frustration. You cannot change someone and why do you really want to? Sure, there will be bumps but someone will love you for you and you will love everything about them - through thick or thin. If it's over, you are going to be so much stronger and learn so much about yourself.

    I promise!

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  4. "Forget him and move on !", is what I could say, but I don´t think, it would work...
    Maybe unrequited love is a challenge for us to develop ourselves.
    But still, I really hope he'll love you back the way you love him or at least, that you'll be able to move on happily^^

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  5. couldn't have said it better myself

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  6. It's funny that 2 weeks ago, I was still feeling the exact same way as you, until he told me he found someone else. It was then that I finally let it all go. I spent the past 8 months in that state, hoping that he would come back and not give up on us. Actually in the past 2 weeks, I still had some doubts and thoughts of trying to get back together... again. However, now I can say that I've let it go and it doesn't hurt as much anymore.

    It will get better and you deserve to live better, not in the painful state that I was living in or the way you are living now. Time will make things better and you deserve to find better. Don't lose hope in finding someone who actually deserves you and loves you as much as you love him.

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  7. In exactly the same situation, and i really couldn't say it better myself.

    'I look back at when we first talked and its funny that I barely remember those days that the conversations were light and carefree. Flirty. They had a different tone. It lasted only briefly. And what came after became the norm. It may not have been perfect, but I was happy, even if you couldn’t always tell. Somewhere in those months, the conversations changed. You forgot to tell me I was beautiful and I forgot to tell you how much I appreciate you for all that you did. But I did. And I do. I always have even if I didn’t say it.'

    this paragraph really hit home painfully.

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    Replies
    1. The same here.... I am on the opposite end from most of the poster's on here, because I am HIM to her. And I have a message for her.

      As hard as it is for you, It's hard on me too. I needed to move on because of the things that we did to each other. I know it hurts now, and that we still love each other dearly. But I know you will find someone to appreciate you for your beauty, and your loving nature, and your kind heart. I am sorry that I hurt you, as I know you are sorry that you hurt me. I don't blame you for ending it, and I don't blame myself for walking away.

      I too will find someone who will appreciate everything that I do and who will stick with me through everything instead of pushing me away. Someone who will support me when I come back, knowing that the life we lead is not an easy one, and that It's is a lifestyle choice I made. One that I feel so strongly about. It's a calling, a pull so strongly on me that I HAVE to do it. Something that is bigger than you and I. Something that is more important to the safety of everyone around us. It ISN'T supposed to be easy. But it is necessary.

      You never know where life will take you. I dream sometimes that you will become that person I knew when we got married, and I will heal enough to be the normal man I was when we first got married.

      I was sooo good to you, and you were to me as well. When I got back things had changed... I don't know why or how, but they did. My mindset never left where I was, or at least that's what I think happened. And it hurt you. I could tell. I tried not to show it but I was hurt too, knowing that it was hurting you. Then the quiet hurt, lead way to the pity that I saw from you knowing how subtly I was injured, but how much damage it could actually do. I didn't want your pity I needed your help. I felt lost, abandoned, alone. Even when you were right there next to me physically I felt mentally and emotionally alone.

      I miss the North Carolina us. I miss the cookouts with the guys, and the Kettle Diner after a night of drinking, and the dogs running amok in the house and not shutting up. I miss the trips to Ocracoke Island, where we would walk the beach, and Emerald Isle as well.

      I miss you...

      Delete
  8. so, so, so glad to know i'm not the only one in this situation...it's still heartbreaking, but somehow i feel better knowing i'm not alone. this blog is like therapy.

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  9. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  10. The post is amazing!

    ilaktionova.blogspot.com

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  11. i completely believe you are my soul sister. this post was directly written from my heart. i am going through the same exact thing word for word, situation for situation, feeling for feeling. i've been wanting to post something on this site that explained my feelings but i couldn't come up with the words and you did. this is perfect. the last part especially. i've been trying so hard to let go of someone who doesn't love me like i love them anymore and i can't for the life of me understand how you really fall out of love, but i hope one day we can love each other the same- even if it does mean falling out of the love i feel and feeling his love- just a respectful, friendship.

    thank you for this post. you pulled the words write from my heart.

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  12. I was in the same situation a long time ago, but I was the one who didn't love "the same way"....it's been many years and another marriage since then and I'd give anything to go back to before I told him I couldn't love him "the same way"

    I am so sorry that you are going through this, but please know that in my case anyway...he did finally get on with his life and has been happily married for a lot longer than we were together. You will feel better in time and you will be able to let go. He doesn't deserve you and you definitely don't deserve to be going through all your pain. It's trite, but it will make you stronger.

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  13. I started reading this and now that I think of it I find myself in the same predicament. I have so many questions going through my head, same as yours. I was with him for four years going on five, and everything he did was different and I was still on the same page as we were the first few days we started going out on dates. I always find myself wishing he'd love me the same way as I love him.

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  14. sei gesegnet für deine Liebe.
    es ist schön, von Menschen geliebt zu werden.
    Aber lieben zu können ist noch viel wichtiger

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  15. sorry, I forgot that I was writing in German, I said, be blessed for your love. It's so much more important to be able to love than to be loved oneself.
    Love will remain. For ever

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  16. Good luck if the other person figures out to love you, and good luck when she/he figures there's someone out there to love him/her with respect, devotion, and a lot less baggage and move on. When someone has decided one love makes them ill, causes self doubt and a host of other negatives and is offered the love of a person with a bigger heart, and host of positives. Choose positive. Forget the person, remember the lesson. There is a buyer for every house. Don't get stuck on promises or window-dressing, when there is more out there.

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  17. I've been there. In that exact same spot. Let him go. Free yourself. It may hurt when you realize he doesn't miss you. But you have to realize it. And if he does miss you, then empower yourself and say goodbye.

    You don't need him in your life. Even though you can't imagine him anywhere else.

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