Monday, June 4, 2012

for all of the people out there who just can't stop loving

elder macedo,
ph: Elder Macedo

Even as a kid I felt that I was going to live this life alone, and the world proved that to me. For most of my life, I didn't have anyone I was close to. No one had any romantic interest in me, and when one person did, I was actually very shocked. Of course, I twisted my lack of male attention into a feeling of worthlessness. I was always told that I was pretty, but everyone lied. My friends laughed at my jokes, but they were only laughing at me. There was absolutely no way that I was a kind, attractive, funny girl, and the proof was in my lack of a boyfriend. That's how I tend to think - no evidence supports this certain belief, so it has to be false. I battle that mindset every day.

On my 18th birthday, the world finally decided to give me my first boyfriend. Four months of unconditional love slid into the gutter of two months' worth of arguments, blackmail, insults, and betrayal. I admitted to myself that I jumped into the relationship way too quickly and that I never really loved HIM, just the idea of him that I had built up in my head. I'm not a romantic, I'm not a girly girl, I'm fiercely independent, I don't hold hands, and these series of events just validated what I was thinking - I'm just not wired for relationships. I accepted the fact that I would probably never fall in love.

Two years later, I fell in love.
No, he doesn't love me back.

I don't know if my love is blinding or just very pure, but those two sentences don't bother me. My love isn't dependent on his feelings for me. It took me a long time, but I'm finally at peace. At the same time, any person in love can't help but fantasize about the day that the person they love confesses their similar feelings, with kisses and hugs and roses and blah blah blah...I don't want to just fall in his arms and walk into the sunset. I know what a one-sided relationship is like, and I don't want another one.

Come on. I'm not stupid. I'm not waiting for my fantasies to come true, but I did write this as a reminder, a kind of manifesto - for me, for you, for all of the people out there who just can't stop loving:

“I am just like my love.

My love grows, my love changes. My love learns, my love hurts. My love wishes to be seen. My love wants to be loved.

Your happiness is my happiness. Do you know that yet? For my sake and for the sake of my love, if you do not know that and still ask for my hand, I should refuse.

When you finally understand, you will not ask just for my hand. You will ask for all of me, knowing that I have always been yours.”

- B


  1. I think... I can understand a little bit of how all that feels. Thank you for the beautiful words. :)

  2. More than once have I entered a relationship that I knew in my heart I was not ready for. And just as you are, I consider myself to be independent and "not wired" for relationships. But that's okay. Because I know that there will come a day (probably when I least expect it) when I'm with a person and things will just feel easy. Things will work, things will fall into place, and I will be happy. And just as I feel these things will happen one day for me, I know that the same will happen for you. Best wishes, and know everything will work itself out in the end.

  3. I believe you only focus on bad things instead of being positive! you should keep on mind all the beautiful things life has! hey, im sure someone out there loves you

  4. I'm glad that while simultaneously wanting things to work out with this person, you have the experience and "know what a one-sided relationship is like." For any type of relationship to be successful (romantic, friend, family), the most successful of them will be when you feel happy and confident about who you are and what you have to offer.

  5. I honestly understand the way you must have felt like...
    I have hurt the person, that loved me the way I am. The person, that understood, how I really am like.
    I wasn´t ready either and now that it´s all over, I just wish to have stayed as friends. Even through I don´t regret to have loved him (in a stange way), I just regret to have used him in this cruel way, just because I was lonely.

    I hope, the person you love is worth to be loved from you, cause you seem like someone who is.
    BEST wishes from Tenshi <3

  6. That's beautiful

  7. I love u blog. .you are pretty and verry swett kiss by wendy meeyer

  8. I battle that mindset everyday as well. I understand how difficult it is to hear someone compliment you and to think that they're just pretending. It may seem as though we have it "all together" on the outside but our inside's beg to differ.

    Women, such as us, wish for a fantasy but understand the terms of reality; we know that 90% of the time we will not always meet a man like Cinderella met Prince Charming. Because you are able to come to this realization, it makes you a strong and independent person. You are not afraid to face reality and the consequences that it may bring. And I just want to tell you that one day, that amazing quality of independence and self-respect WILL be admired by someone someday. Any women that pretains the notion of self-respect and independence does not deserves just an "average joe", but they deserve someone INCREDIBLE.


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