Wednesday, June 20, 2012

am i still just a coward

vice head airport man love blog leaving wishing photo
ph: Vice


Calling you by name feels odd. I think I did it just once, the first time we spoke on the phone, after that we always called each other 'sweetie'. That and all the nicknames I gave you, one sillier than the other, but you loved them all. We spent a lot of time mailing, then chatting online, then on the phone. I think my favorite was 'you' when you heard it was me on the line, saying “hey you”, with that perfect pitch and all the happiness behind, happy that it was me.

I never got to meet your parents but they sure hated me, or at least disliked me very much. They just saw me as 'the big bad foreigner' that was going to take their precious little daughter away, and in the end they made you break up with me. You were crying and telling me that you love me and all you wanted was me, but our relationship had to end. Like the stupid coward I am, I just went “Okay”. I tried to comfort you by telling you how much you deserved happiness and someone so much better than me.

That was years ago, now you have all that, and he's not me. So who will comfort me? I don't want comforting, I just want you. Why can't I be happy for you? Am I so petty that I can't allow you to be happy without feeling sorry for myself?

I set myself up for pain and misery. I decided the bathroom needed to be cheerier, more colorful and bought a shower curtain with colored dots. While in the shower I realized they remind me of you, that time you passed a skittle from your mouth to mine with a kiss and a giggle. One time, that's all it took and it's one of the cutest, most romantic things I've ever experienced. Every where I look, every thing I see or hear reminds me of you. A stuffed toy, colorful candy, a smile showing teeth and gum, you had the perfect amount of gum.

I had your picture in a frame in a desk drawer. Every time I'd be looking for something and open that drawer, your smiling face would meet me and I'd freeze. Cursing myself, I'd close the drawer, just to do the same thing again next time.

Several times I've been angling, asking if you're happy and you always say you are. You must have noticed it. You're too smart not to.

I wanted to blame your parents but now I know my own cowardice is to blame. I wanted to blame faith for putting us on opposite sides of the Atlantic but we are masters of our own faiths. If I had chosen You instead of choosing not to choose, today would be different.

If you'd let me love you again I'd drop everything to be with you. I'd walk into my boss's office tomorrow and quit, and when he asks why, I'd say “for love”. I'd take a job cleaning toilets or whatever, it would all be worth it if I could be with you.

Funny thing is, I Did get a second chance. Right after we broke up, you had a thing with a guy. But he cheated on you not long into the relationship. You wrote about it on your facebook, feeling betrayed, and all I could think of was to ask if it was me. Why didn't I just step in and go for it? Third chance? I highly doubt there will be one.

I want to go back in time, have a friendly chat with my younger self just before that day we were over. I'd kick him hard in the nuts, repeatedly. Standing over the prone body I'd say “Oh you think that hurts? Lemme tell you about My last few years...”

I'm afraid. Afraid that no one will ever feel for me like you did, or that no one can ever live up to you. Afraid that what I'm feeling now is not love for you, just pity for myself. Afraid of that telling you all this might hurt what you have today, and you'd hate me for it. Afraid of that you wouldn't care or be bothered by it. I don't know which one scares me the most. No, I do know what I'm most afraid of. I just don't want to admit it to myself.

So here I am, anonymously posting my letter to you on a blog. Is it that I care about your feelings, or am I still just a coward?

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I was such a coward that I didn't fight for us.

I'm sorry I can't feel happy for your happiness.

I'm sorry for being 'that guy', mailing and seeking contact when you're busy being truly happy with your man.

I miss you.

I love you.


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  2. It's just beautiful. Your love is so strong. I'm sitting there and almost crying... Fight for her! I keep my fingers crossed.

  3. I'm in the same situation, though actually both of us have "replaced" one another. Although I love my new boyfriend, I can't help but wonder "what if?", but I knew I had to let him go. I waited for him for so long, and I know if he wanted to be with me, he would. He would have chosen me, not her. He didn't, and there's nothing I can do about it.

  4. that is a very touchy story..:/ good one..

  5. Do it. Its never too late to express your feelings towards someone...Take the chance!

  6. You have to find your own happiness !
    You can't rely on others to make you happy as long as your not on your own !
    You'd hurt her and you'd be a coward for sure, if you don't get a rid of your fears before.
    I'm not telling you to give up.
    I'm just telling you to forgive yourself and to be mature enough to find the right timing and to become happy.
    So that if she truely loves you, you know, she will see your smiling face again and if there is a chance for you, if she might not be perfectly happy, she will come back to you in the end.
    You can't rely on pure fate, but have to create your right one.

    I hope you don't misunderstand me -I wish you the best :D

  7. Wow this made me shed some tears.

  8. Better to take the risk if telling her wat you feel thn just be thete watching how she leaves take the risk ....

  9. GO FOR IT!

    This is your third chance, don´t you realize?
    If you don't, years from now you'll look back and regret being a coward now again, wondering 'what if I did tell her..'

    If she says no, you will at least have some piece of mind having done everything you could this time.

    If she doubts, is happy with the new guy but still always wonders about you, which is possible, maybe you fighting for her this time will win her over and prove you are the one for her (us girls like to be the most important thing to a guy, because you didn't show it to her then she might've wrote you off, had to let herself be open to new guys..but this is your time to show her how important she is to you!)

    If she says yes, well I don't have to write down here how happy you will be ;)

    If there is the slightest chance you can get back together; tell her. For your own peace of mind, and for the chance of love, from your letter it sounds like she's your true love, and how many people are lucky enough to find that in their lives?

    Hold on to it, fight for it if you have to. It is the most wonderful thing in the world.

    Good luck!

  10. I cross my fingers. & I will wish every 11:11 for this to come true. Go for it. Fight for what you love. Cus if you don't youll never know if she lies in bed all night wondering the same thing and is just to scared to admit it. Ask yourself this. What if she felt the same way you do? What if she beats herself up for it everyday? What id your the last thing she thinks about at night & dreams about while sleeping? As we can all see.. You love her. Are you gonna sit back & cower in fear or fight for it? The decision is yours. I pray to God you decide to make the decision this time.

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  12. that is so beautiful and genuine. please let urself be happy and just tell her

  13. Go for it. Even if it's too late.

  14. Do it. I was in a similar situation, but i was too late. He is now married, it'll be the third year in a month. Don't let it get far enough, where you have to break up a marriage. You can't live your life constantly wondering what if.

  15. My message is pretty similar to everyone else, but yes just say it, go and tell her.

    I know you're probably like 'no way' thinking you're a coward or most likely inside you don't want to hurt her and break everything she is living right now. But I think by saying what you feel will either open a new page for both of you, and if she doesn't want anyting, then at least this is a good way to end it and move on, doubtless. You would've at least tried, which is what you cannot forgive yourself for not doing...

    Seeing what you wrote you are a grown person who cares, yet there's still that part in you that, even though you say so, you don't want to go back because of the painful memories.

    I have not much good outcomes in love, franckly my last one didn't turn out so well but if there is one thing I regret is telling that person exactly how I felt. And it's too late now because that person started a new life, had a new start and pretty much hates me for not letting him have that start in the relationship because I was too selfish. I know if I just told him exatly how I felt, we would've forgiven each other and it would be easier to move on...

    Go ahead. You won't regret it. Find the right way to tell her.


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