Wednesday, May 9, 2012

thing called love

Go Away-Crazy Phoenix, http://crazy-phoenix.deviantart.com/art/Go-away-101432894
ph: Go Away-Crazy Phoenix

What to do at this point. It has been around three to four months since I met D. I was intrigued by him. Who wouldn't be? He's dark, handsome, and mysterious. D is often self-deprecating, but he can get any girl that he wants. Yet he's been single for six years. I was so shocked when I find out that he's been with one girl. Although he's had multitude of flings along the way, his heart remains guarded and hard. He enjoys being alone and he embraces loneliness. He's become so accustomed to being single that he has made a niche for himself in solitude.

I think I've gone too far and have reached a point of no return. I am miserable. I'm not miserable because I'm alone, but miserable because I'm without him.

I've hypothesized so many different reasons for his being the way he is. The detrimental affect of his parents' relationship (or lack of)? Insecurities --emotional and/or physical? Or worst of all: simply because I am not "The One." Not that he is my "One"... only God knows. But I'm so willing to lose myself in love again. Because at the sight of him, I melt and it hurts and makes me ecstatic, all at once. Yes, I remember now what it is like to "feel."

It's pure torture. I pray to God to give me strength if this was meant to be. I'm willing to go on and suffer in his presence if there is an end in sight. But if I'm waiting in vain, I pray that he takes these feelings away.

I don't think I've wanted anyone so badly before. Friends say it's because I enjoy the challenge. I tell them, "I don't think so" and life goes on for them. But I'm stuck in this God-awful place. As much as I love his perfections, I enjoy his imperfections. I like his cool impassiveness. I like his abrasive awkwardness. I like his stoic composure. I enjoy his dry humor. I must be a glutton for pain. I love the way he dresses. I love his haircut. I love when he's smiling...and when he's not smiling. I love when our eyes meet and I quickly look away, hot with embarrassment and satisfaction.

And yet, I hate him for not seeing me. I hate him for not calling me. I hate him for not texting me. I hate him for making me wait. I hate him for the slightest touch, glance, laugh or no laugh that leaves me with thousands of questions unanswered and repeating in my head every day, every hour, every minute. He haunts me in my dreams. There is no rest with those who are in love.

Didn't I want this? I made the decision of leaving P because our love had grown stale and stagnant. D, he sets my heart on fire. When I run away to New York, I'm scared thoughts of him will follow me. I'm even more scared at the thought of leaving him.

This obsessive, consuming, passionate thing called love...is purgatory.

14 comments:

  1. how do you fix it?

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  2. You have no idea how much I can relate to this.
    "I am miserable. I'm not miserable because I'm alone, but miserable because I'm without him."
    And he is the same way. He embraces lonliness.

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  3. I don't think I've wanted anyone so badly before. Friends say it's because I enjoy the challenge. I tell them, "I don't think so" and life goes on for them. - i'm going through exactly that.

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  4. There is nothing sexier than a man who can do without by choice. Why not reciprocate to "delve" into his psyche?

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  5. wonderful writing

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  6. What can I add with this lovely voice?-awesome feelings. Love seems more great when it goes far and sweet when it stay with us. I feel that love is great.

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  7. You are very spot on with your assumptions, I'm just like the guy.
    You never mentioned if you two ever dated or not.

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  8. A hug to the heart, a kiss on the forehead, Baby gifts
    naughty peck on the nose, the first time when eyes meet, the first smile, and much more. All these pearls captured, processed and presented to you to be cherished for the rest of the happy life. Because we know and we care.

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  9. Really loved this. Was so needed at this moment too! Thank you! :)

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  10. same goes if you love ... run ... do not wait. Every moment you expect ... is wasted time. In love there can be delays delays ... love ... only because living without love is very bad. Run for your love .. now!

    kiss

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  11. I love your writing. It's so evocative...makes me remember when I was young and felt as you do. If you are "feeling" at all, isn't it better than when you couldn't? Call it a delicious anticipation and try to expect nothing. Either way, you won't be disappointed.

    Warm hugs and wishes to you that all turns out as you would want it to.

    ReplyDelete

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