Tuesday, May 15, 2012

love changes everything

sunset with Sandra
ph: Laura Makabresku

when i was young, i used to think i wasn't like any of the other girls around me and i could prove it too. i would wear pants when skirts were called for, i would chase bugs when the others screamed, i hated eating dessert (and still do) and i always always thought i would never let love get the better of me.

i was always under the impression that when i fell in love, i would not lose my independence. i would not be needy and clingy and insecure, i would be strong and tough and not let a boy get in the way of how i lived my life. i had a very clear vision of what kind of relationship i wanted and i set about looking for the exact same thing i had in my mind.

then i met you. and i loved you. a concept that was foreign to me. you told me that you liked me because i was different, i was independent, that i wasn't a girly girl. so our life began. and it was great. we had our ups and we had our downs. and my life became intertwined with yours. so intertwined that i began to lose myself forgetting who i was and what i set out to be. and slowly things began to unravel like a t-shirt with a loose thread. it was slow but it was evident.

recently when things got really tough, you called me out on how i used to be a girl you admired and came to love. my unique nature. that i am no longer the same person. i am now the clingy, needy, insecure girl i never thought i'd be. now i actually care about what people think of me. i care how people view my relationship. i reach conclusions in an impractical and illogical fashion.

i would like to point out that you are not wrong. i have changed. yes, i still rebel against wearing heels and i think short hair is cool and i'd still choose pizza over ice cream any day but when you made me love you everything changed. Love changes everything and i don't know why.

girls act in irrational ways because we're often so scared of losing the one thing we think we can't live without. if you felt threatened that someone was going to take away your heart wouldn't you be on the alert too? so we hold on tight and don't let go. but this often means we end up losing the one thing we were trying so hard not to. i don't believe i'm the first one to go through this. history has shown that i am not. movies have indicated that the outcome of such affairs are not positive. and yet here we are, girls, constantly making this same mistake. why? because love is not a rational thing to begin with.

i so often wish i could make you understand my fear and make you feel what i feel but i can't. because we are 2 different beings. i used to believe that your inability to understand why i do the things i do to keep you meant that i so obviously loved you more (yet another irrational thought process) but now that i can see more clearly, i realise that maybe you were never scared of losing me like i was you because you believed that we were stronger than that. clearly i didn't.


  1. I love this blog.. and the sentence "Love changes everything and I don't know why." is kind of strong I think..
    kisses from meeresgrund

  2. The first two paragraphs > my excact thoughts. The thing is that I've met the guy yet... so I don't know if I will change, but I guess I will, just like you (and every other girl)

  3. Amazingly simple, amazingly correct. Love is as complicated as this and sometimes more.

  4. Love is not a rational thing to begin with. Too true.

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  5. this is lovely and i completely agree! my boyfriend always tells me i am trying to fix something that isn't broken, but past heartbreak makes me worry! i hope one day to just go with the flow and hope i dont ruin one of the best things going in my life!

  6. Love does change everything. If it's going to last between two people both of them need to be willing to accept the changes and learn to love them.

  7. this is so relatable to most girls, i'm sure. my boyfriend tells me that he thought i'd be different from his ex because i seemed much more independent and the opposite of clingy, but now he concludes that 'all girls are the same.' maybe it is true. is it really a girl thing? how is it that on the whole society makes us feel that girls are the clingier gender? do we care more, or are we just more insecure?


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