Saturday, May 19, 2012

i ought to feel remorse

ph: Seren Coşkun

Anna and I have lived together for a week. It is everything I ever thought it would be. And more.

Nobody apart from our very closest friends knows we are together. Most of them weren't really "our" friends. They were our own individual friends. We both have other friends we'd like to see together but we aren't sure that they're ready for it yet. Anna and I are ready - but the friends knew us when we were with our spouses - and they're still coming to terms with the end of our respective marriages.

I worry that we might never be accepted. For somebody who has built a career on being able to tell people unpleasant truths these are uncharted waters for me. I stopped caring what people thought of me a very long time ago. Now I worry about what people will think of Anna.

We live in a goldfish bowl. Dubai is a city of 1.8 million people. But we live in a tiny subset of that population. Western, educated, and wealthy.

Of course I've known people who've been through similar experiences. But, almost without exception, these have been people swapping a western wife for a younger Asian woman. Some of these people, depending on how they fit into your social or work circle are ostracised. Others are tolerated - but they are discussed, disseminated, and mostly sneered at behind their backs.

I thought I would be able to shout about Anna from the roof. But I realise I can't. For Anna's sake.

This finally brings me on to what I intended to write about.

I don't think I'm a bad person. Of course, nobody thinks they are a bad person. Hitler probably didn't think he was a bad person.

And yet...

The list of people I've caused pain stretches for miles.

My wife.

My daughters

Anna's husband

Anna's parents

Our friends

I'm truly sorry I caused all these people pain. I feel ashamed of the hurt I've caused these people.

But what I don't feel is remorse. I don't feel remorse because if all these people getting hurt was the only way that Anna and I could be together then I feel like it was worth it.

I'm not really sure what the definition of a sociopath is but I have a feeling it's something to do with this.

I think I ought to feel remorse. I'm sorry. I don't.


  1. I usually love the posts on here, but this sickens me. My Dad cheated on my mom and left her and all of my siblings and you will never understand the trauma and insecurities that stem from having a parent walk out on you. "Love" or lust is never worth destroying the lives of your family especially your offspring who you are forever connected to.

  2. I agree with the girl above. I usually love posts on here but this one is just pathetic. You are a coward for cheating you should have left stating the reasons why you no longer wanted to be in the relationship instead you acted like a sefish jerk and took the easy way out. Yes, you ought to feel remose. Stop trying to act like a victim, you are not the victim here, nor is your precious Anna. You both made a with it.

  3. Perhaps they did not cheat the way you assume. They could have fallen for each other and known they would have to end their original marriages to be together. And perhaps they did cheat... in the most presumptuous way. To each their own.

    To the writer- your loved ones and close friends may move forward with you if they see a love that is greater than before, so show them. Show Anna.

  4. I agree. Grow up! Stop running from everything and stop acting like the victim. So selfish

  5. Hello
    Honestly? you're really a bad guy. Do not feel remorse because he has no feelings. One day you'll know the price of betrayal and then see how much she is hurting ...
    Honestly? You really are immoral, not only for what you do but the way he must feel ..

    You do not deserve to be a father ..
    I'm sick of people like you ..
    hey ... what you write here is not a love story but a sad and unfortunate history of immoral betrayal ..
    One day will be judged by his actions and then ....

  6. Don't beat yourself up. You obviously have a lot of feelings, otherwise you wouldn't be sharing them on a site like this. Good for you. And shame on anyone that left a comment calling you a bad guy. Who are you people to judge--you don't know this person? Who are you to throw stones?--you aren't perfect either.

  7. I don't think divorces are bad in itself. My parents separated when I was four years old and I'm glad it happened because now they are happier than ever. But I can not say that it has been easy getting to where we are today.

    The important thing is how you handle the divorce. And if you cheat on your wife, you're bound to handle it badly. Your kids will hear about how you cheated, since your wife probably hates you by now and will want to hurt you back, and will do so through your kids. And your daughters will probably have some serious trusting issues, and will believe that this is what boys do. They leave you when they find something prettier.

    Because exactly this is what I have been dealing with the last 17 years. My dad cheated on my mom, and since then I have been in the middle of a raging war between my parents. And very often do I find myself having to defend one of my parents against the other. This has of course made me very cynical. I'm more keen on telling you what I hate, more than what I love. Because "it takes guts to be gentle and kind".

    I'm not here to judge you or wish you good luck. I just want to tell you what happened to me, so that you can save your daughters from this cynical black hole. Please, don't let this happen to another innocent child.

  8. Don't like this.

  9. If Jesus came into the world would be tried again. Judge ... judge ... is easy. But, quoting the Dalai Lama

    "Never mind the judgment of others.The beings are so contradictory that it is impossible to meet their demands, to satisfy them. Keep in mind just being authentic and true ..."

    Be happy and make others happy too

  10. firstly, i must say i find those of you to comment a post like this, especially when you're judging the way you do, and not as much as sign it with your names, real cowards.

    i've been in a situation much like the one told about above. unlike the writer, i felt bad. i still do, every day. but, just as him, i've never felt remorse.
    cheating is in many ways wrong, mean and a lot of other ugly sad words, but if i hadn't taken the chance to share something, anything, with this other man i would have cheated on myself. i love my husband, with all my heart, but in another life i would lay all of my love on this other man.
    i love them both, but one of them i cannot be with, more than secretly.

    and you know what? i believe that if cheating wasn't such a tabu, more people would let all of their love out. because i don't see cheating as simply a bad thing, i believe it to be a way of letting every little piece of love out.
    if cheating was socially accepted, more marriages would last, because then, everybody would remember doing their best to be their spouses best, every day, always, instead of taking the shared love for granted.

    i'm not saying that cheating is good, nice or nothing else but in many ways wrong. i'm just trying to explain that when love really hits you, and you already promised your heart away, you have to choose between cheating somebody else, or yourself.

    i feel bad, but neither i feel remorse.

    1. I think you need to grow up and let the other person know that you're cheating on him. It's not fair to him, and it's extremely selfish on your part. You know that. You need to tell him. How would you feel if you found out he was cheating on you? If he accepts it, then great, that means he's understanding and caring and you're lucky to have a man like that in your life. If he doesn't, you should completely understand and leave him alone or end the other relationship.

  11. Well said, Sarah. Without knowing the specifics of the author's situation, one should not assume that this divorce will "ruin" the lives of his children. The author and his wife can make the choice on how to proceed, keeping the children in mind. People should be more honest with themselves about their own feelings. Love is sometimes unavoidable. My husband and I have had conversations about this very topic and we have been honest with each other about our feelings towards one another and our relationship and those outside it. Things can work that way.

    To the author: some people will never accept their own feelings. You will have to accept that those people will always be out there, judging.

  12. Never judge someone for they're actions if you haven't been in the same situation yourself. None of you know the writer's story; only the little part he have told us here.

    Think about the saying, "All's fair in love and war".

    Sometimes your feelings change and you fall for someone new. In my opinion you should never give up your marriage unless there's nothing left. Sometimes people have to divorce and leave their spouses to be happy.

    And: As for the children, of course they will be devastated, but eventually they will understand that the best thing for their family is for everyone to be happy, and being married to someone, and loving someone else will never make either of them (husband or wife) happy!

  13. Hate this post

  14. This is the real life, this is what really happens, My dad cheated my mom when i was only 6 months of life, and when i was reading this I didn't remember that, i was only remember that's it is hard to fall in love, it is hard to be in a tough situation. So grow up everybody who said that is a victim of the bad relationship of your dad and mom, the fact of your dad cheating your mom it's not the problem, the problem it's you who only knows to judge and feel confortable to judge people for yours problems.

  15. consider this: you had the same love for your wife (at least you should have since you VOWED to love her at your wedding) as you now claim to have for Anna and she for her husband (at least she should have since she VOWED to love him at their wedding). now what? bliss? hmmm...

  16. I don't really have any issues with this post. If you want to be with someone, you should be with them. Even if it means breaking up a pre-existing family and losing friends. It's your life, you deserve to be happy. However, I DESPISE secret relationships. I think the person who is doing the cheating is a complete coward and extremely selfish in not letting the other person know. For example, Sarah. You all should also remember this: If your now significant other cheated on their previous spouse, and then left them for you, what makes you think they won't do it again?

  17. Dear Author,

    I really hope you see this. Screw these people. They don't know you, or your situation, and are obviously letting their personal experiences cloud their opinions of you. The judgement and bitterness only means that they're unhappy, so avoid making their mistakes: live for yourself. Love this woman that loves you back. Live. Be free. Don't be sorry.


    A friend

  18. It is really sad that he an acknowledge that he has hurt so many people yet is so selfish to only think of the joy he is now experiencing. Sadly sex not love reduces people to animals without a heart. His family are obviously better off without someone who doesn't know how to truly love cos real love doesn't hurt


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