Wednesday, April 25, 2012

why i should matter

It was cold, winter morning.
ph: Makayla Rogers

For 5 years, I have wondered when I would be a priority. When I would be important enough for you to say, "I'm here," and mean it. For 5 years, I waited for your empty promises of marriage proposals, international adventures, the words "I love you...unconditionally," that you actually meant. With your initiative, we we shopped for rings. We discovered the perfect one, together. I bought yours that day. Even customized it to symbolize our uniqueness and commitment.
We created a world meant for us. Your poems defined the ground we walked on, and my lofty dreams consistently created unpredictable weather. Yet, we continued to walk even when the terrain became unstable, we went on. We pretended that the road was not rough and that we could handle anything, even though the distance seemed exhausting with no end in sight.
For 5 years I grew, and you regressed.

We envisioned little ones, even named them. Always insisting that their lives would involve the team that defined us, and the NFL Play 60. Instead, accidentally and unplanned, ended up with two of the most amazing pups on the planet. We discussed for days, as they remained without named, what we would call them. Our names fit. Same first initials are "meant to be." And we created theirs, same first initials - yet this time they defined unconditional love. We lived separately in the same space. Even when we included one another, we were removed from what actually existed. I remember when your touch was anything but comforting, and looking at you as though the piece that I once clung to had evaporated into a close circle of what became your social world, where the word "cunt" became casual, when referring to your partner. The names you began to call me in our ruthless arguments were so devastating, that even my responses couldn't be formed out of the breaths I had left. After, when I said "I love you," I really meant that I was terrified to be without you, and that my love was something I mistook for co-dependence, and that when you told me I was damaged, and would never find anyone else, I believed you. I believed everything you said from the beginning until the end.

Our drawn-out goodbye was complicated as we counted down the days until you actually left. Your last week here, not an exchange passed, where we both weren't in tears. Never once saying, "we can do this," "whatever needs to be done, we'll do it." Instead our common space filled with questions of "why" and "how." Never finding an actual answer, just realizing that the concept of "we" was too far gone to ever retrieve, if it ever even existed, and the questions of "why," were inconsequential. We ended up where we did, because that is what we created. I have said for the past year that we control our own destiny. Never realizing that our destiny meant what we would never work.

We collectively planned our goodbye. You were to give me my key in exchange for your remaining elements you conveniently left behind. Instead you cancelled, even though I had already gone. Asking if there was any other day that we could do "this," Precisely meaning, it's $2.00 Coors cans, and the ending game for the Mavericks and Thunder, and that is more important than our world of 5 years. I simply replied, "no." Fully knowing that if I held on any longer, my soul was going to die while pleading for validation and importance. Instead, I remained. Your last typed words of, "OK. I guess just throw it away," meant more than you had intended. It was the last time that I would listen and believe the words you were giving me. I threw it away. All of it. Defined with the realization and intent that never again would I beg nor plead with anyone for the reasons why I should matter.


  1. Beautifully written!

    I admire how strong you are in the end. Standing up for yourself. And I want you to know, you do matter and you deserve someone amazing!

  2. ....and arent you glad that isnt your life anymore? I sure am.

  3. Hi
    I really love your blog and so sorry you have had your heart broken.

    I have a blog, which is my views on Life, Love and Relationships (I am 40yrs old) and I had my heart bludgeoned with a sledgehammer and then ice picked :-)x. I think you will really identify with it and it may help you understand - the blog is

    I would start at the relative beginning with the article "How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria" after reading the "About" and "Welcome to" pages.

    You can also contact me via email from the site. Let me know what you think.

    Isaac Sarayiah

  4. totally thought i was reading a story about my longest relationship. we didn't make it 5 years but we did make it 2 1/2. wedding rings picked out while overlooking all the crap that was actually there. i'm glad we both made it out stronger!

  5. badly written.
    grammar all over the place i had a hard time trying to understand what your were trying to say.

  6. Great Post !
    I like the awesome blog and i am inspired to start my Blogging as you after visiting you blog site.
    This a Awesome Blog to me.
    However, Thanks again for the nice post and sharing it with us.

  7. fabulous! i'm right there with you....except i haven't gotten to the ability to let fully go yet. it's coming, and your story inspires me and gives me strength. i am proud of you!

  8. Amazing blog, love it!! Remember you do matter, you just need to find someone to appreciate your existence!

  9. your blog is simply amazing. I'm in the exact situation, your posts creat a clear image to me which I've been seeking for a long time.. seeking for help. I could never explain what that 'feeling' (more like a god damn curse) is like. There's so much to say you dont know where to start.. so much little detail that makes a difference to what its like. Sometimes it feels like your in a pressure cooker when you just want to burst out but you cannot!! You've a great insight and you inspired me by your feelings which gave me a headstart to defining 'love' thank you!!


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