Monday, April 23, 2012

he made me question everything

It was cold, winter morning.
ph: Laura Makabresku

It’s so hard for me to comprehend what I’m feeling. I’m just the type of person who has to know what’s going on. But I don’t. I cannot, for the life of me, figure out went on with him, let alone what is going on with me.

Maybe it was my excitement. It had been so long since someone had shown such genuine, respectable, interest in me that it caught me off guard. Every time he paid me a compliment, I didn’t know how to react. I didn’t know whether to say ‘thank you’ or make a sarcastic, albeit funny, remark. Every time he laid out suave line, I didn’t know whether to call him out or play along. I didn’t know what I was doing. But it made me happy. He made me happy.

Despite all my inexperience in handling his mannerisms and style, he was still there. He still talked to me. He still wanted to see me. I could not figure out why, but I loved it. I loved that he wanted to see me for the sake of seeing me. I loved that he wanted to talk to me, for the sake of talking to me.

After years and years of being a ‘soloist’, six to be exact, I had forgotten what it was like to be wanted. I had forgotten that feeling of content and euphoria of knowing that someone was thinking of you and you were thinking of that someone too. That electricity you feel when he holds your hand, or put his arms around you. It’s addictive. It’s dangerous.

Maybe I was jumping to conclusions. I allowed myself to become deluded by this infatuation. I’d like to say that I grew to like him just because he showed interest in me, but I’d be lying.

Things took an unexpected turn for the worst and for the first time in my twenty years on this earth, I had my heart broken. It’s kind of stupid of me to say this on a blog like this, but if you haven’t had your heart broken, then there is no way I can even begin to explain how this feels. I can’t even understand it myself.

He led me on, left me in doubt and made me question my worth.

He made me question everything. Was it me? Was it him? Was it someone else? Every time I find myself alone, I can’t help but think. I can’t help but think of him. I NEED TO KNOW. Why the fuck do I need to know? For some reason I just can’t let it go.

There are so many things I want to know, so many things I want to say to him, but my insecurities hold me back. What if he doesn’t feel the same pain that I do? What if it was just nothing to him? Why must I look like a fool in front of him?

Somehow I just want to know that he’s also putting up a front. That he’s just pretending to be okay. That deep down inside, he regrets it.

I wish I didn’t feel like this. I wish I hated him. But I don’t. I really, really don’t hate him. I can’t hate him.

I’ve been told that maybe I’m more into the idea of being with someone that it is actually being with HIM. Fine, that makes perfect sense, but how I can I get over him, if he’s that SOMEONE attached to that idea?

All I can say is:
You’re a coward. Not because you couldn’t tell me you didn’t want to be with me with me for whatever reason. I’ll admit, if the roles were reversed, I would have had a hard time too. But you’re a coward because you were too scared to try. You were too scared to try to see that we would have been good. We would have been great.

22 comments:

  1. I feel like I could've wrote this. xxx

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  2. damn...i totallly feel like im writting this... =S i have lived this. and i know how much it hurts, and the worst part is that i cant seem to move one. i need an answer too, i want to understand, know what happened with him, why he changed. However i know those kind of guys are not worth, i know what we need to do, forget, and understand we are BETTER than them and we DO deserve better. time will heal, it will all get better in time.

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  3. this gives me chills... its freakishly similar to my situation

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  4. perfect. i feel the same way. it's the worst.

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  5. I was once in the same situation and it took me 6 months to get over him and understand that he wasn´t the perfect one for me. He was just someone who gave me what I needed, that most guys can give you.

    The only thing that makes you move on is to meet an even better person. And then you understad how stupid you were thinking of this guy.

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  6. Everyone who got broken up with asks these questions after they broke up with someone..

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  7. This is just perfekt. thank you so much. i feel exactly the same way now.

    thank you.

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  8. I totally feel your pain. It's like, you don't know where you stand. You don't know if he even feels the same.

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  9. I have been right there with you all. Not knowing what to do with myself and feeling worthless. What I did realise though is as much as I wanted the truth and answers it didn't matter if he had given me all the time in the world....I was past the point of believing him. Remember he is a coward and that will make you stronger. You don't need to speak him....cowards will NEVER tell you the truth, only what they think you need to know. things will get better x

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  10. i think everyone who responded in here needs to read this article:

    http://m.wikihow.com/Give-Each-Other-Space

    for their own sake.

    cheers.

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  11. My thoughts out loud. Thank you for putting them into words and making me realize how much of a coward he was.

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  12. I feel completely identified with everything you write is amazing, keep it up! You're great!
    I wish you will visit my blog and tell me what you think: http://masquetodoymasquenada.blogspot.com
    PD. I follow you! : D

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  13. holy shit. it's like you put my thoughts into words. it's so similar to what i'm going through..

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  14. I'm right there with you! We know we should move on but somehow our brains are stuck on repeat. I wish I could erase my thoughts of him. It would make the pain go away...

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  15. I Understand what you are going through. But we have got to move on for we may never find those answers. You have already invested some of your life on him and were turned down. Do not waste any more time on people like that. Have gone through the same thing and realized it hard way..Move on.. That is the best thing you can do now for yourself.


    http://www.virgincerebellum.com/

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  16. I have written a piece for myself that's almost the same. i thought for a second it was actually mine!
    So similar and so painful. I just can't stop thinking of all the possibilities

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  17. I know how you feel.

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  18. I've been in the exact same situation..well I guess I can say that because of my own stupidity I'm still in the situation. It's almost been a year now that we've been broken up, he broke up with me and left me to rot. Except we've still been seeing each other. Not a soul knows and I know that it's the worst thing but it makes me happy to see him, feels even worse to be writing it down.

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  19. Damn. This is EXACTLY what is going on with me. I did the same like you. I don't know which way to feel either. I'm scared, what am I supposed to do!

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  20. It is so nice to know that there's someone out there feels the same thing as what im going through.

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