Tuesday, April 17, 2012

forget me

Day 260/365 ~ Another Day Another Life Passes By Just like Mine; It's Not Complicated
ph: Amanda Mabel

I've always been told that I deserve better. But I never took that advice to heart because I am an extremely passionate person. Whatever I want, no matter how painful, difficult, or tiring it is, I will put my utmost heart and efforts into attaining it. But lately, I've been drained of the energy to hold on.

I've always wondered what I was to him. We were friends, but not really. Friends, after all, would make some sort of effort to catch up with each other. I was more like his secretary. He only came to me when he needed help, and of course, I was always willing to fix him whenever he was broken. If he missed class or had any difficulty with assignments, I was there. I never even thought about making him reciprocate my obvious feelings for him. Instead, I just continued to help him. I even listened to him pour his emotions out on the phone. I gave him words of advice and told him that everything was going to be okay. I never hinted that I liked him. I didn't make an effort into asking him out. I didn't openly flirt with him. I didn't want to appear pushy and I wanted him to feel like I'm the girl he could count on. The one that would completely understand everything he was going through.. and maybe, just maybe, he'll somehow feel the same way.. if I was lucky enough.

Then something happened. I woke up one day and realized that he only saw me as a friend. It was obvious. He only talked to me when he needed me. Otherwise, I didn't really mean that much to him. I was always on the side, while he flirted with other girls. Every time this happened, I'd remind myself that if I was patient enough, I'd start to mean something. But after months and months of waiting, nothing happened. Nothing has changed. He still continued to talk to me on the phone for hours at hand, but he didn't ask me to spend time with him out of school. Most of our conversations were school-related, and I could feel myself slowly fall into the friend zone, if I had not already been there in the first place. So I gave up. I stopped looking at him the way I always did. I stopped initiating conversations. I skipped the classes I had with him. I was weak. I didn't have the strength to be friends. I had too much pride to admit that I could not be friends with him because I'm always going to want more. It is the most selfish thing I have ever done to anyone. I am the type of person who cannot and will not turn down a cry for help, and leaving him was incredibly difficult. We were never anything to begin with, but the hardest part of my decision is that I miss him. And honestly, I am pretty sure that he doesn't miss me. He has not contacted me. Perhaps he's afraid of doing so, but if he had any feelings for me, he would eventually. I was afraid to do this sooner because I could not accept the fact that he didn't feel the same way. Although I knew it was a huge possibility, I did not want to believe it. But sometimes, we need the truth. I couldn't wait on him hand and foot selflessly.

It hurts to know that he'd forget me. But maybe this is the way it's supposed to end. Maybe I had to learn that being friends with someone you have irrevocable feelings for is self-harming and unnecessary. At least with him out of the picture, I didn't lose much. Actually, he never offered me anything, and even his friendship is replaceable. But for now, the only person who has my utmost attention and care for, is me. And I'm the only one I really need.



  1. I'm not even sure if you ever had his real friendship . so , for sure, you didn't loose anything.. You won something.. You became a bit stronger and you've learnt a lesson..

  2. this is scary because this couldnt be more of the situation that I have been in this year. I lost my best friend of 5 years and even though it is so painful not having him as a friend and even though I miss him so much and see him every day at school, its easier than having him as a friend and seeing him with another girl. best of luck, really. xoxo

  3. The photo is perth!

  4. I don't think he was a friend either. Friends don't come to you only when they need you. They are a support and they understand (or atleast try to)your feelings. You are a strong girl. You really deserve much better. Be stong and stay happy. So many best wishes for you. :)

  5. I was in the same situation for 3 years. Be strong and be proud of yourself! You deserve the best of love.

  6. I'm going through the same situation. And i understand how difficult it gets to see the one you love with someone else. Though i wish the very best for him and all i want is his happiness but still it is painful. I just can't stop thinking about us. I really believed that we were meant for each other and we really do have a great chemistry. I hoped that sooner or later he will feel the same too but he never tried to be my good friend. I cut him off too but he asked me whats wrong and i just made up some stuff. But i wonder whether i really mean anything to him or its just that he wants me for his college work.
    I don't know but i've decided that i won't think of him romantically now and won't talk to him the way i used to before. Its just feels better this way.

  7. First of all thank you for sharing your story. My heart aches tonight as I am in a similar situation. Reading your story has brought tears to my eyes, as I know the feeling all to well. I know it in my heart that trying to remain friends with someone I have deep feelings for, is only pro-longing my pain. When he speaks, whether it's a funny story or a painful one, I listen and genuinely care and let him know. When I speak, most times, I feel like it's a one way onversation and it hurts so bad. I am constantly disappointed and in despair. As, the others have said in their comments, he wasnt a true friend. Frienship is a two way street. It's a give and take, not always take take take. You were brave to finally let him go, I know how difficult it is, as I have been afraid to do the right thing for years..maybe in reading your story, I will be able to let him go too. :'(

  8. I'm sorry for your loss. Truly. It sucks being the one chasing and wishing and hoping. Especially when there's no reciprocation.
    And maybe this boy just didn't feel that same way about you. Your story makes him seem selfish and self centered.
    Even though he must have some redeeming qualities for you to want to be with him.
    But, by not ever even hinting that you liked him or telling him how you felt is, in a way, being dishonest.
    What might have happened if you had said that you really liked him? Or that you were starting to have feelings for him?
    He may have liked you early on and felt that you just wanted to be friends, so he had to move on? Who knows?
    Boys can also be slow and kind of dense.
    My only advice to you would be to take a chance and say how you feel.
    At least it may not have prolonged the agony for months?

  9. I feel you.

    I've known this guy for almost 3 years now. The first year was great, it really seemed like he cared. Long conversations on the phone, talking almost every day.. Next year, even better. He sometimes evend held my hand (even though we weren't dating). Now, if he doesn't need something, I don't hear him either. One of the last times we talked I was kinda sad because of a situation at home, he ended up falling asleep during our convo. If it was the other way around, I would even have stayed up all night just to be there for him.

    I was just blinded by him, all along. And it took me until now to realize it. Yet, I somehow still care. Why? You tell me.

    Anyhow, I think you're doing the right thing moving on. People with a good heart like you shouldn't be taken for granted. Here's to the next guy who'll genuinely care about you and make you forget about this asshole. I hope someday I will have enough strength to cut the cord, as well.

    Best of luck (:

  10. This is just what I needed to read, since I took the call to let go of a toxic "friend" relation. Thank you! I am sure things will just get better from here

  11. We were never anything to begin.....and i knew this but i thought maybe he would actually like me... i was there for him, helped with his hw, encourage him when he was down, and he never gave me shit, he used me, we use to hang out all time, then we driftly and i got jealous everytime he talked to a girl because he would flirt, he always talked about himself....and god here i am about to graduate and were not even friends and i miss him so much and i hate him


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