Friday, March 2, 2012

still learning

ph: Laura Zalenga

Its something new everyday. Some stupid, little, petty, senseless fight. Ive been dealing with it for 2 years now. I ask myself why? Why do i put up with it? Why do i settle? why make myself unhappy, so he can be happy? The only thing i can come up with is, love. But then i ask myself again. Why? Why do you love him? Why do you care for him? The only thing i can come up with is, because i just do. Well thats not good enough. There should be atleast one point that sticks out in your head to why you love someone. Is it because hes my first boyfriend? The first boy that i actually cared about, and say those 3 words to? Is it because i am more than comfortable to be myself around him? Thats what i think it is. Being in my comfort zone. But why? Im a strong girl that shouldnt be afraid to step out and be free once again. Thats when i go back to, No Its because I love him. BUT WHY?! Whats there to love? He puts you down. He belittles you beyond belief sometimes. He tries to control your EVERY move. Picks fights everyday. He shouldnt throw foul language at you like its his job. Thats NOT what love is. Love should make you feel happy and blessed that you found someone like your partner. Not miserable, and angry. You should feel proud to bring him around your friends and show him off. Not just stay in the house. He should bring you gifts and surprise you with your favorite candy and flowers once in a while. Not threaten to break the relationship up. Ive been on this road too many times. I should have more pride and self respect to not be treated this way. I know i can do better, i know i can get better. I know i deserve better after all the shit ive been through my entire life. Maybe somehow and someway my brain is trying to convince me that i love him, and that im happy with him. But the thing is, in some twisted way, I AM happy to be with him. Cause when im not with him, im miserable. But wait, im miserable already in the relationship. I dont know, im confused… This is only my first “love.” Im only 18. I see all the problems wrong with this relationship. I see what needs to be fixed. Now its time to just deal with the fact that, none of it is going to be fixed, and he wont change, because hes a stubborn dick! I just have to be wise and tell myself that, this is just a lesson to be learned for what i dont want in my life. I need to be thick solid on the decision. But im still learning how to do that. Maybe thats why im still in this relationship, cause im STILL LEARNING.


  1. This is so good. I've been looking for a little novel, or what you can call it like this. Just like this.

    It describes me and my x so so so so good. Or at least, this is how i feel..

    Now i miss him, because we're not in touch. but when we're in touch, it's like this bad thing and good thing...

    "But the thing is, in some twisted way, I AM happy to be with him. Cause when im not with him, im miserable. But wait, im miserable already in the relationship. I dont know, im confused… " SO ME.

    Thank you SO much,

  2. This was me too. 18 years old and unhappy, but so in love. Couldn't walk away, I was nothing without him. My heart was always in pieces, but then there was this times when I was so happy though I was hurt. Stupid.. I just want to say that I ended it last week. Can't understand, but I just did it. I'm so proud over myself I did and that i'm not crawling back. I am strong, and one day I promise you will be too. I lived with that 3 years, and now it's over. It's still hard to understand, but I'm trying my best not to break. If he's not going to change in the future and understand what he's doing wrong, I PROMISE you'll one day be strong enough to do what I did. And see that you will survive. Promise

  3. you have explained in the most descriptive sense what your perception of your boyfriend is and it is NOT of anything good.

    if youre staying with him out of fear of being without him thats the WRONG reason to stick by someones side.

    you stay with someone because of all the positive qualities they possess and the positive up-beat energy they bring into your life.

    you dont enter a relationshi saying "im goingtobe able to change tis and that and all will be perfect". relationships arent perfect and you are powerless when it comes to modifying your partner to become something he clearly currently isnt : worth your time and sentiment.

    first loves are supposed to be grand! crazy! and memorable! this one youve described doesnt sound like its one youd like to tell your future kids, nieces about.

    i suggest you follow your gut. dont reason your senses. you know what to do.

    if you put up with being treated poorly for so long, you eventually start to believe you DESERVE TO BE TREARED POORLY.....

    and you girl, DON'T.

    listen to your intuition.
    it will always lead you safely forward.

    -kelly v.

  4. You can continually search and kiss a lot of toads or toadettes, but when you find the one who makes you want to do better, be better and open your heart to possibilities, why keep looking? Use your intuition and trust yourself. Be happy.

  5. I know exactly how you feel because im in the same situation..But you can do this, we can do this!!! Just be storng because we FUCKING deserve BETTER!!!

    Love is happiness - never convince yourself that suffering is a part of it.

    /Love Jasmine

  6. I feel exactly the same way and I'm 34!!! I should be sensible enough to walk out of it but somehow there is something inside me telling me I'm happy!

  7. Listen to me,i really know what you are going through... I know that moments when u feel miserable when u are with and without him...but think about what u said,love is suppossed to b happiness,you should feel butterflies! If really gotta walk away. U r young,taste ur freedom again. At first i know it'll b hard to b away from him,but then u'll just star living and actually smiling... Not being confused. Dont b afraid to let go... Show youself u can b strong enough!

  8. you know the answer, the scary step is just what you're going to do with that answer. and so it's easier to stay in your comfort zone. but you'll never know unless you do it! don't let anymore positive energy be taken away from you, with all of the anger and misery. you know you deserve better, so take action. you are still learning, just don't tell yourself you don't have the answer, when you do. if you have to think twice, you already know.

    i'm wishing you the best! you're strong girl!!

  9. This was me for the last couple of years. Then, last summer, I broke up with my first love after dating him for 6 years. Deciding to do this was the hardest thing I've ever done. But after it was done, I felt a sigh of relief. Like I was freeing myself. It was scary, and it was not, and is still not easy afterwards. And whether it was the right thing to do, I still do not know. I cross my fingers that it was and that I will be better one day for doing it.

    Is all the suffering you're experiencing worth the good moments of your relationship? Is he the sole reason for your unhappiness? Have you tried talking to him and explaining how you feel? Talk to your friends, and follow your intuition.


  10. I think you already know what to do...

    Let it go & Move on!

    Good luck!

  11. honey it is hard leaving, no matter what circumstances, good or bad. but you will feel so free and brand new again. it will hurt for a very long time, but it doesn't last forever.

    it's okay to let go. it's okay to walk away.

    do it for you, because there is FAITH that you WILL have a better love in your life once again. one who won't hurt you and one that you will love just as much, even more.

    it is all a learning process. but it won't stop until you allow yourself to learn the lesson and leave.

    wish you the best <3
    everything will be okay.


  12. this was me at 17-20. 3 years of shit, name calling, daily breakups, staying in the house, jealousy, accusations, mistrust, abuse. i left, for the last time. took a long time to get my life back on track, to be single and okay without him. im 23 now and getting married at the end of the year to the most amazing boy who protects me from my past.

    you will be okay.

  13. I'm having the exact same problem but I'm much older than you and he's not my first love. I ask myself the same thing. Why do I love him? I just do. And, maybe it's just that. But in time I know that my love will fade. It usually does when someone doesn't treat you well. But in your case it may be because he is your first love. I had a very hard time ending it with my first. It took me 2 years of going back and forth before it was finally over. Alot of it may have to do with the kind of relationship you had with your father, whether he was emotionally present in your life.

  14. Follow your heart.....strive for the happiness you need.

  15. This just happened to me. My friends saw it and I didn't. They always gave me looks and made snide remarks. I convinced myself I didn't care what they thought and that I was in love. But one night I was at my breaking point. My best friend made a comment that cut deep and I cried. Hard. I had never felt so alone. He barely seemed to care. Later that friend came over and told me how she felt I was different around him and that he put me down. I knew it but never wanted to admit it. I knew I had to step away. So I did. I wish i could tell you it was easy cuz it's not. It went well and we still talk and are on good terms. But there are good days and bad days. Days when I hurt for him and see him happy and think he never felt it. But there are also days when I know God is making me stronger. When I feel so free. Idk if you believe in this but babe, God tells us to take one step. One step and he'll take care of the rest. You can do this. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

  16. I lived this for 2 years and a half from the age of 18-20 (almost 21) and he wasn't my first love. Let me tell you that it took a hell of a lot of courage to walk away from him, but I know its worth it at the end. I still miss him like crazy sometimes, we still talk and it hurts when i see him happy with someone else. But I'm a lot stronger now and you will be too, it just takes times. Be strong, you will find love again.

  17. Love this blog.

  18. cliched: but then... love knows no reasons...

  19. This is the epitome of me when I was 18. First love, incredibly destructive relationship.

    Now, six years later and looking back, I wish I had ended it after the first year. Not after waiting for 4 very long years to pass.

    Hope can be good, but sometimes it leads you to a dead end. But in life, we all need to learn our lessons our own way. But eventually we realize, some things need to be let go so we can grow and move on to bigger and better things.

  20. i am you, and you are me. be strong, girl.

  21. I've been with my first love for nearly 6 years now. I'm going through he same thing & have been for the last 6 months.. it's harder now that we live together. i hate the way that things have changed - now all we do is argue, disagree, say hurtful things & frustrate each other. why is it that something so wonderful and perfect can change so dramatically? why can't i let go & accept that things are not as they were? I convince myself to stay & try.. but i feel like i'm the only one with my heart in it. why do i do this to myself? despite everything - at the end of the day i love him. but i know it can't go on like this forever.


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