Wednesday, March 14, 2012
hope for friendship
ph: Hannah Davis
We speak every once in a while. Every two weeks or so I can expect a call from you, and its usually two or three weeks to the day that we last spoke. I'm not sure if that reflects on the kind of relationship we have. I would like to say the calls are always the same, but they're not. You've gradually become more affectionate and open, as where I want no part in that. I want it to stop, and more so need it to stop.
You ask if I still love you, if I think of you every day, if I'm seeing anyone, if I'm coming to visit and so on and so forth.
We met very randomly and instantly started up something. At first I had no interest, and you made it very clear that you did. I wanted to remain friends, but that changed pretty quick and I'm not sure how. It's safe to say you grew on me (that's an understatement).
I knew you weren't going to be here forever, or even close. I knew you were going to move back, and sooner than I thought and what you led me on to believe.
We were just friends, and then we had a fling, and then we were together, and then I got scared and we broke up, then we had a fling, and then we got back together, and then we fought, then broke up and then were together again without the actual label.
After a few months you somehow convince me to allow you into my home, I felt an instant regret when I said yes. Not because I didn't want to be able to wake up next to you every morning but because I knew how this was going to turn out. The most passionate and intense two months I have ever had and then just like that, it was swept from underneath me. Within two weeks you had bought a plane ticket and you were gone.
We never had the "talk" before you left. It was never clear what we were this time around. But it sure seemed exclusive before you got on that plane. Within the first two weeks of you being back in your home country I could feel you pulling away, and when I asked, your response would either be 1. I miss you so much or 2. Your constant partying with your friends makes me question this.
Then within a month of being a part of each other we were done. You decided that one morning after my night out with my girlfriends you were going to end it. And that you did. You said its best that we be just friends because this relationship is just going to end up hurting both of us. From then on you didn't speak to me for 2 months.
I don't think you understand, or ever will for that matter, what I went through in those 3 months. Losing someone your in love with to another continent, and that someone also happens to be your best friend, and then within a month of losing them, they drop you like a hot potato? I had no explanation for what happened, I couldn't really piece this puzzle together. How can someone I thought I knew so well just forget about me so quick? Was there someone else? Did he just fall out of love? Or was it actually because he was scared of getting hurt?
I don't think I'll truly know the answer, because the longer I know this person, the more skeletons I find in his closet and come to realize that I don't believe half the shit that he says. I've come to know him better as a person now that we're not together through how he treated me during this really painful experience and truths I've found out about him, than when we were together.
In my eyes, he is not the same person I met over a year ago, nor is he the same person I fell in love with. When I speak to him and see him (skype) I still see the same person, but I feel like I'm speaking to a stranger.
The one thing ( I don't want to call it a lesson) I was able to take from this: I'm an amazing, intelligent, beautiful, genuine, loving, kind-hearted woman, and although I definitely had my share of mistakes in this relationship, I did not deserve the abandonment and pain that could of been prevented with a little honestly and sensitivity on his behalf.
I don't think things with us will ever start up again, but I do believe that there is hope for friendship.