Tuesday, February 21, 2012

no "right" time

ph: Shelby Eaton

I'm in love with my best friend, and I have been for years.

It's not so much a realization as it is my total acceptance of it. I've always known I was in love with her, I just never really stopped to think about it. I couldn't, we're best friends. I wouldn't allow myself to become one of those cliché Facebook statuses I hate. You know the ones; a short story about a boy loving a girl and never telling her, watching her live her life and wishing he had the guts to tell her, all the way up until one of them is on their death bed. Of course, now I know that I always hated those because subconsciously I realized I was reading about myself.

As bad as it may sound, I've actually looked for flaws with her. Now, I'm a little bit of a pessimist (I call my self a realist, but let's be honest, it's not a huge leap from one to the other), so I'm particularly skilled at finding flaws. There is not a single thing about her I would ever consider changing in the slightest. She is literally the epitome of everything I've ever looked for in another human being. Feed the cliché.

I really realized I loved her when she started dating a guy we went to highschool with. He was the outgoing all star athlete with a chiseled jaw. Perfection. Women loved him, and men wanted to be him. I'm the type that will begin to dislike you for getting the girl I want, even if you aren't perfect. It never happened with him. Yes, I was crushed. Watching them love each other day after day was something I would typically not be able to handle in the least. This case was so unique in that I really only cared that she was happy, no matter how much it hurt me. They were going to get married and I was going to smile and clap and be truly happy for her, glad that she found her "one", even if it wasn't me. Feed the cliché.

In the meantime, I've had relationships here and there, all ending quite badly (I'm a professional at being used). She was always very supportive, "Don't worry, you're the kind of guy every girl wants to marry, you'll find her". Sure, heard that before. "No one takes the time to realize just how amazing you really are". Thanks, I'm sure that's the case. Over time I noticed how much I would subconsciously compare all these women to her. Not aesthetically, really, no one can ever match how unbelievably beautiful she is to me. They were all great for their own reasons, but they were never her. Feed the cliché.

Anyway, I suppose I'm rambling. Over the years, there have been hints back and forth that perhaps she liked me as well. It's been tough to read. At one point I was even quite convinced that she did, in fact, want to be with me. People would even point it out, how perfect we are and that we should date. All we would ever respond with was awkward giggling followed by relative silence, occasionally she'd mention she was dating the guy I mentioned before. Of course, I couldn't act while she was so happily taken, I'm just not the type. Not to mention I wouldn't know if maybe I was just reading too far into something because subconsciously that's what I wanted. Feed the cliché.

She's single now. They lived far away from each other and she couldn't handle it anymore. The perfect time for me to act, right? Not so much.

Thing is, I don't have many friends. It's not that people don't like me, it's just that everyone I knew moved away for college and we grew apart. There are four of us total, including myself. If I were to tell her how I felt and she respond in any way other than also secretly having feelings for me over the years, I would not only lose her but my friends as well. We hang out exclusively as a group. It's tough to explain, but it wouldn't be them being bad friends. I could hang out with one or the other now and then, but in general it would just tear the group asunder.

I can't keep quiet anymore, I've told a few third party people the situation. They all respond with "I could tell you love her, that's so cute, tell her". Everyone knows. I don't make it obvious, I've gone to quite some effort to make sure of that, but somehow everyone can still tell. Maybe it's the way I look at her, I don't know. If they know, she has to. If she knows, you think she'd make an effort to confirm any feelings she has. At the other end of the spectrum, maybe she has feelings and she's just as good as I feel like I am at masking it and she's just afraid she's wrong or what it would do to our group.

There's only one way to know. I'm at a loss, and I'm not sure how to handle it. I can't tell her, but I know I'll regret it if I don't tell her. As pathetic as it may sound, I've started carrying a to-do list every day; at the very top is "Tell [her name] I'm in love with her". Every day, it remains the only thing not crossed off. In the back of my mind, I take solace in knowing that if something were to happen to me, someone would find that and maybe then she would find out what I've been so aching to do.

She's currently single and, being as amazing as she is, will certainly find someone as soon as she's ready. It's not tough for her to meet people. Even if I were to tell her now, she's getting over a break up. There really is no "right" time to do it. The only way I won't be filled with regret, is if it turns out the way it would in a perfect world. The chances of that are obviously astronomically small.

If this seems forced, it's because it was. And I'm sure I've missed a lot. It's too long, probably the most clunky thing I have ever written, and I've hardly scratched the surface of the situation. I'm not even re-reading what I've just written. I just needed to let my thoughts spew out and put this somewhere, as it's been eating me alive more and more in the past weeks.

I ask myself every day why I don't tell her.
I'm just scared.


  1. "As pathetic as it may sound, I've started carrying a to-do list every day; at the very top is "Tell [her name] I'm in love with her". Every day, it remains the only thing not crossed off. In the back of my mind, I take solace in knowing that if something were to happen to me, someone would find that and maybe then she would find out what I've been so aching to do."

    This is beautiful! Tell her. I have to believe that if she's as wonderful as you say, she would not break your friendship heart.

  2. gosh, been here too many times. i feel for you... and hope that courage wins out over fear. good luck -- my dad used to always say, you don't ask, you don't get. it's a pretty good saying. even better? you can't ever fall in love if you're too afraid to jump.

    my blog: asmallpieceofgodsplan.blogspot.com

  3. Dude! Tell Her!!!!

  4. You know what everyone on here going to say and you know what you have to do. So go ahead and do it.

  5. It's better to know and be disappointed than to never know and always wonder.

  6. The fact that you're afraid shows how much this means. Because if it didn't matter you could just ignore it, but (cliche, cliche) you can't ignore love. Because seriously man, what else are we here for? This girl is worth losing everything for, because if you never tell her you will just have that shitty happy medium where you are never really happy, and that isn't what life is. Life isn't a happy medium, life is beautiful and chaotic and messed up and scary. So go on and let it unfold. No regrets.

  7. do it. you'll never know if you don't and you'll always be asking yourself "what if?"

  8. "True love isn't easy, but it must be fought for, because once you find it, it can never be replaced."
    <3 go get her

  9. When you're at the point where you're not just paranoid about how you think of her, but you're also thinking about how SHE hypothetically thinks about you in your own views, and even to the point where you're making excuses saying how if she liked you back she would tell you.. —I've gotta say: you don't really have a choice, do you?

    There is no right time so right now IS a good time. For better or worse, at least you will have this off your shoulders for the rest of your life.

    Besides, she's contemplating over her recent break up, and that's exactly the time she'll need comfort from someone who knows her well. You fit the picture, and everything fits perfectly, but you just have to make up your mind!

    Best of wishes! :p

  10. You'll never know till you try and you only live once! Be a man, do the right thing! haha You GOT to tell her!! ((: ALL THE BEST!

  11. Tell her,or you must be regret in the future.

  12. Please tell her how you feel! I understand that she just went through a break up, and break ups are rough. But if she is lucky enough to have a boy like you in her life, it won't take much for her to realize that everything she needed was right under her nose the whole time. And if for some crazy reason she doesn't feel the same way, I can't imagine she'd turn on you if she's half as amazing as you say she is. Take the leap. You'll regret it if you don't. :)

  13. Speaking as a girl, I don't think you should tell her, yet. Until she's done grieving over the break up. When she's finally over it, you should be standing right there confessing how you feel!

  14. This is a tough one. On one hand you have the fact that she's trying to get over a break up. On the other hand there is no right time, NOW is right.
    My first response was "Go tell her!" but then I read to comments and thought about the breaking-up part.
    I still think you should tell her though.. just don't know if she's far enough moved on with the other guy.

  15. Just tell her! I'm in-love with my bestfriend, too and I'm really lucky that we love each other and that I found my soulmate. Best of luck! :)

  16. Oh, just tell her or you will regret so much. I didn't tell one guy and now I don't get to see him (he was my teacher, only 5 years older though) and I have been asking myself ''What if'' since the last meeting which was 9 months ago.
    So tell her, what is worse? To have your heart broken and soon moving on (time does heal), or to wonder ''what if'' for the rest of your life?

  17. Better late than ever!
    Tell her!!!!
    She may feel the same too and if not you win too because you took off that burden and dealed with your fear.
    That reminds me of the movie "Something Borrowed" it has many similarities with the situation you're dealing.

    Time flies and we shouldn't waste it.

    Take the risk!

    Hope everything goes well. I think that when you tell her you'll realise that it wasn't so difficult.

    As for the group of friends don't forget to live your life for you, if you always please the others you harm yourself.

    Hope I motivated you to make a move.

    Please do it! And let us know how things turned out!

    (sorry for any mistakes I'm from Europe)

  18. Show her this entry.

  19. Tell her! :) If you don't dare to say it face to face - send her a link to this blogg!! :)

  20. Tell her..life is too short...Enjoy the moment with her while it last...and to do that, you have to tell her! I'm with you in telling her...

  21. You should tell her!! Because even if she doesn't like you back, at least you will know it was not meant to be, and you will get over her without question ourself "if only I had told her... maybe it could have worked"! really, I've been to a similar situation, and I don't regret telling the person...

    Good luck :)

  22. Whats the big deal about telling her? a no is always better than a lifetime of hopeless hope of nothing.
    LOVE Maria at inredningsvis.se

  23. You write so beautiful and I can tell its from the heart.
    But you should tell her, because like you wrote, you will regrett it otherwise.
    A good friend of mine once told me "you rarely regrett the things you have done, but always the things you haven´t."

    And I think thats true.
    You have been incredily patient but I think its time now to let her know :).

    And oh.. I usually dont write a comment at blogs or whatever, but you story really touched me.
    Simply beautiful.

  24. I know the feeling, I truly do. But I'm the one who never dared to jump, I'm a girl and my only excuse has been that I want the boy to show me any sign of interest. I've just recently decided to go for it, whatever it is, just jump. Don't think. Please do it for me and for you and for her. Show me that there's still hope out there, but mostly, show yourself there's still hope!

  25. TELL HER!!! you will regret it. what is this life without taking the leap?

  26. I hope that, when you finally find the courage to tell her, she'll give you the answer/respond you're wishing for.
    And if she doesn't, just know that you will survive that too.

  27. Every minute you're afraid is wasted time. Think about all you can have when you would tell her - maybe it helps taking your chances.

    Of course the break up thing sucks because it makes NOW untimely at its best, but just like you wrote ... probably the next guy is already waiting around the corner.

    And let's be honest: you won't go to her and just say: hi, i love you, kthxbye - but most likely will explain the whole story and the reasons for you waiting so long and for telling her now.

    And if she love you - even just as a friend - she wont leave you or hate you or anything of that sorts. Just imagine the picture the other way around: it's always a wonderful thing to hear someone loves you (even when you don't fell the same - WHICH IS STILL NOT SAID!)

    I wish you all the best!

  28. do not tell her... at least, not yet. I am right now in the same situation (except for the group issue, we share a bigger group and maybe it wouldn't be so harmful). I was reading it and thinking "Men! I could have wrote each of this paragraphs!!!"

    Everybody (Hollywood, videoclips, books,...) tells me the same useless advice. I have ever tough one should feels comfortable when he does anything. Maybe that fear comes from the insufficient amount of certainties. I understand that fear is different of making the step in bungee jumping. Here if it fails you survive and have to deal the wounds.

    In sum, do not tell her, not yet. In my case I am waiting for it like rain, someday it will unexpectedly happen.

    In the other hand, men! for god shake! TELL her!!! Why to wait? I doesn't have to unavoidably make an irretrievable damage. Ask your shelf, and if it works? You TWO are wasting time you could be expending being extremely happy. Increasing the love you are sharing. Not just dimensionally, also getting it bigger(huge) in a new beautiful and (never before) felt manner. (sincerely, I think I just wrote this second view because I want you to try xD I'm burning in despair, I need a model to follow)

    PD: sorry for the huge Essay, but I think complex situations justifies complex answers. And sorry for my English.

    Anyway, and if it works?

  29. "If this seems forced, it's because it was. And I'm sure I've missed a lot. It's too long, probably the most clunky thing I have ever written, and I've hardly scratched the surface of the situation. I'm not even re-reading what I've just written."

    I'm so glad you didn't.

    I'm one of those in love with a best friend, too. Of course our situations are different, but I found a lot of similarities between our stories.

    It's true. There is no "right" time. I think the only right time is either now or never. I don't like the word "never," but "now" is terrifying, too.

    It's precarious to be sure, but those moments when I tell him I love him are some of the best in my life. I think you owe yourself that, no matter what happens on the other end. It's selfish, I know, but if loving someone else didn't make us feel so good after having shown that love, why would we keep on doing it?

  30. Someone else up there said to show her this entry... Do it! She clearly means more than the world to you, and with the way yiu've described her, I think if you showed her this, she would swoon! This is such a precious entry.. Why can't we have more men like you? Best of luck :D

  31. i'm on the other end of this situation. only he never told me and now i'm married and will always wonder what if. we're still best friends but i think we will always wish that we could be more. but our day never came. but yours could. it takes courage to love. if you really love her, muster the courage. good luck.

  32. ...im completely confused right now..do you fall in love with your bestfriend, which is..she's a girl? i thought you're girl . jeezzz...kindly advice..

    aside to your entry, i do think that you shud tell her about your inner feeling..there is nothing that we can predict in future, if that person is yours, she/he will be forever yours, why wasting more time if you can spend it more if you take a next step earlier? lol. I am also really fall in love with my bestfriend which is, she is d wonderful girl I ever met, she is rely sweet, she is caring, cute , kind and innocent lil girl. I was just want her..Im yearning for her smile. I really do love her, and i tell her, she is mine now. :)

  33. I was the girl...so of course I'm going toto say tell her. It will in fact change your life forever...maybe things won't change right away, but if you never try...you'll never know

  34. Tell her! Tell her! And to be honest, I think certain things we think are cliché have gone so far past being cliché's that they are no longer. Plus, in my books, love has never been a cliché. <3

  35. When my best-friend told me how he felt I sat there for 15 minutes in shock. How had I never seen what had been in front of me for so long? He is now not only the person I call when shit is blue, but can make me smile more than I ever have, because he knows me so well and I can trust him.

    There is a lot to lose, but it is so worth it.

  36. Yes, I was crushed. Watching them love each other day after day was something
    I would typically not be able to handle in the least. This case was so unique in that I really only cared that she was happy,
    no matter how much it hurt me.They were going to get married and I was going to smile and clap and be truly happy for her,
    glad that she found her "one", even if it wasn't me

    -o my gosh.. this must be so hard for you... well anyways, they already split up, what are you waiting for, go for it!!! don't let her be stolen away by some other guy again,... that way you'll really loose her,..act like a man.

  37. Tell her!hearing the honest truth will probably be what she has wanted to hear all along.im glad you decided to write this down as i found it so honest and raw it was heartwarming.i hope you finally get the girl :)

  38. You should tell her. Your heart wants to, it's only your head that is stopping you. Follow your heart, it's the only thing you need to do...the rest will fall into place as it should.

    Take Care

  39. Hi there, you should tell her, at least she will know! I am in the same exact scenario, but in my case i am the girl that is caught in between... I love my best friend but I love my boyfriend too. But if I'd know that my best friend is in love with me... then I will probably tell him, we are right, but the timing is not. Knowing that you are her best friend, you two can not be separated, she will always love you! And if you really love her, you will wait...


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