Friday, February 17, 2012
i still have him
He's sitting here right next to me. So close, our shoulders are touching. And even though he's only a few inches away, listening to his iPod and humming, I miss him already.
Next year he won't be here. He'll be across the country, living his life. He tells me that I am his life, but I know I have to let him go. He has so much potential, so many talents. I know his name will be known by everyone someday. Yet he says he wants to stay. But I know that in only a couple of months, he'll be going off to his dream school and starting his career. And I'll be left here, because I still have so much left to do. Three more years of school before I can move on. I'll be here, wondering. What am I going to do without him? What do I do now?
I'm resting my head on his shoulder right now. And he's completely oblivious to everything going on around him. He says he loves only three things in life: music, track, and me. And when he listens to music he gets completely lost in it. I love that look he gets on his face when he gets so absorbed in it.
Next year I won't see it. I won't see his smile every morning. I won't be able to hold his hand every afternoon, or lay my head on his chest each night. And I won't be able to hear his beautiful voice sing those songs to me. Or see those perfect eyes stare into mine. Those are the small things that made my day. How will I live without them?
But only a few minutes ago, when he turned to me, looked deep into my eyes, and told me he loved me, I realized something. I still have him. If it is only for a few more months, weeks, days, hours, even minutes, I still have him here. Right next to me. And I will live each second like it is the last. Because I love him and I cannot keep thinking about the part where I lose him. That time hasn't come yet. I have to live in the present, and in the present, he is still mine. He is still here, and he is not going anywhere.
Each moment must be cherished. It must be filled up to the brim with loving words and hugs and kisses and everything. Anything. They must all be used up until they are completely over. I need to remember everything I do with him, because before I know it, he'll be gone. And all I will have are the memories. And I want to have good memories. Memories I can look back on and say "I'm so glad we had that. I'm so glad I knew him. I'm so glad we got to spend time together".
He is mine for now. He is mine now. He is mine, I still have him. And that is all that matters at this very second. That is all that will ever matter.