Saturday, January 28, 2012

no power like that of first love


ph: M. Klasan

D-

There’s no power like that of first love. Before it happens, your heart is a blank canvas, an unwritten story. That’s what I was until I met you.

You rattled parts of me that I didn’t even know existed. You showed me a kind of happiness that I had no idea I was capable of feeling. You made me feel wanted, you made me feel needed. You taught me so much, and you exploded my world. A few months of walking on sunshine like that and nothing will ever look the same to me again.

Now it's over, and I'm halfway across the world. My canvas is a mess, splattered with wild blotches of colour, barely any bits of white left. My pages are overflowing with words strung together into sentences, stained with ink blotches, creased and torn. Scrubbing may free up some space but it will never get rid of the traces. Every other mark made for the rest of my life will be compared to and intertwined with the ones left by you.

It doesn’t help when I think about the ways you hurt me. It doesn’t matter when I remember how I gave so much more than you ever did. I’m indifferent to how many times people tell me I deserve better. My brain and my heart still disagree. I can’t just go back to the time before I knew the warmth and comfort of your arms, your brown eyes that can melt glaciers, your silent chuckle, and your beating heart, with its stupid leaking bicuspid valve that forced you to stop playing soccer.

Nothing will ever match how safe I felt belonging to you, because only in the aftermath do I now understand that I’m not safe belonging to anybody. Love takes courage. You are forced to become vulnerable, to face and surrender the most fragile parts of yourself. It’s impossible to do it with the same naïve, reckless abandon the second or third time around.

I don't know what this summer will bring, but all I can hope for is the strength to deal with it when the time comes. There’s no power like that of first love. I may not have been yours, but you were mine, and for that I know that I will always, always love you.


- A

23 comments:

  1. I can't go back to the time before I had my first love, and I don't want to either. I've learned and grown so much from when I first fell in love with him. No matter what happens, a part of me will always love him.
    I'm still learning to be brave so that I may experience love again.

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  2. this is absolutely true. while i do not in any way want to be reconnected and reunited with the first girl i loved (ended badly) every person that you end up dating leaves a piece of them with you. those marks are never erased, but i think that's part of learning and growing up. it's really important to learn new things, change to avoid the mistakes you made, and enjoy life. hard to do that if we don't take some leaps in life, though, hence relationships

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  3. this is beautiful, and perfectly worded.

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  4. Good luck to the author. Heartbreak like that is so hard.

    Cheers to new beginnings,
    Savannah
    http://www.everybodysbuyingvintage.blogspot.com

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  5. Something like this happened to me... only I didn't really dating the guy. But now he's gone and I can' forget him. I don't even know whether he loved me or not. The more I think about it, the more I think it was just an illusion.

    But you have to move on, there are lots of worse things that could happen. I know it hurts so badly, but you have to forget him and go on. Enjoy your life, make new friends and soon will be better. You will be surprised how much we humans can handle...

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  6. such an emotional story. thanks for sharing. after kissing over 40 guys and sleeping with 7 of them, i'm still at that blank stage.

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  7. dear A, everybody goes through that phase & true that first love leaves an imprint on ur heart but never lose faith on life. Trust me, there are billions outher who will brighten ur life just like 4th of july :)
    So many fish in sea and u will find ur nemo sooner or later...
    love from INDIA

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  8. Beautiful. and so true.

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  9. Yes, the post is absolutely true. But buddy, I would love to read something different from you. You write well.. ever thought of describing love in a different way?
    I'd like to read it! :)

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  10. Falling in love will be one of the best things to ever happen to you but so is recovering from that loss. You learn so much about yourself and you grow tremendously in ways you would never expect.... I'm thankful for having loved & lost. It was an amazing and beautiful yet destructive experience but you chose how to rebuild yourself afterwards and you can either build an entire city loving yourself and being happy or forever live in the ruble. It doesn't mean you stop loving them, forget them, or stop caring - I was so afraid of losing all the memories but you can hold onto those thoughts and still move on using them as peaceful reminders that it will happen again! Maybe not with the same person, but you will be loved in all ways you deserve and you will find that special someone just for you.

    xoxo
    I wish you all the best healing <3

    Thank you A, for being an incredible first.

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  11. My feelings, story. Things can't go on like they did before, that's... kind of naturally CLEAR; and.: we gonna be ok. We gonna be ok, after all.
    Best wishes to you
    remember: things seem unfair, very unfair. and maybe they are. but we don't know for sure.

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  12. I love this post, I understand completely what u are talking about. I'm in the same situation, I hate myself for letting myself get hurt and now I'm the one hurt and perfectic. He didn't care about me either, still in love with his ex when I was in love with him! You are not alone, I'm enjoying being me again. I'm a stronger person & I will fall in love again- the hurt is worth the risk! Xxx

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  13. ..just hold'eying..

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  14. i can never get back my first love. i can never feel again that feeling that sends me dreaming about the everything and the sensation i feel whenever i see him.

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  16. this is so true.. everything about the first is just DIFFERENT,.. your first touch, first kiss, first love,!! it feels so high!! there are emotions inside you that seems so new and addictive! yet when it ended, everything seems so gloomy, and sad!! there is an urge inside us wanting to feel the same feeling again.. :)

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  17. this is so true.. everything about the first is just DIFFERENT,.. your first touch, first kiss, first love,!! it feels so high!! there are emotions inside you that seems so new and addictive! yet when it ended, everything seems so gloomy, and sad!! there is an urge inside us wanting to feel the same feeling again.. :)

    ReplyDelete
  18. Yes, the post is absolutely true. But buddy, I would love to read something different from you. You write well.. ever thought of describing love in a different way?
    I'd like to read it! :)
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    ReplyDelete
  19. I feel that I wasted the better me on my first love. After reading your post, I now realize that what I wasted or rather, lost, was my ability to become vulnerable and give myself fully to another. Although he proved to be unworthy, he still holds a special place in my heart. I hope one day, another will help me let caution to the wind and fill the void he has left behind.

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  20. Married to another for 25 years. Someone I do love dearly. Yet I cannot shake the connection to my first love. Saw her once 12 years into my marriage and everything shattered with a look of recognition. Happened again just recently...this is tearing me apart.

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  21. It is very painfull. Hope you will get your best buddy again and he will not leave you alone. Just Smile always :-) :-)
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    ReplyDelete

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