Sunday, January 22, 2012
maybe. maybe never.
We met by accident but fell in love on purpose. We were each other's first, and we've been through it all. Three break ups and reconciliations later, here we are. We haven't seen each other since the summer but text occasionally. It's like we are too afraid to see each other, in fear of falling for each other once again and started another disaster.
We've both been with people since, but we haven't fallen again. I asked you once if we couldn't walk away from each other because we're not over or because we were each other's first, to which you replied "both". You'll always have part of my heart but right now I need to walk away. 2012 isn't about a new chapter, but rather writing a new book.
I can't keep guilting myself because of what has happened since we were us...especially that thing that happened without my consent. I'll never know the real reason why you said the things you did, but you did. I didn't wish you a happy new year, because it is unfair to me to talk to you knowing that it would be the first and last text of the year. I don't know what lies ahead for me, but I know it isn't you.
I don't believe that everything happens for a reason or what is meant to be will be. But I have faith in myself, and in my soul, that things will work out in the end. However, I do admit, that sometimes I wish that things had worked out, and that I hadn't slowly fall out of love with you. If I had been with you, then he wouldn't of taken advantage of me and did what he did. Sometimes I wonder if that's why you opted out of my life.
I'll never know how you feel, or if you still think about me. I don't know if the things you once said is still felt today but what I do know is that I can't keep doing this to myself.
You were my first love, and will never be forgotten but right now I need to put everything down and walk away. It hurts too much to try to put everything back together.
Maybe it'll be a month, a year, a decade that we'll see each other again...or maybe never. But right now, I need to focus on me and rediscovering who I am again.
I'm sorry for those tears you shed, and I'm sorry for hurting you but I need to stop punishing myself.