Tuesday, December 6, 2011

"us"

us everything i could never tell you love quote love image love photo, http://weheartit.com/entry/19452456
ph: weheartit

I have a need. A need to write it down, to get my feelings on this paper so I have something that I can hold on to. Because I am confused, so very confused, wandering around a dark room not knowing why or how I ended up in it. Like a cliché. So many stories that I read are applicable to mine, but still I feel a need to write my own story down, a substitute is just not good enough.

How can you not see what everyone else is seeing?

How can you not feel anything?

How can you not care?

My friends and our mutual class mates ask me why we aren’t seeing each other, why we haven’t become a “we” – just you and me. Every time I lie and tell them there’s nothing, tell them they see something that doesn’t exist. But every time I do that, a small part of my heart burns away with an ache so deep I don’t know how to get by. You started out trying to be my friend and we were pretty good at it, those were our glory days. It’s sad, because I truly believe that we could be something more. I’m just not sure you see it, because you don’t seem to care or even give it the slightest thought. Even though your best friend came to me and told me that he had asked you why you didn’t just walk up to me and made us an “us” - just you and me. You’re not bothered by the fact that everyone around us gives us looks, you can’t even talk with me about it. I can’t talk to you about it. I’m too scared, I’m so very frightened that it would make you disappear completely out of my life. I don’t want that. I’d rather be your friend and have you around, hear your voice, see you act up. But every time I find out that you’ve been texting with someone else or if some other girl comes up to you and you’re joking and laughing, this black, huge monster wakes up inside me. I can’t bare it, I can’t handle it. I wish so bad that you could see what everyone else is seeing, be a man about it and confront me, grow up. I’m afraid my heart will shatter if this monster has to wake up too often, I’m also afraid my heart will shatter if you don’t talk to me at all. But for now, it seems to me, that’s the best solution. I’ll stay out of your way, try to keep my distance and maybe my monster will go to rest. All I have to care about after that is to recover from not being with you at all. I’ll collect the pieces of my heart and try to glue it together again.

Although still praying, hoping, for a miracle. For me to be brave, or you to take in the obvious.

They say the last thing that leaves a human being is hope. For good and bad.

~E

24 comments:

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  2. Go for it, tell him how you feel! It might go straight to hell, but there's also the 50/50-chance that it could work out great. Take that chance!
    Your heart will be shattered anyway, staying out of his way will not help you very much and it will hurt even more when you lose him to someone else. It doesn't have to be a big speech, just a "I love you, I want there to be an 'us'", and if he says no, you totally deserve someone better that understands to appreciate you for who you are.

    Sorry for sounding a bit bossy and disgustingly positive, but I really, really hope you'll take the chance! If you need to talk about it, just write me. I know, I know, it's kinda weird to talk to a stranger about it but sometimes that might help.

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  3. Perfect as to what Linda said. Give it a go. Either this way or the other. You can't just keep on waiting for him to make an approach. Get him before anyone else does.

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  4. Wow... I'm in the exact same position, except I've really been trying to make several moves but only with results for not more than one night, and then nothing. So I can understand you fully... how can he not see it?

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  5. this might be over the top, but dont hold out for someone who isn't giving you the attention you need.

    There was a post a few days ago that said "maybe liking you the way i do, is making me miss out on someone else!" or something like that.

    Life is way to short dont WAIT.

    Either just tell him, or don't! But whatever you do...just make sure you treat yourself right!

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  6. I was in a similar situation with my best friend, everyone said it was obvious and that him and I...well there was more to it than just friends and we should be so much more. eventually I couldn't take it anymore, so I told him how I felt, I told him I was in love with him. I figured if he would either turn around and say he cared also or would at least be understanding as he was my friend.
    I came to the conclusion if he made me feel bad about it and the such if it changed things then he wasn't the friend I'd hope he was.
    I told him and it turned out he didn't feel the same and it was just all in my head and apparently everyone elses and we where just really good friends. He was very understanding and it hasn't changed anything between us, I felt a lot better for getting it off my chest and took some time away from seeing him and talking to him lots to just aid my moving on. but our friendship is as strong as ever and I think i'd still be twisting and turning, torn up inside if i hadn't told him, wondering why? and what if? constantly.

    Have you ever thought that maybe the same thoughts are going round his head? Maybe he is afraid to. Just because he is the guy doesn't mean he has to make the move. Take a chance, all you have to gain is a peace of mind.

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  8. This is really written good.
    I have the same feeling...

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  9. I once wrote a letter like, that but she never gave me the time of day after...

    http://freeluckyeasy.blogspot.com/

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  10. I was in this EXACT situation when I was in Paris.. to the extent that even a stranger on the bus asked me if he was my boyfriend? ... It was ridiculous. I believed in all my heart that we should be together and that we would be amazing together, made for each other... and as much as I wanted HIM to be the man, to just KISS me and do something... at the same time, I was SO afraid to do anything because of what it COULD have been. There were ample opportunities for me to make a move and I never did. He talked a lot.. and to be honest, I talked with everyone else.. and when I did tell him how I felt, I wrote it to him in a letter. What ended up happening was a huge backlash/him being a huge ashole.. then me getting REALLY mad a telling him off and our friendship being over. The thing is, I was leaving Paris and there was no way I could end it like that, so I sent him a message saying that I wanted to be friends again, because I cared about him so much that if I could not have him as more in my life, I wanted him as a friend. He really made Paris what it was and I miss him terribly. However, again when back home, I sent him an email writing all my feelings, how I think we are still meant to be together and what I came to realise was that instead of all those times thinking of what SHOULD happen, what I wanted HIM to do, the whole experience with him was perfect how it was. If anything I should have just tried to enjoy it even MORE in the moment, second to second. The thing is, even if we have an ocean between us, if we are meant to be, we will be. Sometimes it could just be a matter of timing, a matter of fear, a matter of no courage. Though I do not regret NOT making a move (if it was supposed to happen it would have)... I tell myself that if I do see him again, that if I still want to do something, I will. Or who knows, maybe next time he will?
    On verra...

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  11. I agree in that you have to tell him how you feel, because the monster that you speak of will never go away,trust me. He may hide in the closet for a while but he'll come back to scare you soon enough... so you have to just go for it, don't hold back, no regrets. You never know what could happen... but the worst part would be to not say anything and always wonder what COULD have happened. Just think of things in that perspective...and good luck :)

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  12. i can relate to every bit of that (: except the monster. i do have my own monster but it's provoked by different reasons.

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  13. Wow, it's like reading my own story. I don't really have any advice, as I was too much of a coward to tell him anything. Now we are still friends, I live in another country and only see him a few times a year. But still, I care for him. The situation is of course completely different, and new factors plays a big part. I now know that there is no chance that we'll ever be together, and I didn't even have to ask him about it. And now I have kind of moved on, after years of debating the same things you do.

    But if I were you (or even me back then) I think I would advice you to take the chance, but take it slow. Show him and tell him what you want.

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  14. i literally fell in love with my ex the first day i met him and we eventually became best friends. a few years passed, i took the chance and told him how i felt and he said he didnt feel the same way. i gave him a little space and then eventually things went back to normal. few months after he admits to liking me and we were together ever since then for a couple more years. it was the best thing to ever happen to me! take the chance! it could turn out to be something beautiful and life changing and if it doesnt result in the way you want it to you can at least put ur heart to rest and move on knowing you gave it ur all. <3

    xox

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  15. I know EXACTLY how you feel. Yearning for answer and yet so terribly scared if the answer was not what I had hoped for and I'll lose him. In the end,

    I let go.

    I figured even after 3 damn years, if he was still not able to 'see' me or too scared to man up, he was not worth it.

    So I cut the chains that has been crippling me all this while and now?

    I. am. free.

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  16. OMG - I love this. Especially the way you described - "this black, huge monster wakes up inside me" - that's EXACTLY how it feels.

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  17. u must tell him everything its for sure. dont be afraid, its better than regret later u didnt do everything u could. i wish he could think deeply after it and look at ur with different eyes. anyway, even if he says no, its better, than to live that "hell". be brave and talk with him. i keep my fingers crossed for u :) good luck

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  18. You could end up with a happy endding. I did with my best friend. I wouldn't risk our great friendship, so I kept quit. But one night in december while we were watching a movie, we ended up close, face to face - and he kissed me. It's all very new, but I love beeing with him and everything reminds me of him.. Sometimes things just fall into place. I would ask him, if he have ever thought of you as more than friends. Life is long and straight without unexpected roads

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  19. I know exactly how you feel. It can hurt and eat your inside until you've got nothing left, and that's just on any given day. For every time that you think you're going to get closer there are days immediately after that seem like you're getting farther and farther from what you want. I would say if he doesn't see the hint, then try something else, maybe go with someone you never thought of being with or look around and see all the opportunities you may be missing. You will find that no matter how things shake out he will never be far from your heart and that is not a bad thing at all. Just don't get caught up on trying to catch that one fish when you've got others jumping into the boat.

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  20. I can relate on this. I feel jealous every time i saw him texting whenever we're together, and i know i have no right to feel jealous. But I prefer to be friends than lover:)

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  21. knowing that heis in unofficially yours is a great hearth ache. there are moments when you feel that you are close, there are times when you feel that you are so close and then all of a sudden, he/she will make you feel that you are just a stranger. :(

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  22. When you meet anyone, remember it's a holy encounter. As you treat them you will treat yourself. As you think of them, you think of yourself. Never forget this, for in them you will find yourself or lose yourself. never let things go this way,. or you'll end up getting hurt in the end. that way, you'll loose in this big game of love.

    ReplyDelete
  23. When you meet anyone, remember it's a holy encounter. As you treat them you will treat yourself. As you think of them, you think of yourself. Never forget this, for in them you will find yourself or lose yourself. never let things go this way,. or you'll end up getting hurt in the end. that way, you'll loose in this big game of love.

    ReplyDelete

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