Tuesday, December 27, 2011

i don’t know how much longer

i don't know how much longer love photo love image nicole loher, http://www.google.com/imgres?um=1&hl=en&client=firefox-a&sa=N&rls=org.mozilla:en-US:official&biw=1484&bih=797&tbm=isch&tbnid=13fc9fbTx-47vM:&imgrefurl=http://www.tenderomi.com/page/80/%3FajaxCalendar%3D1%26month%3D9%26long_events%3D1&docid=0MAHBJA6rETquM&itg=1&imgurl=http://www.tenderomi.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/12/6583998279_0d7ff34466_o.jpg&w=450&h=298&ei=LFbjT4r4HImS0QGkuMnBAw&zoom=1&iact=hc&vpx=179&vpy=155&dur=5540&hovh=183&hovw=276&tx=118&ty=63&sig=110425387096595155064&page=1&tbnh=138&tbnw=184&start=0&ndsp=29&ved=1t:429,r:0,s:0,i:74
ph: Nicole Loher

I love because of you, I hurt because of you.

I want to sit in front of you and open myself up like an over read book. I want to be able to be honest with you and tell you everything that’s been steeping in my head, and in my heart for too long. But I can’t. I’m too afraid to get hurt, to discover the truth – the truth that probably differs from my own. So instead, I’ll sit down and spell out the words and feelings I’m too afraid to look you in the eyes and say.

We had an innocent chance encounter meeting. Nothing special, nothing too note worthy. Our friendly acquaintance banter soon turned into more and at one point I knew I had not only formed a new friendship but one worth enhancing. I don’t know what it was that tipped me off, but there was something – you were something. I wanted to know more about you, discover who you really were and become close with all that was you. It was easier for me to disguise my feelings at first because you were taken. You were with someone else and I knew the boundaries existed. I was not bothered, nor fazed. I had found myself in similar positions beforehand. You were someone else’s and I happily accepted this, I did. If anything, I was just happy to have you by my side as a friend.

Then one day, it was over. You had ended the relationship and you were available again. I had mixed emotions at first: I didn’t want to encroach on your newly single self, your confused mind and your vulnerable state. It wouldn’t be fair. You needed time and space and more importantly a dear friend to turn to, to rely on. I became that dear friend for you. I was more than happy to be her. I wanted to be the ears to your illogical words, the cushion for your irrational thoughts, the reassurance to your questionable doubts. I became all of the above and more – we became each other’s confidant, each other’s go-to, each others emergency call no matter the time of day. In no time we had become each other’s best friends in a new city where we were both strangers only a few months beforehand. Nothing seemed impossible now that I had you by my side. But somehow, even with all this, I wanted more. I wanted you but more than what I already had of you. I wanted our endearing friendship to grow into something else, to be something so much greater than what it already was. I wanted to be that girl that made you look back; that girl that made your heart skip an extra beat; that girl that you held a gaze with for a few seconds longer; that girl you would talk about long after she was gone. I wanted to be your girl but somehow couldn’t find a way to be. Instead, I sat back and listened to you talk about other girls. You would ask my opinion and I would muster up the courage to mask my true feelings and smile while I delivered the lines you wanted to hear. My face wore the brave mask so easily – too easily – while in fact my heart was painted with the true emotions of my yearning.

I tried to push aside all these feelings; tried to trick myself into thinking I was chasing after something that wasn’t worth the hunt. I kept telling myself it would be foolish of me to jeopardize the wonderful friendship we had formed in such a short span of time. I tried to ignore all the little things that made me fall for you in the first place, but in doing so I only grew fonder of you. I kept feeding nutrients to the starving feelings of desire.

And that’s where I still find myself – at a loss. I no longer know what to do, or how to go on. I’m too afraid to tell you with the risk of losing you, and I’m too afraid to let these feelings linger on. Regardless of the decision, I have a sense I will only hurt myself. I don’t know how much longer I can be with you without being with you. I don’t know how much longer I can go on sharing fun filled moments, endless laughter, and standstill time with you. I don’t know how much longer I can bear to look you in the eyes without reaching out to touch your lips; hug you without holding onto you for a little while longer; wake up next to you in bed without cuddling up to your welcoming side. I don’t know how much longer I can go on without me being your girl, you being my guy and us being that couple. I don’t know how much longer I can go on hiding these true feelings from you, remaining dishonest to your always-honest self. I don’t know how much longer I can go on crying true tears to an unknown audience. I don’t know how much longer I can keep on hurting when you have no idea of the pain I’m suffering.

So for now I'll continue to sit back, all the while paying the prices for falling in love with you, my best friend…

17 comments:

  1. heartbreaking.. ♥

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  2. Beautifully written. I believe that in the end it's always best to tell. I know it might be really difficult.. and seem like the wrong decision because you don't want to loose a friend. But as you wrote... You can't bare to continue as it is now.. so a change must be made..

    and of course, it's up to you what kind of a change you choose to make, but I'd say that why not tell him? You might regret it later. and If you guys truly are friends... he wont want to loose your friendship eather..

    All the best and good luck!!!!!

    E

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  3. "Why do we wait until it is too late? Why do we let someone else have what we were too scared to reach out and take?" By that I mean: TELL HIM! It's now or never.

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  4. My scentiments are similar. I want to get closer but I'm afraid of disappointing someone. My irrational fears, her fears are probably unfounded. I don't want to be paralyzed with fear of the unknown but instead, embrace the adventure, differences and discoveries. Learning to accept each other's strengths and perceived weaknesses brings more intimacy.

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  5. Ive been stifling my feelings for someone for the past 10 months. We've had a co-dependent emotional relationship which seems a lot like yours. I finally told him everything last week and it will make us stronger. There are things to work out but we will be okay. And you will be too. Tell him how you feel.

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  6. Wow, you write so good and you have so many words to express yourself with. That's so cool!

    //Klara
    http://nordutavrank7.blogspot.com/

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  7. nice idea, thanks for sharing...

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  8. Sometimes, there is no need to spill the contents of our hearts to someone with whom we have fallen in love. We need only reveal to them one little spark of the passions that lie inside us. When someone whose heart is open to our love sees that spark, they will notice it and stoke that spark into a full blaze...

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  9. wonderful words, i easily identify in your words.
    but please accept a suggestion from somebody who was stuck in the same situation for years: take your hands and hold your courage, hold your heart and show it to him, don't wait longer. stop suffering because of your own paranoias and shyness.

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  10. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MnNZNfixTOw

    This is a German song that describes this situation sooo well.

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  11. I know you tried to make this eloquent and very 'ah, tortured love'-like, but honestly.. stop being a pussy and stop wasting your life. Just fucking say something!

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  12. I have been there. Tell him. I did. I told him and he did not feel the same. But I told him and that was the bravest thing I have ever done. I told him and after that, our friendship grew stronger than ever. I have cried a lot afterwards, but believe me - it's worth it. Lots of love and good luck.

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  13. Tell him indeed girl! I know many people who like each other and don't tell, because they don't want to ruin the friendship. That's what friendship is all about anyways, telling the other person how you feel so they can help you. You can have a great relationship if you chase it, and it does take some courage but you won't regret it! :)

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  14. This has put everything I'm feeling and have been experiencing for the past few years down into words that I could never find. The thought of 'what if' is forever lingering on my mind and the closer we became the harder it was for me to tell him. We've been best friends for 3 years now and I still can't tell him how I really feel....no matter how much I want to, the words just never come out.

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  15. Don't tell him. If you feel you can't it's because you know he doesn't feel the same and the only reason you're debating is because everyone has hope for love, even when we shouldn't. I did. We were together for a year and now we broke up because he doesn't love me the way I love him. although he tried and I tried too you can't make someone love you.

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