Thursday, October 20, 2011

never going to go away

Since You've Been Gone
ph: brian oldham

It doesn't feel weird to wake up without you anymore. Sometimes I feel terrible, sometimes fantastic, but it doesn't depend on you anymore. I can take as much time as I want in the morning - I can choose to get dressed as fast or slow as I want to and I can run out the door without having to pull you with me. My glass of water is mine only and is not emptied by somebody else.

But as you can see, I think about you.

But still… not.

I think about the person you were when I still had the energy to love you and you still hadn't crushed us. You were so damn egoistic when you treated yourself like shit. You never understood that we were bound together in the heart and that I was just as hurt as you when you threw yourself around like garbage. The concrete tore up both our bodies. Not just yours.

I don't think about who you are today. I don't miss the one you probably are now. I don't miss who you wanted to be or become.

Sweet you is missing. Gorgeous you. Handsome you. Annoying you. Restless you. Easily embarrassed you. Cuddly you. Morning moody you. Giggling you. Loving you. Real you! Everything you were, with all the negative and annoying behavior you brought with you.
On the inside, you never were something negative. I don't know whom you gave the right to change your personality, but it never really fit with the person I loved so sincerely. You changed shape, in some way. Became somebody else from time to time. Someone I didn't love at all.

Hell, I was so sick of you. And of me.

Maybe mostly of me. I disliked us so much in the end. Everything was so hard.
Only a few things were beautiful. Most things were just so damn ugly. And me! Angry, mad, cranky, sad, hurt, sarcastic, mean. I was everything that I'm not. And full of despair. So terribly full of despair, like I'd never been before.
For five years, my home was in your arms.

I love my life. Yes, I actually do. Despite everything. And can you believe it - I love my life even though you're not here with me!

I confess that I occasionally still feel like I'm dying when I realize that we're no longer… you know… Us. I can never deny that you were my other half. Neither can I deny that you're missing.

I nevertheless think that I now finally, finally, finally have reached the point where I want to leave you behind. I want to move on. I want to go on with my life. I want to look out ahead without seeing you everywhere, all the time.

It's going to take some time before I finally will, but I've taken a step in the right direction.
I want to move on now. And that's what's important.

But damn.

Damn, I loved you so much.
Damn, I always will.

And damn…
The pain is never going to go away.


/ Tanja

12 comments:

  1. 6 months after we broke up, it's like i wrote this myself right now.
    These are my words, my mind spoken out, my hope and my fear at the same time.
    Tanja, know we're in the right way. We'll get through slowly but surely!

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  2. please read:

    http://freeluckyeasy.blogspot.com/

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  3. You put my feelings into words. It has been 10 months since my boyfriend and I broke up and this is exactly how I feel. When I start to miss my Ex I realize that I miss who he was but that person is long gone. People change. Unfortunately you can not change them into who you want them to be. <3

    InfatuationOfLove.blogspot.com

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  4. "Maybe mostly of me. I disliked us so much in the end. Everything was so hard.
    Only a few things were beautiful. Most things were just so damn ugly. And me! Angry, mad, cranky, sad, hurt, sarcastic, mean. I was everything that I'm not. And full of despair. So terribly full of despair, like I'd never been before."

    it got to this point, when I didn't know who I was anymore and it had to stop. this was two weeks ago, I can't get through the day without feeling awful and I do want to go back every five minutes, but I don't believe I can handle this anymore. I was tired of living in hell, but now it feels just the same.
    thank you for sharing this, thank you.

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  5. That´s me. And that are my daily thoughts.

    Thanks!

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  6. It will never go away..

    I will still miss you, forever.

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  7. Wow, your story took my breath away. I hope you find what you're looking for.

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  8. never too late to change the course if you love someone. peace.

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  9. I feel exactly in the same way... I only hope that Time or Destine or whatever wiil do the right thing and take this feeling away... I feel exactly like you, there is not bether words!

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  10. I don't get it.. what's wrong in changing for a person who loves you a lot.. !! If some1 truly love they will surely change. I know how it feels when you are going to move on without the person once whom you thought is your life.

    http://srinivassr.blogspot.com/

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  11. "I nevertheless think that I now finally, finally, finally have reached the point where I want to leave you behind. I want to move on. I want to go on with my life. I want to look out ahead without seeing you everywhere, all the time."
    I am at this place as well. I know now that the person I miss is no longer there... I don't know who He is now... or where He is. But I just want to stop seeing him and remembering everything at all times. If you figure it out, tell me, because I know that heart stabbing feeling. And I just want to breathe normally again without having a memory or vision take my breath away and smother it.

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  12. this hit home when I read it when it was first posted how many ever weeks ago. & I'm feeling just exactly the same. Again. How are you? Is it getting easier? I'll say a prayer for you that it's just a memory now, if by chance that's true please send the advice this way. <3

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