Wednesday, October 5, 2011

love is not on my side

love is not on my side love photo love image, http://weheartit.com/entry/15769711/via/eunabug
ph: weheartit

I thought I knew how it felt. I thought I had memorized the feeling of not being happy, of wanting more, of being ajar. I thought I had settled for this second skin; the acceptance that sometimes it just isn’t a choice. It is a luxury to be able to feel what you wish to feel, and more often than not, life cannot afford such ease.

The problem with being a dreamer, a writer, a poet, is not that they feel more than everyone else. It is that they cannot escape from it. All the pain, ache and explosions,- others can dismiss as merely a feeling that cannot be contained. But for us, there are endless words to describe the way we feel, to actualize the feeling, to give it existence, to gravitate them. The irresistible impulse to label everything, to get to the bottom of every unexplainable feeling is crippling. To live as a writer is non-apologetic. Everywhere that you try to escape to, is aesthetically numb. Even when you do not see what reminds you of it, words are running madness inside your head.

This is about existing within a world where love is not on my side. This is about struggling every day to stay afloat. This is about my greatest love story. I thought I knew how it felt. I had made a pact with myself that I have no other choice. But that doesn’t mean it makes it any easier to live with. Heartstrings are broken whenever I think to myself, we may be so right for each other, but there will never be a way to find out. So many things remind me of you that not a day goes by that I am able to be completely content. The problem with being a dreamer, is that I feel too much for my own good. When I think about us, I feel dismantled, familiar, damaged and every imaginable adjective in between. There is no other person as capable as you to destruct, love and forgive me. You may never understand it, but it is just a truth that I must live with.

The idea of being happy is extraordinary. Sometimes I dream of not feeling. Of just existing. Of not being physically able to hurt inside. I did not choose to be a person that feels too much, or someone that is compelled to write word after word after word. Every time I think I could be content, something thrusts me back into a higher feeling that I cannot control. I thought I knew how it felt, how everything is, how people are, but I cannot will my heart to think the same.

25 comments:

  1. This is exactly how I feel. Not once in my life has another person shared these feelings, and you almost described them as I would.

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  2. you feel too much? because you're a writer? I'm sorry, but to be a naive and maybe throw your heart at people too easily is not feeling too much... Many do, and if you were a writer, wouldn't it make your writing so much greater? To feel sorrow, that is. And couldn't you feel thankful for being able to find relief in your art that way? Love is not by your side? If you're as young as your post suggests: just be patient. Love will find you; I promise... and if it's true love, it will happen. It won't be enough for it to be true only for you, though. Until then, take good care of your heart. Love isn't just about the way he makes you feel. It's also about you meaning the world to him.

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  3. Amazing story!

    I completely understand what you're saying, even though I'm not a writer. I do know that I write my feelings down sometimes, wondering if I can find the right words.

    "There is no other person as capable as you to destruct, love and forgive me. You may never understand it, but it is just a truth that I must live with."

    Especially this is so true..
    Anyway goodluck with everything, you'll find out with time if your lovestory continues and evolves.

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  4. Completely understand. As a dreamer myself, though, from personal experience it's really possible to change your mindset. It does take quite a while to get over all the pain and hurt but it's definitely doable and your emotions CAN be controlled - to a certain extent. I wish you all the best.
    P.S. you write beautifully.

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  5. "The problem with being a dreamer, is that I feel too much for my own good. When I think about us, I feel dismantled, familiar, damaged and every imaginable adjective in between. There is no other person as capable as you to destruct, love and forgive me. You may never understand it, but it is just a truth that I must live with."

    This shook me... I relate to you so much. Except for me, I was able to write exquisitely about the love I was in. Once my heart was broken it's as if the sentences are fragmented in my head. I just can't seem to get them out.

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  6. oh my fuckin god. i swear you described exactly what goes on in my head. do you happen to be a pisces? because i am and i dream way to much and i over think things all the time and i can never escape from my thoughts, my over analyzing, negative thoughts. im sorry you feel this way.
    xoxo

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  7. I am SO glad to see someone able to put to words what I feel! (And how frustrating is it, as a writer like us, to not be able to have the words to say what you feel about what you feel when the words are "running madness inside your head") Beautiful writing, thank you =)

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  8. I fell the same. It's horrible to feel everything on an extreme way and not being able to change that. I think this pain I feel, the one that's killing me, reminds me I'm a human, so, it's not that bad, but I still don't like it.
    Sometimes I just want to escape to my own reality and leave everything behind.

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  9. Oh my god. Wow. That is touching and feels kinda true. Wow. What a summary of how I often feel. Except now I have found my love, I just cant be near him because he's at basic training for the army.

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  10. A must read:

    http://freeluckyeasy.blogspot.com/

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  11. I told my best friend I loved him and everyone in my grade thought he had feeling for me too. Turns out he did over the summer but started liking one of friends who I have been arguing with lately. We dont talk anymore because I told him how I felt after and he said he liked her. and I miss him. alot. I know the feeling of being miserable, but if we stick it out, one day we can look back and say "I wish I knew when he broke my heart that it would all up okay...because it did" Keep your head high, and if you feel down ever think of me (dream girl) who is here with u

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  12. it's really nice to know that somewhere, someone out there is going through the very same things i'm going through myself. it makes me feel better in some ways, knowing that i'm not the only one with weird thoughts in my head all the time. i know what you mean about being a dreamer and feeling too much. it annoys me at times - the fact that we're so vulnerable. but in some ways i s'pose, it's a good thing too - because then all our happiness is magnified. :D
    thanks for sharing this. xoxo

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  13. Naming Myself is UnnecessaryOctober 7, 2011 at 12:49 PM

    There is no longer an excuse for me not to comment here anymore, because you finally did it, and here we finally are.

    Let's just say, whatever feelings that run through every different reader no longer matters, because do you see what is happening here? You, you have been officially quoted.

    "So many things remind me of you that not a day goes by that I am able to be completely content." -and here's what really got me.

    Dismantled is a beautiful choice.

    Lots of love and so proud.

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  14. That was an incredible read. What a blessing. Thanks for sharing this, it made my day.

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  15. i think if you love yourself--love will always be on your side. my bf and i broke up 2 days ago. he shook my world. before him i dated like a man; breakups were painless and without tears. no feelings. but even as my heart is breaking now, i wouldn't go back to the feeling of nothingness. i'm grateful to have been crazy in love, to feel as if my world is crashing on me, to feel so much pain...because that's when I realize how human I was. how very much alive I am.

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  16. Love will never be on your side if you're determined to be such a pessimist.

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  17. What i'm thinking is... that it's beautifully written, BUT at the same time you underestimate the feelings of others (especially those who can't express them). Just because you can't write down your feelings doesn't mean you don't feel them. I think everybody feels too much sometimes, not only writers.

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  18. i hope you don't mind me quoting you on my blog^^

    www.pieceslost.blogspot.com

    =))

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  19. This is absolutely perfect! I think a lot of people will be able to relate to this. Thank you for sharing.

    ~Ariel at adreamersdaze.blogspot.com

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  20. I'd rather feel too much than too little
    too wild than tame
    too passionate than liking
    too vibrant than dull
    little eccentric than conformity
    you are wonderful, the way you are

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  21. I pity you. I'm sorry.

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  22. Exactly me. It breaks my heart so many people are hurting like me. But it too brings comfort I'm not the only one so lost and searching.

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