Sunday, June 5, 2011

reaching in the dark


ffffound


it's so strange. and yes, I know it's not the first time this has been discussed. and this one, when it really comes down to it, will be no different from the others. but its another one of those times when this little part of my life that I have controlled so it won’t consume me, starts bubbling up again. I don’t know why, little things start it, get me thinking again. why, am I, an almost 20 year old girl, incapable of romantic love? its quite embarrassing to think or talk about.. almost laughable at how pathetic that seems. if my story were told to a random stranger I’m sure they would think the reason would be that I am some dirty-faced, antisocial, impersonable, loner. I'll have you know, I am none of those things. I have friends, great friends; the majority of which are in healthy normal relationships. I however, am not.

I'm not saying i am not loved, because I really am - but not that way. not in the way that is different from anything else and can make you feel the way that nothing else can. I wonder what it’s like to know you are loved that way. it fascinates me because it is completely foreign to me. its like imagining what it would feel like to be weightless in a rocketship on its way to the moon. unfathomable until you actually experience it. and, for one reason or another, it seems as though I am not cut out to be an astronaut.

People want me, but not enough. not enough to take it past the initial thrill of it. and I know how it works, oh I’ve seen it hundreds of times. heard it, watched it.. just not in the first person that's all. its always looking behind glass windows, doors, at the others who have found it. and even though sometimes its fleeting, short-lived, its still real. I wonder about the day when I will be the one people are watching.

I have all of these things I want to do before I die; ride in a hot air balloon, learn to play guitar, see the statue of liberty, silly things like that. but more than any of those things, I would like to experience the feeling of being completely and utterly loved. in a way that not your parents, your best friend nor your sister loves you. but the love you get from someone that you feel the same about. maybe thats the silliest of all, but to me it is the most important.

I don’t know. I really truly don’t know, as I’ve said a thousand times before and will probably continue saying until I get my answer - if I get an answer. sometimes it seems as though i'm reaching in the dark, for something i know must be there but its just so hard to find.

I still hold on to a tiny thread of hope that one day it’ll hit me over the head and I’ll just stand there baffled and realize I’ve finally found what I’ve been looking for, for as long as I can remember. but I also keep my head just below the clouds because the only thing worse for me than never finding what you’ve been looking for would be to constantly wait for it when it never comes.

Anyway, to all the people who have found it, my hat is off to you. I hope you know how lucky you are to be experiencing one of the most amazing things in the world, I’m sure you do. and as for me, I will continue on with my life, doing the things I love, that feel right, and hope for the best. they say the best way to find love is by doing what you love, and I suppose I’m trying my best to do that right now. so maybe.. maybe, one day everything will fall into place. and if not, I’ll at least have the things I truly love to keep me occupied.

-E

33 comments:

  1. we are the SAME PERSON.
    p.s you're an absolutely beautiful writer
    just know you're not alone

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  2. I feel the EXACT, EXACT same way. It always feels like you're on the outside, looking in, and when you observe other people, you're almost skeptical, because it seems like it's such a private thing, only allowed to those lucky enough to find it.

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  3. umm... this was really very beautifully written, very lyrical, and poetic. But, you do sound very 'tweeny', you're not even 20...? Such a melancholic feel about love?
    Yes, it's important, and this blog is about it... Part of experiencing love for the first time is becoming aware of it and the different types of 'romantic' love.
    What you seem to be describing is like the "orgasm' of love.... Not actually love in and of itself.

    I think what's kinda annoying about this post, is the "maybe one day...." You're probably not even done growing!

    This is a bit to tweeny to be written so well. If you want to connect with more people? Try to keep things in perspective, it seems a bit 'oh i'm 60 years old.. my life... my love', when in reality you're just a teenager sounding pretty naive, self deprecating, and dramatic (which is not considered artistic or intuitive when you're a teen).


    *kanye shrug*

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  4. too*

    That sounds a bit too harsh.. But, I mean really?

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  5. Love will find you some day. As they always say, "it'll come around when you least expect". And it does. When the time comes, maybe we'll be reading a new reader submission by you, what you went through and what it felt like to finally experience it in first person. :)

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  6. Well, I'm waiting too.
    I'm 21 and I've never been loved, desired and wanted this way by anyone. Even though all the world tells me:" Girl, you are so beautiful, the girl like you isn't supposed to be single".

    It's such a cliche, but...nothing is right when you don't have love. Love is everything. Great job, university, friends, loving family ... Or maybe I'm desparated and frustrated.

    Yes, I am.

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  7. hey, same here!!! I just turned 20 this year. forever alone. :(

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  8. think we all felt that way.. but now i just stopped thinking about it because it wont do me any good. i realized its such a waste of time- instead we should be concentrating on the things in life we already have and makes us happy.. and i think love will find us all sooner or later (thats how it usually goes). but until then- just enjoy life!

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  9. this text just hit me right through my stomach. i know this comment will be one of many others and that you and me are not alone, because there are always people who feel the same way as we do, somewhere.
    just wanted to say that we're not that unique and i'll keep on doing what i love too. I think, as said, that's the best thing to do.
    hugs

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  10. but remember, you´re just 20

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  11. Oh God! Don't search love. It'll come when you stop searching. I met my bf thatway and we have been together about two years now.

    Btw, I love your style of writing. Wish you the best!

    xx
    -M

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  12. You made me cried. It seems that we are the same person. For understood,

    Thank you.

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  13. Someday you'll look at some guy and think "he's hope". :)

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  14. @ Jillian Xenia, stop bein a ass, guess you forgot what being young is all about and to the one who wrote this. I understand how you feel but sometimes its better to be on the outside looking. Love is one crazy ride and sometimes a real painful one. So just keep enjoying life and trust, it will find you....even if you not ready for it...

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  15. Build an amazing life… learn to cook, read interesting books, learn the art of conversation, learn to relax and really enjoy the beautiful person you are, get comfortable saying nice things & hearing nice things about yourself, get comfortable with honesty deep and meaningful honesty. If you have an amazing life an amazing partner will be the perfect fit and even if they don’t show up well…you have an amazing life and that ain’t to shabby!

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  16. this is amazingly written, and I completely relate to it. About one month ago I felt the same way, infact I still do, I'm scared to show my true feelings and I never thought I'd meet anyone who i truly wanted to commit it. But give it time, keep your heart open, and you will find something - not your ideal but worth the compromise.

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  17. I am a 23 year old guy and sometimes I feel the same way. But I always try to remember that everybody is special and everyone deserves at least a smile. This is only part of our lives, it will come around eventually. Just don't stop caring and keeping loving everyone you meet. He will show up in time. I promise.

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  18. I feel the exact same way, like falling into an abyss and never knowing when you will hit the bottom.

    And i really want to find the bottom

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  19. It took me 26 years to find what you're looking. Long enough? I don't care. It was worth all the waiting. Actually, I wasn't waiting at all. Of course I wanted to find that special someone, and there were days I thought I'd never did. But in the end, things worked out fine by just "allowing" myself more. Just live your life, live today as your last day. Focus on things that makes you happy and take the most you can out of it. As I heard once from a song, love finds you, somewhere with you back to it. :)

    Pardon my English, can get messed up sometimes. ;P

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  20. Love is great, but it sounds like you have very high expectations, and might be dissapointed some day, when a boy loves you but is not able to make you feel excactely like you had imagined. Dreaming is a wonderful thing, but you may not let reality dissapoint you (:

    - Mie
    http://miedina.blogspot.com/

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  21. It will hit you when you won't expect it. That's the beauty of the thing :)

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  22. This is honestly one of the most beautiful things I've ever read. And I totally relate to it.

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  23. Same. Everything just seems to be perfect around me. Just not me. I'm probably starting to get used to it.

    *huggles*

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  24. After reading the post and the comments, I don't feel alone...However, even I am also under the cloud waiting for the time to come...Don't lose hope..

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  25. juliavonplaten@hotmail.comJune 8, 2011 at 9:35 PM

    Honestly , I trult love yout blog. It's inspiring, intresting and most of all it's honest and true. I found your blog through a friend. I guess you have a lot of readers but I don't know how many you have from Sweden. Hope there's a lot cause I tried to spread your blog through my friends. Like everybody elses says , you ans me seem a lot similar but in the samy way we seem completely different. That's whats interests me. How it doesn't mather if you're from completely diffrent part of the world and if you're completely diffrent , you can still feel the same thing and you can still share a sertain feeling about something. In the way we're similiar I really feel we are , you have so many things you want to do and achieve and it feels like you have trust enough in you're self to do all this things. Sometimes I have to much trust in my self and I think I can concur the hole fucking world and save all the children in africa. Sometimes I have to much confidence when it comes to my self. I'm defenetly not a cocky person I know about my faults. But it's sp strange to also have this side when I totaly lost , and that's when it comes to love. I fucking hate it. When it comes to me I push it away even if it's the one thing I want most in life. I'm gonna be honest , I'm drunk right now and it feels so good expressing my feelings to completely strangers. I'm not a weirdo or something, I'm just my self wanning to thank you for a truly good blog.
    If you want you can write me vack, I would be really hppy about that. And thank again for a lovely and honest blog. I'm probably gonna regret this tomorrow cause I usally don't do this but right now I don't f¨give a fuck and I really want to write to you so I'm looking forward to an answer. J

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  26. same here! Ans Im 22 and its kind of embarrising to explain to others that you never had a boyfrien ? :0

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  27. I felt totally the same about a year ago. I was at uni having a string of pointless flings and I just didn't click with any of them. I was the only single one out of my friends. It's true that you should persue your goals and it will come along. I've been working towards moving abroad to teach and whilst doing this I got together with a friend I've known for ages but wasn't single. I didn't realise how i felt about him until he became single. It's very early days and moving abroad imminently is a scary prospect at this stage in our relationship but I have a good feeling about it. Just thought I'd say this might be you in a year!

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  28. wowie wow wow, why are we not all best friends???????
    i somewhat how that feels. ish. and i do believe that everything happens for a reason, and that theres a time and a season for everything. so i wait. even though im told i shouldnt, im "not getting any younger." and i understand that; obviously i cant get younger. but i just want the perfect one. so youre not alone =))

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  29. this brought tears to my eyes because I feel the same way. I'm 20 years old and have never experienced love either. We are young though :D ! We'll find it someday.. just dont lose hope <3

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  30. omg i'm 19 and this is exactly what i'm feeling too. i pretend to not be looking for a guy becuase they say that love comes when ur not looking... but actually i'm sooooo looking haha. it's so frustrating but my advice is to just get excited for each new experience you encounter. you never know where you'll meet ur man. embrace being single, keep your confidence high, and pray that someone special will come along. god has a plan for all of us. trust in Him.

    best of luck to you girl. stay positive :)

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  31. hey love....i turn 20 this year and i really truly want to find love to but it seems when i try to find it and over analyze nothing happens...then im pushing myself to stop...however i stil have not found love yet but this summer i told myself im just going to have fun hangout and make the best of...this a thought i wrote to myself wheni was feeling down about my situation

    "seems like im on this never ending quest for love...i try so hard not to look and search, but it's hard when you want something so badly and it feels like its not achievable . how do i fix it or is there anything to fix?...or maybe i'm just analyzing my situation too much. i think its time that i take a step back and let my heart do the talking and not worry so much about things that will work itself out...just start letting goand just live."

    P.s. live love conquer...

    S.

    Kisses

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  32. I can't get over how much this sounds like the thoughts in my own head, that feeling reaching in the dark for something you want with all your heart but you don't know where it is or when it's coming? The kind of wanting is really tough to deal with sometimes. People always say that love shows up when you least expect it...I cannot even begin to explain how true it is. I'm happy in a new relationship, I don't know if it's the thing yet that I thought about and wanted so much, but that takes work, and I am willing to work for it. I hope that you've gotten a response in that fathomless darkness, because people like us are everywhere looking to connect. Your time will come, it may come tomorrow, life is so surprising. No matter what, know that you're not alone, I will never meet you but I am comforted knowing that there is someone on my wavelength out there.

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