Monday, June 20, 2011

no guarantees


unknown

A year. Just one year. In that time we have left and re-entered each other's lives way too many times to count. I don't even remember how it first started, how "we" first started. And in the times when we weren't together we were with other people, but it was always like there was this magnet inside of us that only we could feel. As the magnet would move closer, we would become friends, and then all of a sudden it would be like the magnet shattered. And once again we would leave each other's lives. And every time it would shatter just as we were getting closest to something serious between us.

But this last time was different. For some reason the magnet didn't shut off and we got close. Really close. The first time we went out you told me you were going away for two months this summer but I was so wrapped up in the excitement of it all that I pushed it to the back of my mind. Then on the second time, I noticed something had changed. We sat in your car and you stared at me for a while with this longing, sad look. I tried not to think twice about it and the thought of you leaving hadn't crossed my mind in a while.

Then last night, you reminded me that you were leaving. In two days. And all of a sudden I felt this pain in my chest. I brushed it off as I joked about you not hooking up with any girls while you were away but I knew there were no guarantees. And then tonight you tell me you thought it was weird that I would say that because those kinds of rules are only for "a boyfriend and a girlfriend."

So that leaves me. For two months. Sitting here. Hurting. Wondering what you're doing, and who you're with. Two months while I work at some boring, 9-to-5 job. And with no guarantees. No guarantees that you won't have hooked up with another girl, that you won't have stopped liking me, that you won't have missed me, that you won't have forgotten about me.

Nothing.

-R

18 comments:

  1. I Endorse the feelings . . .

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  2. Let him go. If he doesn't want you the way you want him, he doesn't deserve you at all. Believe me, leave!

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  3. let go... if he comes back.. he is truly yours.. : )

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  4. I have been in that position before. I waited the 2 months. Looking back. I wish I didn't. The relationship didn't work. It was a waste of time.

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  5. It's beautifully written.. :)

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  6. I know how it feels to be drawn to somebody. He doesn't think that the two of you are boyfriend and girlfriend. His comment was passive-aggressive and mean. You deserve better.

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  7. I've been there before! The only reason I waited for him is because I kept thinking that he would come back to me, that he felt what I felt too. But I was wrong! I got nothing but pain. So I let him go and it was such a huge relief. It's totally up to you now, but I think you deserve someone a lot better than a guy who doesn't even bother telling what you mean to him :)

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  8. "If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it your - if it doesn't, it never was"

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  9. I'm going through the same thing right now. We were boyfriend and girlfriend for 2 years today, but he broke it off a few days ago asking to be on a break. He's in colorado, im in california, for 2 months. I totally understand how you feel, and its driving me crazy. Thanks for sharing your post, it comforts me knowing there are other people who are going through the same thing. Unfortunate but comforting :). Stay strong! Hope all goes well in the end.

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  10. I agree with what everyone else has said above but you need to consider the alternate. I was in your shoes and I took everyone advice " let him go " and did my own thing thinking he would no longer he interested. He was amazing and after he found out I kissed someone else and didn't take it seriously he couldn't see me the same I ruined it. I lost one of the best things I ever had..
    Other side of the coin

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  11. I have put in alot of thought after reading your post and I worry that you have set your hopes too high for this kid. Unlike other comments, I bet this kid is a good guy and possibly an amazing guy for you, but if he doesnt want a commitment, you shouldnt be expecting one. Dont hold him back because its not fair to him and youll drive yourself nuts.

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  12. short term pain, long time gain.. let him go.

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  13. don't do this to yourself, R.
    if he blatantly says that ur not even bf/gf then he doesnt want to make a commitment. he wants options just in case something does happen in those 2 months, but doesnt want to ruin his chance with you because he probably thinks ur going to wait for him.
    keep ur options open, but dont pursue anything until you find out for sure what his deal is and whether or not he wants your relationship to grow.

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  14. Maybe when he said you weren't boyfriend/girlfriend he was looking for a way to become that? But was scared? It depends on how he said it though. This is a tough situation; I hope things work out for the best for you.


    -J

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  15. please do yourself a favor and forget about him! it will hurt soo much, but it will hurt more when he comes back. i've been in your shoes. please, for your heart. he's not worth it

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  16. I am in your shoes, been in your shoes for about three months. It's hard to just let go. I didn't want to, and I still don't. I don't fully expect anything when we are finally reunited again, but I also haven't given up on the idea. See where life takes you when you are back together, if something comes of it then be happy and be with him. If nothing comes of it then be happy and know that you were open to the possibility of love, but friendship is just better for the two of you. Stay strong, whatever is meant to be for the two of you will happen.

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  17. Months have now passed. How did things turn out for you both?

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