Thursday, May 26, 2011

what's broken so I can fix it


Olle Eriksson

My story starts like a million others - girl gets her heart broken at a young age, stops believing in love, meets guy who makes her change and open up. But unlike a million other stories, mine doesn't have a happy ending.

I signed up to a dating website when I was bored. It was just out of curiosity at first and to meet new people, since I love to travel. Until one day this guy comes up as a suggestion. A quick look at his profile and I immediately decided to congratulate him for such a well written about me section. And so it all started. Long messages being exchanged every single day. Confessions, complaints, all the things you would talk to a friend, we wrote to each other. We became friends, but something was growing inside me, a weird, unsettling feeling, but I decided to shrug and let it go. Until the day I drunkenly decided to tell you everything - all my feelings and thoughts. And to my surprise you said you felt the same and when you did so... oh, it was like a breath of fresh air. I finally felt happy after so many years of faking smiles and trying to drag myself through life. My heart filled with hope.
And when I thought I couldn't be happier, you said you were coming to my country to visit me. My insecurities took me by storm and I started to think that it was to good to be true. That such a good looking guy would never want a girl like me.
But you came, and I reunited all the courage I could to meet you, and when I first saw you I knew I had found someone worth fighting for. I knew that it would be worth all the heartache, the distance and the insecurities.

My life became you. I would go out and think about you all the time, always wishing you were here. I would dream about you. I would thinking of you so much that it started to frighten me.

After you left I was such a mess that I decided that for the first time I had to go after someone. And so I did. I flew all the way to your country so I could see you again. And for some reason, everything was so fucked up. You met me once and then ignored me, ran away from me, and words can't explain how painful it was, how broken my heart was. I would walk around the streets of that foreign and unknown country trying to find reasons for all that, trying to fool myself into thinking you were just too busy to meet me, that I came at the wrong time. I had to fool myself, otherwise I wouldn't be able to take it. I would just... break.

After many attempts to contact you, you finally responded. We had dinner. And then all of a sudden you said you wanted me to be your girlfriend. At first I thought it was a joke, because it was too good to be true, way too good. But you said it again later that night, and I remember going back to my hotel with the biggest smile on my face. That was the only day when I was truly happy. I made plans to move to your country, or to a country nearby so we could be closer and give us a shot. But then you ignored me again after that, and I was left puzzled. I had to come back home broken hearted, lost, without knowing what to do.

Ever since that day you were never the same, we were never the same, and I wonder what went wrong. There isn't a day that goes by without me thinking of you, longing for you. The sadness I felt before meeting you came back. And even though you broke my heart so many times, I would still do whatever I can to be closer to you, to be with you. I want the truth, I want your honesty back. I wish you would just tell me how you're feeling so I can stop torturing myself. Because I want you, I want us. I want me there with you, or you here. I want to cross streets holding hands, have dinners, watch old movies and walk around town. I want adventures, drunken nights. I want happiness. I want you, only you.

I want to know what's broken so I can fix it, because I can't imagine myself living a life without you.

Jeg savner dig...

-jcm

39 comments:

  1. Men are shit :(
    Unti you're married. Then they're only shit sometimes.



    -Tiana
    tianalachelle.blogspot.com

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  2. Hi, please don't take this the wrong way, but it seems like you're in love with the relationship and not him. you're infatuated with the concept of all-consuming love.. he's playing games with you and you need to stop letting him do that!! Start loving yourself first... then you'll find that your emotions won't be dictated by one single person.

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  3. I can understand your feelings. I once fell in love with a guy I meet online. I was so in love, but he lived on the other side of earth and we were too you to even go that far alone. The we lost contact, and now I realise that he was just some word on a screen. I were in love with is words, the words of someone I didn't know because he could be lying.

    Jag saknar honom också ibland. Men tiden läker alla sår, som dom alltid säger.

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  4. Yes, men are shit :(
    I need some advices, Im so messed up from what happened last night.

    http://asdfghkimi.blogspot.com/2011/05/guard-yourself-guard-your-heart.html

    - Kim xx

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  5. I studied abroad and met a man that was absolutely perfect, (in my mind). We studied together, held hands, spent almost every night together, drank together, made crazy love, and were almost inseparable. All of our friends were convinced we were going to be together for a long time, and he treated me like his girlfriend. Then something happened; he started acting strange, distant, and basically like an asshole. Before I had to go home, he treated me like shit. He claimed it was due to him not being able to deal with getting close to me, and I thought he didn't know how to say goodbye. But then when I went to visit my friends at my school abroad months later, he trapped me and hurt me again. Men don't always know what they want; sex blinds them, kisses blind them, drinks blind them, and they will hurt you in the end if you don't set clear boundaries at the very beginning of a relationship that say, "I'm looking for a boyfriend and someone to treat me well" because no matter how much you like a guy, it's worth stating your wants and needs towards the beginning and sacrificing them leaving at the beginning rather than being hurt and feel awful towards the end. You will find twenty guys in a row that will peace out when you say you want a boyfriend or something meaningful and someone to treat you better than the other assholes, but when you find a guy that is responsible and likes you and wants to stick around, you know you stuck to your principles and he respects you because you respected yourself enough to set that fucking important ass standard for the relationship and where it should go. I still think about my Irish lover, but I couldn't be more grateful to have my own self love.

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  6. Uh, this text is from Denmark! I can see it on the last three words that means I miss you. I am from Denmark too! Great blog with good random love text!
    /carolineschubert.blogspot.com

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  7. jcm,

    Please don't give up. I met someone on vacation and fell in love with him after only a few days. We decided to keep seeing each other when we got home, and although things weren't perfect he became my everything. However when things got hard, I gave up. It was the biggest mistake I ever made. The best piece of advice I can give you is to be completely open and honest with him, tell him exactly how you feel. Men can hide their feelings, and most have a hard time letting their guard down. But if he says he cares about you and he asked you to be his girlfriend, there is a good chance he wants to make it work.

    Best of luck! xo

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  8. My sentiments are the same as India Pearl!

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  9. As a guy, I agree with India. It is so much easier to deal with a lady when she's being clear about what she wants, rather than leaving you wondering constantly, or not knowing for herself. Have the courage to be honest with yourself about what you want, and further courage to be open with your guy about it, *especially* if it isn't the same thing he wants.

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  10. OMG the boy sounds a bit like me in terms of behaviour. I had the same thing with my best friend and a guy I had a crush on. It was all fun and games and totally cool till something just snapped and then we would try to make it work especially both of them but whatever happend it was never the same and I still love them but I cant be with them without it being totally akward.

    Im not really good at intimacy mabye he has the same thing ?

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  11. husk på, at tiden læger alle sår.

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  12. Hej jcm

    Fra de sidste tre ord i din post, går jeg ud fra, at du er dansk. Derfor vælger jeg at svare på vores fælles tunge (:

    Vær ærlig over for ham, og sig hvad det er, du vil have. Og hvis han bliver ved med at såre dig - så er han ikke det værd! En person der konstant sårer dine følelser fortjener dig ikke - punktum!

    Jeg håber du kommer dig - for kærlighed findes, omend man må få knust sit hjerte nogle gange, før man virkelig finder den sande kærlighed. Man skal som sagt kysse nogle frøer, før man finder sin prins.

    Held og lykke!

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  13. seguindo
    anjoscoloridos-lili.blogspot.com/

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  14. feel the same,
    not the same thing happened.
    but i´m a broken hearted girl now and can´t stop to think about him:(

    a-secret.de.vu

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  15. I know a lot of people post the same comment on this blog, but I honestly mean it: it's like you're telling my story. Mine has a different ending though. I never, ever believed in love because I never thought I'd be able to find the type of guy I wanted-I didn't think he existed. My friends always told me I would never find love if I didn't give anyone a chance, and they bet that I was too afraid to even date online, so I joined an online dating site, just to prove them wrong. I never expected anything to come out of it, but things always happen when you don't see it coming... What were the chances that the first guy whose profile I clicked on would be the one to change my life? He was perfect, except for one fatal flaw: he was recovering from a mental illness, which caused him to be depressed. Nevertheless, I fell for him, but I kept myself at a safe distance because I knew we didn't have a future together. Long story short, two days ago the depression overwhelmed him so much that he took all his meds and went into a coma, and I have no idea when or if he will ever wake up. What I'm trying to say is, don't give up. You never know when something will happen that you will never be able to tell that person you love how much they mean to you. When given the option to share your love, always share it, cherish it, hold on to it-because you never know when that option will be taken away. Carpe diem. Seize the day.

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  16. sounds to me like hes probably married. which is why he would be fine coming to your country and be happy but when you took it upon yourself to go to his he was annoyed and couldnt see you. as soon as youre safely home and in different country he is fine again.. walk away, its hard i know but better in long run

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  17. People are, sadly, always far more complex than you'd like them to be. I can't say that I've been in your situation as such, but I have also been treated in a similar hot-cold manner with a lot of words that mean so much but in the end end up doing nothing but destroying you.

    Ah, well. I do believe in love and hopefully I will meet someone who makes it all worthwhile - and I hope you do too.

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  18. "I want to know what's broken so I can fix it, because I can't imagine myself living a life without you..."

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  19. or... maybe the guy is just simply so unaware of his identity that the things he thinks he wants are different from one day to the next. Unfortunately when there is a crisis of identity/ambition/both it is feasible that he never meant to hurt you at any point in the process. Some men, some women, just want sex. They love the chase, even the idea of a relationship. but for insecurities or indecisiveness they can't hold onto one. Maybe holding onto a relationship isn't in the make-up of certain people. Maybe its autism.

    I agree that to lead you is wrong, but maybe he was "trying" to be something he was not.

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  20. Too many Anonymus!!

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  21. Sometimes we had a wrong people. We fell in love,but otherside don't feel the same. And he just play the game with your feelings. You need to go after that. And you had new and better man in your life.Trust me! (sorry for my English) I wish you good luck and true love!

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  22. God!! I'm going through the same situation as you are... All of a sudden he stopped looking for me, he just disappeared... it's so shocking, since he was the most affectionate in the relationship... Anyway I've looking for him and we set up to meet soon. I've decided that as much as I like him and as much as I enjoy being with him, I just can't let him fool around with my feelings... maybe you should do the same... Good luck :)

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  23. jesus, woman, didn't you get the message the first time?

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  24. I'm so sorry. I understand how important closure is. It makes a world of a difference. I hope you get it soon. Much love.

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  25. our stories go differently, but i'd say where we landed up is quite similar.
    i met a guy who made life seemed so much better altogether, for two whole months.
    he claimed it was love he felt; a future in us he saw. things were complicated on my side, and he said he would wait - no strings attached.
    a few weeks back, he just snapped and stopped wanting any contact with me. i never really understood why.
    maybe he was never in it for the right reasons. maybe all that he had said or done for me were lies.

    no matter how i convince myself he's probably rotten thrash and not worth it at all, it still hurts like crap thinking that this one person you were once SO close to has become a total stranger you probably would never speak to ever again.

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  26. Those last two paragraphs of yours.....they struck a chord in me. Beautifuly written.

    If only love were easy....

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  27. I know you probably hear, "I know how you feel" plenty, but before you write this off as just another pity party, I actually know how you feel.

    I was struggling in a neglected and distressed relationship when the most perfect man (or so I thought) revealed himself to me on a level I've never before or since experienced. He was vulnerable and open and lovely in all the ways I needed.

    And you can probably guess what happened to me.

    He strung me along, filling my ears and heart with empty promises of epic love and a future and worshiping me like a goddess, like I deserved.
    And it all stayed online.
    I acted in ways I normally wouldn't, said and did things I'm not proud of, and all for essentially nothing.

    And when I called him on it, I got a lot of sorries and I-feel-terribles, but not a hint of a let's-fix-it or even an I-want-to-make-it-up-to-you.

    It's been three years. Three long years that I was infatuated, even believed I was in love; three years that I spent waiting on nothing; three years I will never get back.

    I don't want you to regret this as much as I did.
    So here's what you do.

    You sign off. You get rid of that account, and you never look back. You go and step out into the sun with a smile on your face and your heart on your sleeve and you smile like you light up a room, love unconditionally and completely, and latch onto hope and never let go.

    Go where your heart takes you, not where people lead you.

    You are not to blame for the pain you suffered. But you are the only one who can stop the suffering. Do it for yourself, do it because you can, and do it because eventually, you'll regret the time you wasted wallowing.

    Just remember that someone somewhere is falling in love with your smile. :)

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  28. Det gør mig ondt at høre.

    Basically, eventhough you love him, you have to let it go. I know it's hard to do, probably the hardest, but for your own sanity and sake, you have to.

    Stol på mig, jeg har selv været der!

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  29. oh, i recognize myself in the part of your story when it broke. i recognize the confusion, the unanswered questions.
    i was in pain for about 4 months. then i met my guy again, and realized, that as somebody commented here, it was the relationship i had fell in love with. i was in love with having someones hand to hold, someone to lay down in the sun by the sea with. but it was not him i wanted. it was the relationship.
    obviously, hes not a nice man. eat a lot of strawberries and spend time with dear friends, and maybe one day, as for me, you will meet him again and laugh at your past self. and youll walk home feeling like your ready to fly because your free from him.

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  30. du fortjener ditt eventyr, men du fortjener det med noen bedre. noen som gjør deg hel, og vier seg selv til å være sammen med deg.

    la ingen tråkke på deg.

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  31. the beauty and the beast is a mythJuly 19, 2011 at 1:56 AM

    this may sound very cold. But after reading your story my impression is that he's more attractive than you are. And you sound very insecure about yourself and the way you look. Just the fact that you joined a dating site.

    That's one of the problems with dating sites. People get the wrong impressions. And in the end of the day looks count. Everybody may deny it. But it's true.

    I once talked to a great guy on the internet. And I had a conversation with him on the phone. He had a sexy voice. We met later that night, because he didnt live far away. When I met him I got really disappointed. He was ugly. I'm not a shallow person. But I can't be in a relationship with someone that I don't find attractive. He fell in love with me, and I didnt want to break his heart or give him the wrong ideas. We stayed friends for a little while. And then we never spoke again.

    That was the first and last time I met a guy on the internet. Try to find someone in real life, that likes you the way you are. And be realistic. This may be cold, and I'm sorry if I sound like a bitch. But that's how reality normally works.

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  32. It won't really have success, I consider so.

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  33. Well, I do not really imagine this is likely to work.

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  34. I think you should stop using flirk, the images and videos get lost quite often.

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