Monday, May 2, 2011
keep coming back to you
Sometimes people ask me why I like you but I never feel like explaining everything with us. And when I do try, it never comes out right so I can't blame them for not understanding.
We've never been together, the closest we've had is a one night hook-up, completely sober, just because we wanted to. And that was over a year ago. I just keep coming back to you.
We met the first month of freshman year on a Thursday night when you came back drunk and I was studying. We got to talking and exchanged numbers and I gave you no further thought. The boy who I liked had just broken my heart and I went home for the weekend, even though you drunkenly told me I should stay. That Sunday I texted you with full intentions of getting help for my music class but we ended up talking until 4 in the morning about everything. We talked about everything; heartbreaks, friendships, family, and then stuff that was much deeper, that nobody really knew about us. Maybe it was the anonymity of it all, we barely knew each other and it was so easy to just keep talking. But both of us knew that that night wasn't normal and there was a weird comfortableness that we never discussed. We would see each other in the downstairs lobby from time to time but only occasionally would we be alone enough to talk like that first night. I had a massive crush that was like being on a roller coaster; one look from you and I was happy the whole day but I often saw you talking to other girls which was enough to drive me crazy. You were too cool to care and while I hid it well, I was hopelessly nuts about you.
The heartbreaker reentered my life and my crush was on the backburner for awhile. And you noticed that I wasn't around as much. You mentioned that you didn't like the guy to my roommate but I knew it was in a friend way and nothing more like I so desperately wanted. But right before winter break, we went driving. We talked like that first night and we felt that connection. We hooked up and I was foolish in thinking I wouldn't fall for him but I did. But we were away for a month and a lot changes in a month.
By the time we got back, you had a girlfriend and my best guy friend in the dorm had fallen for me. And as unlikely as I thought it could be, I fell for him too. You were no longer on my mind as I got caught up in this amazing guy. He was perfect by all standards. He was brilliant, romantic, sensitive and treated me better than I thought possible. But you started to creep in. I wanted to text you but repressed the thoughts. I didn't talk to you when I saw you and for the longest time, we had our significant others and didn't think of each other. But one night over summer, you chatted me, drunk of course, about how angry you were when I started dating the other guy. You said that even though you had your girlfriend and I had my boyfriend, that I couldn't deny that we had a connection. I couldn't deny it but I lied.
The next year came and with time, both of us broke up with our significant others. We had late night talks in the library, mostly you helping me get over my relationship. We run into each other and randomly hang out and then go our separate ways. I want to text you but our lives have gone different directions. I feel like we had a small margin of time to get it right and I know that we missed it. But I keep coming back to thoughts of you.