Wednesday, March 16, 2011

there is no easy way



I never thought I would be the one going for the easy way out.
Or maybe there is no easy way.
Or maybe the right way and the easiest way sometimes are the same.

I watched Notebook yesterday. Five times. Over and over and over again. I watched it all night, trying to figure my own life out. I felt like every word Noah said to young Allie (who was engaged to someone else) was directly spoken to me. So I focused on this ring of mine that I'm wearing and started to think. I tried to picture my life 30 years from now, 40 years from now. What's it look like?

It's the same story. Teenage girl meets teenage boy, for the first time they fall deeply, insanely and endlessly in love, they teach each other everything about love, they spend their summers beneath the trees, growing together in love. And then, after one year of happiness and joy this beautiful love story ends, because that's what happens with puppy love. Because something went wrong. Because they hurt each other. Because there were terrible actions and even more terrible words. Teenage girl and teenage boy are wounded, they're hurting. And they try to move on. Many letters are written, but never actually sent. Four years apart and not one word is said. Sometimes, they use to see each other in their new lives, but they don't even smile at each other. They are just like strangers passing by. Their eyes meet for a second or two, and there is so many hidden feelings and secrets in those moments that their hearts starts to beat faster, and then these moments are gone.

Five years later, teenage girl is a woman, teenage boy a man and their story is nowadays just bittersweet memories. They have never really forgotten each other, but they're too proud to tell. Then, she meets this other man, this perfect man, who loves her with all her heart. That man is her "Lon", he is just perfect in every way and he can give her a secure, loving and worshipful marriage, and she maybe won't die completely happy but she will die with a confidently smile on her face. He purpose, and she say yes. Engaged and happy, but something is missing. And that's when "Noah" comes back to her life. Or actually, she comes back to his. She just has this strong feeling that she has to meet him, she don't know what to tell him but she know she has to see him, she has to speak to him. So she finds him. She is so sure that he has moved on and forgot her, but by finding him she realize that he still loves her. As she loves him. As she always did. As she always will. They spend some days talking for hours, telling memories, crying, catching up, falling in love (deeply, insanely and endlessly) all over again. It feels like the years in between didn't even exist. Like they're just coming back to each other's arms again after a short break. Everything is exactly like before, like five years ago. His voice. His eyes. Nothing has changed.

And then, after some days living in the past, she returns to her future. To her fiancé.

And that's the whole story.
It's like Notebook, except it isn't. If this was a novel written by Nicholas Sparks, we all know where I would end up. But this isn't a movie. It isn't that predictable. Or easy. It's my life. And the people around me are not actors playing out their roles. They are real people, you know. My fiancé, my ex.

I love them both. I really do. Just like Allie loved them both.
I love them differently, though. But deep in my heart I know which one has the power over my love. I know which one is the one who can make me feel like the teenage girl going crazy.

"The only thing more unthinkable than leaving was staying;
and the only thing more impossible than staying is leaving."

I am Allie, except I'm not. I maybe didn't choose the right one. I didn't follow my heart. I go for the easy way, except there is no easy way. The only thing more impossible than staying, is leaving. I don't have the courage to destroy anything. To destroy it all. To figure it out. I just can't. So here's the deal. If you want something, go for it. Life really is too short to wait. Me? I waited too long, and now it's too late.

38 comments:

  1. I know exactly how you feel. I dove in and got married...but now realize I love two someones and the quote-
    "The only thing more unthinkable than leaving was staying;
    and the only thing more impossible than staying is leaving."
    -
    is exactly how I feel.Hang in there...maybe eventually it will work itself out.

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  2. It's never too late.

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  3. Go back, it´s not to late!
    It´s not fair to either of them if you don´t choose the right one.

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  4. It's never too late for love or to do the right thing!

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  5. Never say never, if you want something you should go for it. It's your life and you should live it like it's your last day. I got really sad while reading this because it seams like you are unhappy and not satisfied with your life.

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  6. Im sure that none of the commentors cant judge you. but look, u cant live rest of your life with someone who you dont love completely without any conditions. you will be thinking of the other one all the time, and it will drive you crazy for sure. you gotta bge fair with yourself, your fiancé and your ex

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  7. Dear Reality-Allie,

    There's another option:
    PAUSE.

    Postpone the wedding (prolong the engagement). I really feel you need some time to truly think this through before you commit yourself to marriage. Take time out, figure out what it is you really want.

    As Olivia mentioned, I get the feeling you are sad and uncertain, and...you know, there's too much unhappiness in this world that I don't want you to live with regrets. So...I hope, with all my heart, that you choose happiness.

    Good luck babe!

    <3 <3 <3
    DW

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  8. Its sad to read. And in one way i know hot you feel. Im in the mittle of a heart break to. I felt deeply in love with a guy from another country another culture and now hes parents and hes bad economy drived him away from me, they forced him to married aonther girl from his country and now im left alone. We still love each other deeply thou.. It sucks bug im glad i meet him, cause no one have ever loved me like he did.

    "The greatest thing you ever learn is to love and be love in return"

    It is like Romeo and Julia, Edward and Bella, Jack and Rose, Tristan and Isolde. Me and him.

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  9. "He purpose, and she say yes. " Do you mean propose?

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  10. It's never to late. A marriage is about true love and not about love you actually don't really want but is save.
    And thats what I like about this blog, there are only TRUE stories written, not just imaginated stories.
    Its never to late.

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  11. it is NEVER to late

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  12. pick your noah. if you don't you'll regret it for the rest of your life : ( i think i lost my noah,dont let him go again.

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  13. wow. amazing piece of writing!
    i havn't met my noah yet . . but there is one thing i am sure of, when I do, I'm not letting him go.
    You've lost your real life noah once, will your heart bear to loose him again? Follow your heart real life allie. You wouldn't want to think "what if" for the rest of your life.
    Hope it ends well!
    xo

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  14. it's never to late. never. maybe it's not the right time^^but you should trust yourself, it sounds like you know exactly what you want, you're just scared. jump over it. life's to short.

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  15. You should go back to your ex. It's obvious that your fiance isn't right for you if you are thinking about someone else. You only live once, and life is too short to waste it wondering" what if?"

    Not to mention the marriage won't last, you will always feel guilty about cheating, and you will never be able to have a honest relationship.

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  16. yeah, it's never to late. late is a word you use when you can't see something from the bright side. So kind of, it's never to late, it's all about being posetive.

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  17. i've whatched this movie over and over and i've been in the same situation! what i can say is that it's never too late for love, and it's never too late for a second chance! There's nothing worse than look back and think 'what if...'

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  18. this makes my heart hurt...go after your noah! otherwise you could regret it for the rest of your life..

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  19. This makes me sad, and yet I completely understand. Nothing is easy in life anymore and when it comes to love I can tell you that it's definitely not always a fairytale. Sometimes we have to forge our own paths but you know what? No matter what your head is telling you right now, you're going to be unhappy unless you go back and right your wrong. It's going to hurt, it's not going to be easy and at times you might feel it's impossible but it's never too late. It's time for you to get up and go after your "Noah" because that's what you want deep down and you deserve it to yourself and to your "Lon" to do what's right. If you can't love him with all of your heart, then you need to think again.

    By the way, I LOVE The Notebook! And I hope you make the right decision for you. Come check out my blog sometime. I left the link below but if not it's thewestsider.wordpress.com

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  20. Some people never get to meet their Noah. You shouldn't leave him behind. You only get one shot at life and yours will work out as you go. At the end of the day you'll be with the one man you may truly ever live with your whole heart.
    xx

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  21. If there is no easy way out, why don't you choose the Noah-way? 'Cause you'll regret it the rest of your life and wonder what could have been if you don't try it. You know you want to. You owe it to yourself. Not everyone is lucky to find what yoy found with Noah, don't waste it! Think about how truly amazing your life will be with him.
    Please write to Le Love and tell what way you choosed. I wanna know the end of of your true life story.

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  22. The Notebook is a wonderful movie! But it's just that - a movie. I wholeheartedly agree with the commenter who advised a third option: PAUSE.

    We only know what you've told us, not you or the men or your situation, so our advice on the men in your life is pretty much meaningless. Still, I'm weighing in! :)

    I hope both of your loves know about each other and what you're feeling because this is as much their decision as it is yours. That is important. I mean, think about how you'd feel if you were in their place? You'd definitely want to know your fiancee was so torn, I'm sure of it.

    May I suggest that you tell both of them you need a TIME OUT and away? Then take as much as you need to decide what is right for you - not only now but for your future! Look at them not only as love and lovers now, consider their potential as strong and steady and devoted lifelong companions. And if they pressure you or aren't willing to wait while you figure things out, unfortunately that means you've simply been spared a heartwrenching decision. All three of you deserve the time needed to make sure you end up with the right fellow or neither of them.

    My prayers are with you.

    Sarah

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  23. Don't marry someone you don't feel completely right about. That's not fair to him - or to you. You both deserve to marry the person that you are absolutely sure about. And there's no crime in being unsure, or in taking time to find out what you want. It's your life, after all.

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  24. March 18, 2011 9:44 PM

    That's not meant to be judgemental. I just want you to be happy, and SURE, with whatever you decide. You deserve that, after all. There's no harm taking some time to decide what you really want, so no matter what you choose, you are making the right decision for you.

    Life is messy, isn't it??? Good luck!!

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  25. Did this girl already get married? I hope not =\
    I think what a lot of people commenting are forgetting is that she said her fiance could give her a 'Secure', loving and worshipful marriage. Maybe her Noah couldn't provide the 'secure' part ($$) and for a lot of girls that's very important (unfortunately).
    You owe it to your fiance to tell him your situation so that HE can decide of he still wants to marry you. Truth is the only way in a lving relationship. PLEASE be truthful with him.

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  26. When I read the 'secure' part I don't think of it as $$. Read it as a whole sentence.. secure, lovig and worshipful. MAYBE she is scared her Noah can't give her anything of that. Maybe security in this case means that she can be sure he will truly love her, not just now, but forever. She wrote she know her Lon loves her for real, and as someone said - Notebook is a sweet movie but it's just that: a movie, so I keep thinking, this ex is an ex for a reason. Well maybe they didn't work out because they were too young, but what do we know happened between them? What do we know about their whole story, which obviously was very hurtful to her? I myself been in this situation where I could choose between following the heart or my brain. I chose to follow my brain, because I had too much to risk and my future is precious to me.

    To you, real life Allie, I hope you read all this comments. Just don't make a mistake. Don't. It is not too late, even if you have the whole wedding planned and even if you are getting married tomorrow or next week, but I will consider it too late when you say "I do" to this man. Once you are married to him, you can't just undo your vows. Or, even worse it will be when you get pregnant and have children with this man! So think about it. Get some more time. If you truly love Noah and he truly loves you (only you can define what 'truly' mean), please go get your man. If not.. well. In either case, I wish you good luck and I hope you'll be happy, sorry but right now you don't seem happy.

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  27. Woow, I did the same yesterday night.
    But I focussed on something else... On the fact of she having to leave and he waiting for her, just like forever, until she came back.

    I'm kinda living the same thing in my life but on the other side as in, he living and me staying. It seems to me it's going to me that it's going to king of like a vacuum, so empty...

    Love your blog btw :)

    xx

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  28. Thank you for sharing your story. :)

    Actually what you shared wit us is an indication that everyone needs "healing"--needs to be healed first before we commit ourselves in another relationship. Allow yourself to heal. Especially if we have loved the person deeply. Give yourself time alone to evaluate and to "bond" wit yourself. Be open to date other people but as long as you're not yet totally healed don't go any further yet. In the end of it, you'll benefit by knowing yourself more, what you want in a relationship. And the most important is that you'll be able to grow and move on. :)

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  29. i loved this post. i hope i never have to be in that situation of choosing, but all the same it would be amazing to have two people love you so much.

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  31. allasvaranhoik.blogg.seMarch 29, 2011 at 5:26 PM

    your blogg is wonderful. I got the adress from a friend and have now read it for about 4 months...

    i just wonder one thing. Are your fiancé readig your blogg? doesn't he get jeallous then?
    / Hoik

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  32. this is beautiful! i cried...i admit it! lovely post...I watched "the notebook" million of times...its just such a great movie...


    my advice...get marry, & be happy! time will answer all your doubts...

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  33. He deserves better. You deserve better. Trust your heart.

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  34. It can't really have effect, I think this way.

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