Wednesday, March 16, 2011

there is no easy way

I never thought I would be the one going for the easy way out.
Or maybe there is no easy way.
Or maybe the right way and the easiest way sometimes are the same.

I watched Notebook yesterday. Five times. Over and over and over again. I watched it all night, trying to figure my own life out. I felt like every word Noah said to young Allie (who was engaged to someone else) was directly spoken to me. So I focused on this ring of mine that I'm wearing and started to think. I tried to picture my life 30 years from now, 40 years from now. What's it look like?

It's the same story. Teenage girl meets teenage boy, for the first time they fall deeply, insanely and endlessly in love, they teach each other everything about love, they spend their summers beneath the trees, growing together in love. And then, after one year of happiness and joy this beautiful love story ends, because that's what happens with puppy love. Because something went wrong. Because they hurt each other. Because there were terrible actions and even more terrible words. Teenage girl and teenage boy are wounded, they're hurting. And they try to move on. Many letters are written, but never actually sent. Four years apart and not one word is said. Sometimes, they use to see each other in their new lives, but they don't even smile at each other. They are just like strangers passing by. Their eyes meet for a second or two, and there is so many hidden feelings and secrets in those moments that their hearts starts to beat faster, and then these moments are gone.

Five years later, teenage girl is a woman, teenage boy a man and their story is nowadays just bittersweet memories. They have never really forgotten each other, but they're too proud to tell. Then, she meets this other man, this perfect man, who loves her with all her heart. That man is her "Lon", he is just perfect in every way and he can give her a secure, loving and worshipful marriage, and she maybe won't die completely happy but she will die with a confidently smile on her face. He purpose, and she say yes. Engaged and happy, but something is missing. And that's when "Noah" comes back to her life. Or actually, she comes back to his. She just has this strong feeling that she has to meet him, she don't know what to tell him but she know she has to see him, she has to speak to him. So she finds him. She is so sure that he has moved on and forgot her, but by finding him she realize that he still loves her. As she loves him. As she always did. As she always will. They spend some days talking for hours, telling memories, crying, catching up, falling in love (deeply, insanely and endlessly) all over again. It feels like the years in between didn't even exist. Like they're just coming back to each other's arms again after a short break. Everything is exactly like before, like five years ago. His voice. His eyes. Nothing has changed.

And then, after some days living in the past, she returns to her future. To her fiancé.

And that's the whole story.
It's like Notebook, except it isn't. If this was a novel written by Nicholas Sparks, we all know where I would end up. But this isn't a movie. It isn't that predictable. Or easy. It's my life. And the people around me are not actors playing out their roles. They are real people, you know. My fiancé, my ex.

I love them both. I really do. Just like Allie loved them both.
I love them differently, though. But deep in my heart I know which one has the power over my love. I know which one is the one who can make me feel like the teenage girl going crazy.

"The only thing more unthinkable than leaving was staying;
and the only thing more impossible than staying is leaving."

I am Allie, except I'm not. I maybe didn't choose the right one. I didn't follow my heart. I go for the easy way, except there is no easy way. The only thing more impossible than staying, is leaving. I don't have the courage to destroy anything. To destroy it all. To figure it out. I just can't. So here's the deal. If you want something, go for it. Life really is too short to wait. Me? I waited too long, and now it's too late.
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