Thursday, March 24, 2011

our story isn't over


weheartit

You make my head feel like a busy, New York City street the second your name lights up on my cell phone.

It doesn't happen often, and it hadn't happened for a year and a half until recently, but when it does i don't know how to feel.

You were my first love, and first loves are hard to forget. I truly believe that the first person you fall in love with will always have a piece of your heart. It's never whole again- no matter how much you move on, how many more people you fall in love with, or how much you give to the next person- there's something special about the first time you give your heart away. Or maybe it's because your first love usually ends up in your first real heartbreak and you never quite get all of the pieces back.

I don't know what kept me with you for all of those years. I was young, naive, and immature i guess. But i loved you. Oh man, did I love you. I think i would have fought to be with you until i couldn't go on. I would have been content being with you and only you forever and ever. But you didn't feel the same. And to fight any longer would be foolish. You gave up on me not once, but twice, and it broke me down more and more. You treated me terrible in those last few months, as if I were a stranger you never even cared about. You left me a ghost. You left me broken. You left me.

It took so long for me to get back on my own two feet and finally feel anything again. And as everyone would tell me, time did heal. But no one ever really listens to that phrase...time heals. But healing doesn't make it go away, it just makes it bearable. It's like a scar. There's the initial wound and it hurts like hell, almost to the point where you think you'd rather just be dead at this point, and then slowly but surely your cut closes up and then there is the scab. You pick at it a few times and it hurts all over again. And eventually you have a scar, and it fades and fades, but it's never gone. There's always something to remind you.

And then i met him, and he swept me off my feet. He showed me what it was like to truly be loved and he gave me everything you never even thought to give. Everything that hurt finally went away with a flash of his smile and with the touch of his hand I felt like I had found my real forever. A month into the relationship I could see myself with him fifty years down the road. I had never loved someone this way before, not even you. Months in though, little fights started poisoning our relationship but we worked at them. I still love him with my whole heart and i still fall asleep next to him but every now and then you slip into my dreams, out of nowhere, just like in real life and in my dreams I miss you.

I never thought, in a million years, you'd come back to me again. I'm over you, I am, I worked way too hard at it not to be. But when I get a text alert at 2:30 in the morning, and i see your name on the caller ID, my head and heart start a war. I don't think it's love, i think it's missing who you were. I have this idea of you at sixteen in my head but six years later that isn't who you are.

But for some reason tonight, it hit me hard. You know me way too well not to know how to win my heart, even for five seconds. I hate you for making me feel like this. I hate you for what you did to me way back when. I hate you for making me second guess the perfection I have now. I hate you for never really disappearing from my life. I hate you for having the nerve to ever even think I'd take you back. I hate you for your late night texts. I hate you for who you've become. I hate you for it all.

You texted me tonight and said: "I just have a weird feeling that our story isn't over. But clearly I'm the only one thinking that."

And I'd never admit it, to you or myself out loud, but...I've never stopped thinking that exact same thing.

42 comments:

  1. "I don't think it's love, i think it's missing who you were." This is so so true often times.

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  2. i loved the third to last paragraph ("but for some reason tonight...") it was simple, but so powerful.

    i admire your strength.

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  3. the "first love" paragraph reminded me of a Benjamin Disraeli quote that I love. "The magic of our first love is our ignorance that it can never end."

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  4. u need to walk away from what destroys you. with your own strength you could leave, never look back and be happy. its a choice.

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  5. i got goosebumps reading this. my exact story. every part: the breakups, the boy he used to be, first love, the last few months, yet i feel our story isnt over.

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  6. A first love stays in your heart forever, really, no matter what. I Love this story.

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  8. Its all up to you.

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  9. this mind sound really hard, but i think the only way to leave your past behind, because you have now a brighter future, which you hopefully don't want to poison, is to delete this other guy out of your life and don't even give him the chance to contact you ever again. so i guesst this means, change you phone number!

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  10. people seldom change their numbers. They all kinda still want to be contacted. They know its a way in, thats why they leave it. No one changes emails, cell numbers. They set themselves up. They often don't think of the other person in their life. Imagine how the BF in this story feels when the cell vibrates or lights up at 2:30am? No one cares about that part of the equation.

    The only thing I find annoying about lelove, its that it often seems to indirectly encourage infidelity or being untruthful with the existing BF and not the imaginary/old lover. But maybe its simply because I am a guy.

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  11. <3 this blog is the best of all which i found !

    http://kamilciiia.blogspot.com/

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  12. this post rings so true to me, why is it that the first guy that breaks your heart always has SO much power of it. I hate it! and theres nothing i can do about it. Even now, I am with the most perfect guy ever, but I know that if my first heartbreak came back to me and said " i feel like our story is not over", I would be so conflicted and confused between what i know makes me happy and what i think could make me the happiest person in the world. When in reality, I know it will end in heartache, its the could have beens that alway gets to me.

    JSK, could have been, but never was.

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  13. the story wouldn't be over if he didn't leave me...

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  14. There is no doubt you have some elements of “first-love” nostalgia. However, your thoughts suggest there is something more. If you feel something real than you owe it to yourself to figure out what that is. But you if don’t, cut him out of your life, not only for yourself but also for his wellbeing and the wellbeing of your relationship. Nothing will make the road to figure things any less confusing. But hiding from it will only postpone an inevitable conflict. Embrace your confusion, the exploration of it will lead to stronger truths. The only other piece of advice is to stay away for cynical advice.

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  15. Wow, I feel the same way. My first love had so so much power... I have contemplated a number change, but I know once my number changes he wont be able to contact me ever again, and that's a lot to handle. It's exactly as said "I just have a weird feeling that our story isn't over." And that feeling, that small possiblity that he will touch base again... is something that crosses my mind way to often. I dont want him back, yet i still wish he was part of my life in some way. 3 months and counting without him in my life...

    Keep strong <3

    kemmamariew.blogspot.com

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  16. I feel all of this today.

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  17. I know exactly how you feel. Our first love...is just something special. But unlike you, I went back to my ex- and found that our story was in fact over. The past repeated itself and in little time, I knew we would NEVER work out. I don't regret it though because now my heart is at rest, I know there is no story between us. I now can give my heart fully to the man of my life that loves and treats me unlike any other. So maybe your story isn't over...but in more likelihood, it is. That's why it ended in the first place.

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  19. I guess it's true when they say, "first love never dies."
    It does fade however, but there is a possibility of probably falling over again...

    http://jam-speaks.blogspot.com/

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  20. That's exactly how I feel!
    OMG your story is so similar to mine!

    First love (sigh)

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  21. I nearly cried at reading this.
    I am feeling the complete same towards my first love (who was also my first relationship, and who I lost my virginity to, as did he to me). To make a long story short. thank you for this, because, though i am not with anyone right now, i fear that i will never be able to love again. This has helped me realize that i will and that i can.

    I thank you.

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  22. You just said everything I could never bring myself to say. What do we do? The passion, the hatred, the love, the confusion, the nostalgia. It's a lot to handle. I've tried to work it out in my head a million times but have yet to reach an answer. I keep thinking that if I could only find a guy who mirrors the current one you described, everything would get better and I would forget about the asshole forever, but I know that's not true. Just wishful thinking I guess...

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  23. I don't think it's love, i think it's missing who you were. I have this idea of you at sixteen in my head but six years later that isn't who you are.


    omg this is exactly how I feel. same age and everything... wow.

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  24. you are a beautiful writer.

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  25. i think we'd all agree.

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  26. Thank you so much for writing this. I have these exact same thoughts, but I feel so ashamed and can't even admit them to my closest friends because it's been years since my relationship with my first love ended.
    I am completely in love with the absolute best guy in the world, but my first love pops into my head from time to time and i never know or understand why.
    The only way i can find comfort is to smile at the good times we had. I know we'd never have any more if we were to try it again. I know it's over and I know we're better off on our own. But then why can't i fully give myself to the love of my life?
    I hope you find peace and happiness. Thanks again for your raw honesty. xxx

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  27. It's like I just got my whole story put down in words. Couldn't be more exact to what I'm feeling and thinking.

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  28. hey.. i have never left a comment before.. but this is really kind of my story.. and at first i was confused like you too.. but in the end i chose my first love..

    i am happily with my first love now and never regretted my decision..

    i dont know how is your story.. but i struggled with the decision as well.. but as time goes by, your decision will become clearer and clearer.. and u'll be sure of who you wana be with..

    for me, the second guy i was with really isnt right for me..or maybe its only my first love that feels right..

    cliche but true..

    just follow your heart... even if its the wrong decision, u will live w/o regrets..

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  29. if felt like you were describing my story. and writing all those words that are lying hidden away in about a thousand and one word documents all over my computer. i hate him, the peson he is now and yet as soon as he writes to me on msn my hearts starts throwing a fit inside my chest. we should just walk away. we should just choose to be happy.

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  30. I loved reading this, so well written. Best post I have read in so so long.

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  31. you have two options leave him in the past na dmove on.. however there always going to be the WHAT IF? your going to wake up and be 40 and either happy with this man you love now or regretting not going with the what if.

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  32. I absolutely agree, our first love tends to keep the biggest piece of our heart with them.

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  33. this feels like everybodys love story, mine at least. Thanks for putting words to my memories.

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  34. thank you for writing this.
    the same exact think has just happened to me. my heart hurt reading your words.
    thats what first loves are meant for. when a heart gets broken, its broken forever. sure we can have it mended back to together but the fact is its not "unbroken" just mended back together.
    i missed him every day for 3 years. and ever after seeing him i realize i always miss him. but he is not who he was. no matter how much i want him to be. i would rahter miss the old him and remember those memories. then try to fight for someone i don't know anymore.
    and when i say this, i hope to god you hear this because i know exactly how you are feeling....good luck and remember EVERYTHING happens for a reason and it's better to regret doing something then regret missing the chance.

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  35. Your blog is so enchanting! So happy to have found a fellow dreamer and romantic here in blogland. Adding you to my faves :)

    Big hugs from Paris xx

    Camille @ Paris in Pink

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  36. wow! i cried reading this. i can read your feelings. my story is exactly the same. i can't believe

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  37. It can't work in reality, that is exactly what I suppose.

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  38. Really effective material, thanks so much for the post.

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  39. My first love and I just broke up alittle over a month ago and I loved the quote of "our story isn't over yet," as it is exactly what I feel right now. I was her first love too and we shared such a strong connect; passion, love, devotion and constant laughs. The only reason we broke up is because she moved back home (other side of the country) to get her life back on track and get her feet back on the ground. We still talk daily and admit to love, but she fears commitment as she's a free spirit and extremely independent. I know I should try and move on, but there is no one I could ever love like this. In four years after I graduate University, I'm moving to the other side of the country and after I get a job in my career and a place to live, I am going to win her back. Nothing will stop me, I will love her till the day I die, I know she's the only one for me.

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