Thursday, March 31, 2011

our fire never went out


I've always been a die hard fan of true love. I've always scoffed at people who said love didn't exist or love left you with nothing but a broken heart, a carton of Ben & Jerry's, and too many used tissues. I've always hated people who brought up the divorce rate in my face when I mentioned how in love my parents are and how rare at is. I've wanted to punch people in the face who told me that my parents would probably end eventually.

The thing is, I kinda have hard love life shoes to fill. My parents met when they were 15 at their mutual summer resort destination and since then they were head over heels in love. They have been married 24 years and I've never seen two people so crazy about each other. They wrestle and tickle each other and make out all the time, you'd think they were 17-year-olds. They are two of the most passionate people I have ever met and ever since I was 5, I've wanted what they have.

I've always thought that it was a 1 in a thousand chance of finding your true love at 15 and being together for all that time. That is until I met you.

We started dating in sophomore year of high school and god were we in love. We were the biggest abusers of PDA but the truth was we just couldn't keep our hands off of each other. I just didn't think I could be that in love with someone and have it last. Maybe that's what broke us in the end. You didn't trust me with your heart really and I took you for granted way too many times. I assumed that our love could withstand wild fire and you were sure that I'd never leave. But there were other problems too. Your parents were horrible and they caused you to have issues that I wasn't fit to deal with. I didn't know how to make you happy, to make you comfortable in your own shoes. I wanted to know that if I wasn't around you'd be okay.

And like all passionate romances, we ended in the summer a year later. I made the mistake of thinking I wanted to be wild and free and you made the mistake of never moving on. We stayed together off and on forever but we both knew we weren't going to get back together. Something had just changed in us that neither of us knew coming until it bit us in the ass.

I met him and he was sweet. He was nice to me. Not to mention he seemed to be completely stable and something that I could not feel worn down by during the ever tiring junior year. I sound like a bitch writing this and it sort of makes me hate myself, but I guess love can bring out the worst in you too. The truth is I've been with him 8 months and I still can't live without you in my life. Don't get me wrong I love him. Or at least I think I do, but then how does that explain that my heart pounds when you tell me I look beautiful or when you tell me you're mad I go into a frenzy and panic.

People say that true love never really goes away. I believe that the reason I can't live without you is just under my nose, I just haven't come to terms with it yet. Maybe we're done for good. Something tells me we're not. Our fire never went out, trust me. And the sad thing is, I don't know if I'll ever be able to move on...

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