Friday, March 18, 2011

lost love


pink

This could very easily be a yet another story of a breakup. It wasn't the first time my heart was broken and most certainly not the last. I spent the first couple of weeks so angry and hurt. Mostly at myself. For not telling Eric how I felt. Never telling him that I loved him with my whole heart. Also pissed at myself for loving him so much when it was clear he didn't feel the same. After those couple of weeks I fooled myself into thinking I looked forward to dating new people. Looked forward to butterflies & newness. Almost a month had gone by, I was doing fine, and then it happened. Or rather, it didn't happen. My period didn't come. Shit.

I don't know what I expected. I didn't want Eric back. Actually I did. But not because I was pregnant. So I would do it alone. In the few moments before I dropped the news on him, during polite conversation, I wished I could suspend time. If we weren't together, at least we could be friends. But then reality crashed in. I was prepared for anger, yes. But I wasn't prepared for the realization that the man I was in love with was a selfish jerk. That I'd been strung along much longer than I previously knew. I kept thinking that if he only knew how much I loved him he would know that I wouldn't get pregnant on purpose. Sometimes birth control really doesn't work. If he only knew that my ovaries have so many cysts, getting pregnant at all was a feat. That I would never intentionally ruin his life. Nor did I really think his life was ruined, after all I wasn't asking him for a single thing. Yet there I was. About to become a single mom for the second time. And I didn't want that. Not for me or my daughter. I don't want her thinking that its ok to get pregnant as a single mom. Twice. I went for my sonogram. Uterus is enlarged, could be nothing, could be bad. Ultimately I focus on the "could be bad" & decide its in my & my daughter's best interest to terminate.

This is where the real story of lost love begins. I felt it in my heart that I was making the wrong decision. Yet it was the only logical one. How can a mother choose one child over another in the name of being a good mom?! I regret my choice because yes money would be tight, I would be alone, my bear would be jealous. But I would undoubtedly love my baby's big brown eyes wholeheartedly no matter what. I already did. I want my baby back, but I can't undo things. I lost pure love through my own fault. I didn't just lose it. I killed it. Worst part is that sometimes when I'm crying, I just want her father's hugs.

-anonymous

27 comments:

  1. that last line kills me. be strong <3

    ReplyDelete
  2. Oh my god ...
    Don't know what to say, just be strong :(

    ReplyDelete
  3. I am so sorry. This broke my heart. I wish I could give you a huge hug and just hold you in my arms until you felt better. Keep going. You will get through this. x

    ReplyDelete
  4. You are stronger than you think you are <3

    ReplyDelete
  5. That was heartbreaking): Stay strong for your daughter, things will be alright soon<3

    ReplyDelete
  6. Wow this completely broke my heart.

    You were put in a very tough decision and I can't say that I would have kept it either. But the regret is hard to live with but just keep in mind that everything happens for a reason. Everything.

    Try to let go a bad decision. It's hard, i understand- but you seem like a beautiful, strong woman and you will overcome this. All in time.

    ReplyDelete
  7. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  8. You're not alone. I did it before and the pain is still here.

    Even though I have a daughter now, its still hard to forget that bad decision.

    I wish you all the best.

    Big hugs

    ReplyDelete
  9. Has been getting and collecting 420 in envelopes.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Please no matter what you do next, forgive yourself. You already admitted you were wrong. Now the only thing you can do is forgive yourself and grow as person from there.

    Guilt and regret can do horrible things to a person in the long run. I've seen it first hand.

    I don't know you, but I believe in God and I know that your child is now in His hands.

    ReplyDelete
  11. I've come to the page over & over today to see the comments. Thank you for your kind words of support. It's been two weeks, two days since I had the abortion. If it weren't for my daughter to keep me grounded I think I may have gone crazy by now. But I'm counting on time to make the pain lessen.

    ReplyDelete
  12. dear anonymous mom,
    i really hope you get through this. i think abortion it's women's right. but i would like anyone had to do it.
    i don't know you, but i bet there's people that know and love you, and the most important thing i've learned in my bad times, is that i do can count on people. they don't support me to play their role of friends, they support me because they want, because they love!
    count on people!

    i leave you my best whishes.

    ReplyDelete
  13. i've never been through the same thing as yours, but all i can say is be strong :')
    it really breaks my heart to hear your story, but i know you can go through this, just keep on keeping on.
    no matter how hard it is, i know and i believe you can make it.
    hugs for you dear :)

    ReplyDelete
  14. hjerteknusende. hold on, be strong <3

    ReplyDelete
  15. as long as your love is there, you'll be okay. you have a lovely daughter who is very lucky to have such a loving mother. don't punish yourself for this cruel world, and like you said, time will lessen the pain. xx

    ReplyDelete
  16. This is the only post that I've read on this site that has actually made me cry I am praying for you Your child is with the Lord in a better place now I believe you must ask for forgivnes and then forgive yourself. Be strong and remember it is important to surround yourself with people that will love you and encourage you <3

    ReplyDelete
  17. so much love going to you, wherever you are. you are strong and you are beautiful, your daughter loves you more than anything and you WILL be okay.

    thinking of you

    ReplyDelete
  18. Everything happens for a reason, love. It may seem like the wrong decision now, but the wound is still fresh. Trust that you made the right decision. In time, you will most likely begin to see that you really did.

    ReplyDelete
  19. i almost did it.. i post a blog here at lelove on july about my feeling..

    i'm in love with my baby and in love being a single mom..

    you're right though that money can be really tight but for some reason, my true happiness comes from this baby coz i love her daddy a lot even though he doesn't want to see me anymore..

    don't regret anything.. you have to move on.. think about your other baby..

    send you lots of love and hugs from chicago..


    be strong, k?

    ReplyDelete
  20. be strong ! :* you'll be okay ! <3

    http://kamilciiia.blogspot.com/

    ReplyDelete
  21. BEARHUG YOU ALWAYS <3 EVERYTHING IS GONNA BE ALRIGHT :)

    ReplyDelete
  22. I'm sorry I can't be him, but here are some hugs from a girl who had to make the same hard choice (((((((((((((you))))))))))))))

    ReplyDelete
  23. I know. I've been there. It's never the same. EVER. But you'll be happy again. I know you will.
    -hugs-

    ReplyDelete
  24. OMG..this is so pain and touching...it is hurt..i've faced it.

    ReplyDelete
  25. Hoping you are well. If you are seeking healing after an abortion, I recommend Rachel's Vineyard Ministries. They have confidential retreats all over the country. Check them out here: http://www.rachelsvineyard.org/ Wishing you the best.

    ReplyDelete
  26. The dude is totally right, and there is no suspicion.

    ReplyDelete

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...