Tuesday, March 22, 2011

i feel like a fool


I was freaking out the whole time that I walked from my gate to the end of the street. I tried to keep my pace steady with my friend, Sam. Nervousness and anticipation overwhelmed me as the blue car came into view. It was parked to one side of the street. With each step that I took towards it my heart started beating faster and faster. I tired to fix my eyes on something other than the car itself but my preoccupied mind would not let me do so.

I glanced at Sam and judging from her face it seemed that she was as nervous and anxious as I was.

"Oh My God, Oh My God", she cried.
"I know! Oh My God, I can't do this" I said laughing nervously.

Finally we reached the car. A mixture of dread and excitement formed inside of me. Sam shoved me in front of herself. My knees felt weak as I grabbed the handle. Before I could change my mind I pulled the door open and got inside the backseat of the car.

To my surprise, I was face to face with him. My heart stopped beating. This was NOT happening. I was not going to sit next to him all the way to his concert. I could not do this.

I gave him a sheepish smile and greeted him with a muffled "hi." Sam got in the car beside me shutting the door behind her.

He just had to open his mouth, didn't he? Gosh, his voice. I turned my head towards him as he introduced us to his two friends sitting in the front. The instant I met his gaze I turned away blushing.

I tried to calm down. To keep my hands from shaking I buried them in my lap. My heart started beating more rhythmically.

For the next ten minutes neither of us spoke a word except for his two friends who were constantly bickering about something I could care less of.

I guess at this point I should have started some sort of conversation. But then he spoke. A smile spread across his face.

Oh God I thought. Waves of emotions passed through me. My heart skipped a beat. Butterflies swarmed through my stomach as I turned to see his face which was five inches away from me. Oh crap I thought. My heart was pounding so loudly as I struggled for the right words to say. But before my face could give away anything I tore my eyes away from him. I let my hair fall forward to hide my cheeks which burned from blushing.

I couldn't comprehend what was happening. I tired to occupy my mind with other thoughts by talking to Sam. I knew she knew how I felt but being the reserved person I was, I still hadn't admitted it to her.

That was two and a half years ago. The first guy and the first time I ever fell in love with someone. Today, I feel like I fool. For giving someone so much of importance. For trusting someone more than anyone else. For believing every word he ever said to me. For falling in love with him.



  1. This was the perfect post to come home and see tonight. Exactly what I needed and exactly how I feel. Don't feel like a fool though, we all do it. And (hopefully) one day there will be someone who doesnt make us feel like a fool in the end.

  2. completely know how you feel. and ^what anonymous said above is perfect. thanks.

  3. ditto love, ditto
    i got out of my first a couple of months ago, and every day is a god damn struggle.
    it almost makes me want to trust not a single soul ever again...

    why is love so darn beautiful but hurts so freaking bad?

    have to keep the hope alive that one day, out of no where, someone completely perfect for you will show up

  4. it's always beautiful in the beginning, love. so you're not a fool.

  5. love is a learning experience. no one is ever fully prepared for it, you just gotta roll with the punches (:

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  7. For me it's been 3 months since my first love. My life hasn't been the same since I met him....and eveyday he crosses my mind. We grew as friends, learnt everything about each other (weren't together cause of distance) then one day I woke up and knew I was deeply in love with him... And that day he said it first, exactly what I was thinking but to shy to say.... Anyway it's been 3 months since we talked last. Every man I see brings back his memories. Everytime I try to get close to any guy... I get scared and I bolt, find some excuse to not open my heart. I'm trying so hard to get back to me... But when I lost him I lost this part of me, I can't explain it. I'm never myself anymore.... He hurt me so bad, yet a part of me deep down is still in love with him. And each day I do my best to move on, be strong, forgive and forget cause life goes on. In all honesty it's much harder then I could have EVER imagined. I definately feel like a fool for trusting him so much, for pouring out my love to him.....



  8. This picture is by Burçin Esin. I thought you might need to put it somewhere...

  9. Quite helpful piece of writing, much thanks for this article.

  10. Thank you for the article, very worthwhile material.

  11. Of course, the writer is completely fair.


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