Wednesday, December 1, 2010

this secret


Dear B,

We haven't spoken in 2 months - maybe the longest we have gone since we first met each other 5 years ago. I always want to call you, to email you, to message you, but I often restrain myself. You are better off - in your new life on the other side of the world - and I am better off in mine. We don't need each other anymore. We weren't good friends to each other, we weren't good lovers to each other. We are better off apart.

Or, at least, that's what I keep telling myself. And, to be honest, I am sick of it. I am in love with you. Head over heels in love. You are the last thing I think about when I go to bed at night and the first thing I think about when I wake up in the morning. And while I'm sleeping? You're there too - in my dreams. I am petrified of telling you because I know there is no way that we can ever be together. You're gone - stuck in Europe - for the next two years.

I shouldn't love you. I should hate you. After all that you have done to me. Lied to me. Cheated on me. Betrayed me. You were never Prince Charming. Never honest. You were the typical asshole. But, the first time you were honest with you, the time you told me that you had slept with someone else, was the time I realized I was in love with you. That was almost two years ago. I am sick and tired of keeping this secret. I am scared to tell this secret.

So, B, I write you this anonymous letter in hopes that I don't have to tell you that I love you, but in hopes that you will feel it. I hope that one day - despite all that we have been through - that I become as honest with you as you were with me.



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  2. I am somewhat in the same situation as you. You remind me so much of myself and my relationship. I relate to you so much, so I know exactly how you feel! You should talk to him, if you love him this much, even though deep down you know there's no way you can be together, it wont hurt to try, right. I know it may be hard, but you'll get through. <3

  3. Don't do it. Don't talk to him. It has only been two months, it's still too fresh. No man is worth your tears, and your mental & emotional well-being. Don't even spare him words. You know why? Because right now he's doing what hurt you the most: messing around with other women, not even sparing you a thought. Assholes do not change. Chin up honey. Give it 5-6 more months, the pain will become more bearable. My best advice at this time is to surround yourself with friends and family, and for God's sake, go out at meet some fun, new, interesting people that value the gift you really are. You deserve someone who respects you.

  4. I love this photograph, do the photographs get sent in with the stories or are they added later?

  5. Don't even try to talk to him, trust me, assholes like him doesn't change, don't forget that he cheated on you and betrayed you .
    What kind of jerk is he ?
    Seriously ... move on, you deserve better, you've already said that he's better off without you, so drop it and find someone who really treasure you .

  6. Dear C,
    A Big Salutation from BRASIL!

    You are really sick of love, aren't you?

    I will tell 2 things. Are you prepared to listen them? If don't, please, do not read.

    1º) Once in my Life I have learnt this: "who likes, likes to stay together". Did you get it? I will turn it clear: if someone loves you he / she will want to be NEXT to you. Simple like that. A person who runs away does not like. At least, he / she does not like US. Not the way we need or would like to be loved.

    2º) All this passion that you have inside is going to the wrong person.

    All of us have this passion in our heart (we all simply love to be in love), BUT we give this amazing feeling to the wrong goal.

    When I discovered the love for the things of Heaven, for Jesus Christ, my feelings towards the other are becoming so much calm, so full of a great sense that does not matter if someone specific does not love me. I feel comfortable only of feeling it and if I am no able to show my love to this person or to receive love back, it is not the end of the world. I KNOW that things happen with a purpose and God has someone really perfect to me!

    Believe in this C!
    I truly believe this is the answer to your desperation of loving someone so distance (in all the ways): the Faith in the things of Heaven.
    Turn your head to the sky.

    Stay in the Peace of God!!


  7. Wonderful picture.
    Mrs june from france

  8. exactly what i'm hiding inside me. the restraints i'm holding myself back to. not letting her know how much i missed her, how so much i wanted to call and text her and yet i knew i can't and i shouldn't. how i wish she knew how much she make me love her.

  9. I kept a secret like this for 4 years. He's in his new life & I'm in mine but I always want to write him & tell him I love him. Ack. I think we're better off without each other but I do still love him once & a while.

    Melanie's Randomness

  10. I guess that's love, you never know what's the right thing to do..

  11. signs are whether he flirts back, and takes extra special time out of his busy schedule to meet/talk to you.

    chances are that, if he doesnt know you like him, he may not respond in the fashion you desire either.

    if the signs are right, and you can feel a similar affection, tell him in a tactful manner, dont come across like not seeming like you are needy or anything - but you just do like him for him. matter of factly, but not like you cant do without him.

    then back off a little and see how he responds. if he does like you, i'm damn sure he will uber nice and be looking for you (:

    if not, it's been 5 years, don't waste your time anymore move on babe (: you probably need to tell him and get the closure you desire anyway. if you dont shoot, you can't score right?

    All the best! (:

  12. This made me sad. :(
    I usually write letters like these, but hide it.
    I often fill out notebooks with this kind of letters.
    Now, I know where to post them.
    I think posting it somewhere, where other people know your story, is somehow liberating.
    Its like "telling" him in a far less difficult manner.

  13. sigh smiles and sick to my stomach sadness , I feel the same just different not europe . Its amazing how I can read something and its someone Ive never met seen or talk to but they feel what I feel , read my mind my heart. We must stay strong , surround ourselfs by friends family , and maybe find a constintcomfort somewhere else but , I know and you know that no one will ever even compare to there arms . There a emptyness we feel but reading stuff like this make me able to endure this pain .. silence is killing me but its the strongest silent confession to make to the mr .
    Stay strong stranger .

  14. Amen to the person who wrote the third comment. I couldn't have said it better myself!

  15. thats right!
    the third comment says all that is to say!
    i know its hard to hear and even harder to accept it, but you really deserve someone you respects you and who is worth your love.

    i wish you all the best, c!

  16. Do you have a grab button?? I would love to add it to my blog- let me know


  17. I'm in a very similar situation as you, C. My ex and I had broken up for more than 8 months and sometimes it still hurts very much. Wanted to contact him, email him because I miss the intimacy and closeness we once had. But then, as time goes, the pain does become bearable and it becomes a part of life.

    Stay strong.

  18. story of my life...
    it's been five months. only, he's the cheater, the liar and the whore wanting me back. however he's been back before and i took him back several times for him just to bring me down lower. except, its never been this long, and he's never been so persistent. i want to believe its real. but,

    i don't know what to do...

  19. ;( that is horrible, I feel the exact same way, he treats me like shit but yet I keep coming back xx

  20. There is so many of you guys, whos feelings I understand... 5 months and I think that I will never be able to forget or stop loving... He want's me back, mut he has hurt me so many times... But still loving and thinking every second <3

    Nnni from Finland

  21. hugs. such a heart-wrenching/relate-able situation. sigh.

  22. That's so strong and brave of You.

  23. why don't you love YOURSELF enough to fall in love with a decent guy.

    You love a betrayer, cheater, liar, and obviously self-absorbed asshole.
    Think that clearly!

    That's not love. That's a call to self-abuse because you don't think you're worth more.

    Learn self love first. Than a wonderful man, a loyal and trustworthy man, will stroll into your life.

  24. I recognize myself so much in this text. It's just like me and my ex, he cheated, lied and betrayed me, but I still love him. I love him so much. I'm afraid to tell anyone because everyone I know hates him deeply, because he has done me nothing but pain. But still, I love him.
    How can I let go?

  25. when i read your words, i felt all this pain rush to my heart all over again. I am currently going through the same thing. But i was stupid enough to call and email back. And he still hasnt changed...I know you love him but maybe thats enough? You can love someone but you don't have to be with them. Well at least, that what I tell myself everyday. You deserve someone who will love you the way you love them. Nobody deserves this type of pain from another human being. Your heartful words were beautiful.

  26. I hear you....sigh..... I just got out of a four year relationship and he cheated on me too... sigh.... There's a shift that takes place when you actually realize that you deserve what you want; fidelity and honesty and love. There's an important shift that takes place when you actually realize that your sadness is connected to a truth, a 'story' that never existed. This perfect man that loved and adored you was actually not the man that you were with. Once you realize that you're not mourning the man, we're actually mourning who we were and how we felt in the relationship and if anything we should celebrate! We should leave feeling proud. We have the ability to feel, to be true and the bravery to surrender ourselves to love and that takes an enormous amount of courage, especially after you've been burned. We deserve someone with the same courage and gosh darnit, I will find that man and marry him :) and I believe you will too.
    xx tash

  27. In my opinion one and all should browse on it.


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