Tuesday, December 21, 2010

it was real.


ffffound

You were my first man. There have been lots of boys, and I loved them in an immature first love kind of way. But you were the first real thing. When we first met at a party, the connection was instant, but you left for the summer and the timing wasn’t right. I thought about you while you were gone, and we kept in touch even though we had only met once. Then you came back, and everything fell into place. It was so easy. One date and that was it. No games. No guessing if you liked me, no decoding your text messages, because I knew. And you knew. We would stay in bed until 4 if neither of us had class, making love, laying, talking, laughing. You were so sweet, and I was so consumed with love and excitement and happiness. I remember telling my friends about you, I couldn’t even think about you without smiling. My parents could tell this was different. Once I overheard my dad telling my uncle that he knew this was real, and how happy he was to see me with someone who treated me the way a dad wants his daughter to be treated. You were always scared that he didn’t like you because you were older, but I think your maturity was part of what he liked about you.

The summer came again, and you had to go away for work. I went home with you before you left, and I remember when you dropped me off at the bus station how scared I was to be without you. I was crying and you were there to wipe the tears away. It was the worst bus ride, all I could do was think about not seeing you for four months. I’ve never missed anyone like I missed you. It really did feel like part of me was missing. I think it was harder for me than for you because you were out on the road, and I was at home living our life only without you there. I missed everything about you. The way you smelled. The way it felt to lie beside you. Your jokes. Your laugh. I felt like I couldn’t laugh without you there. We talked on the phone and on skype, and we tried to keep the intimacy alive even if it was through a computer. It was a long summer, and when it got close to you coming home I was counting down the days. I wasn’t even tempted by other guys, you were all I could think about. I remember the night you got back, and I got rid of my roommates and planned a romantic dinner, and right before you got there I found a mouse in my kitchen. I had planned to jump on you and kiss you the second you walked through the door, and instead you found me terrified and flustered. But it didn’t matter. As soon as you were there it was like you had never left. And we were happy. And a month or so passed, and we did all the things we used to do. And it was perfect.

And then one day I woke up and it wasn’t. I can’t remember when things started to come undone, I don’t think it was any single thing, just our whole world. It was so gradual that I didn’t even notice it happening, but all of a sudden it was there. Or I guess it wasn’t there. The butterflies were gone. I used to hate how you would never fight with me and just let me win instead because I wanted the passion of the anger. Then we fought once. And then again. And then all we did was argue. Over nothing. Over everything. I don’t remember when we stopped making love, but you noticed and it made you insecure. And then we fought about that and it made me insecure. It was like we were going through the motions, nothing really changed except me. I wanted to want you like I used to, but between school and work and life somewhere I lost us. One night we were watching tv and I realized there was almost a foot of space between us. We used to cuddle so much sometimes I couldn’t tell which arms were mine. We talked about it, and we said we would try to make things better, and for a little while we did, but nothing really changed. I think I knew the end was coming, but couldn’t admit it to myself, or to you. Especially not to you. I think you knew too. You said all you needed to be happy was me, but I was the one who was making you hurt. One night we fought for so long, and then I let go of everything and we made love. And it was real, and it was passionate, and it was us. And I thought maybe that would make things better. And then within ten minutes, we were somehow angry again. I think that is when I really knew. Christmas break came, and we hoped the space would give us time to think and to miss each other. We said we would come back in the new year and start fresh. But when I got home, I met someone else. I’d always known him, but never really looked. It was just a crush, not what we had, but it reminded me of all the excitement and butterflies that I wasn’t feeling anymore. It became so obvious that we were done that I could finally say it out loud. At first I only said it to my close friends, and then I realized I had to say it to you. I couldn’t wait till we were together because you were going to spend so much money to travel and see me and I knew I couldn’t ask you to do that. So I called. My stomach was in knots. I tried to plan what to say but as soon as I heard your voice I couldn’t remember. We made small talk, and then I just blurted it out. And once I said it, it was there. I don’t know what I thought you were going to say, but you didn’t say anything. The silence was the worst part. You said you had to go, and that was it. over a year and it was over in 20 seconds. You called me the next day and we said all the things we were too scared to say before. It hurt like hell. It still does. You told me I was giving up on us. I guess I did. But we weren’t really us anymore.

You said you were going to leave town, you only stayed because of me anyways. Hearing you say that made me feel so alone. And I was scared that I would regret this, and you would be gone and it would be too late. I guess I just have to live with that now.

I hope you know I tried. And that I loved you. I really, really loved you, with everything I had. I couldn’t have asked for a better first real love. Im sorry that you got hurt along the way. I hope you don’t think I threw everything away. I think we just outgrew each other. I know it’s going to kill me when you find someone else. Seeing you hold her hand. I used to ask you “what are you thinking about right now?” whenever we were laying in bed. I still wonder. I probably always will.

It was real.

36 comments:

  1. I cried just reading the title and first sentence. I'm going through a break up with the first real man I've ever been with and the first real love. Not an adolescent connection, but a mature intimacy. A romance. A completely consuming love.

    But, we're not together anymore. People change. Or, in our case, I think we maybe didn't. We just were different people all along. Fighting to make it work. Good people, trying to be good to one another. But it was too hard.

    There's at least something every single day that makes me think of him. It's painfully piercing. I miss him.

    It was real, too.

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  2. Im going throught this as well, it hurts so much but he gave up on me.

    so im here, i asked him for another chance and one last chance .. i dont want to let go yet not yet not today or tomorrow.

    hes my one ans only , my real first love too.
    so here i am begging him and begging myself not to give up.

    not yet.
    just another try, and when it happens it happens.

    not yet. ilove him.

    i love your story.

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  3. I am crying reading this.I am going through the same thing right now, and it hurts so much.I am not in love anymore and I am going to hurt him. Can´t stand the thought.

    And everything used to be so real...

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  4. you know how your face gets tight just when those tears are about to come...well that's how i was the whole time reading this. But yet, what you had sounds beautiful just by reading.

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  5. I hate reading this yet I love what you wrote. I am also going through this. After a four year old relationship my boyfriend said he didn't feel the same anymore. Yet, he says he cannot live without me. I don't know what to do, or say. But you gotta fight for it right? I'm a fighter.

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  6. That´s me... I feel everything has changed but I don't know when that happened. We don't make love anymore, after 3 and a half years of love - I don't feel like in the mood. I feel like everything is falling apart and I'm the only one who notices it. But I can not talk to him about this... he says they are "silly thoughts" - don't know what to do, I'm tired of fighting.

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  7. probably one of the best pieces I've ever read here.

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  8. My gosh this made me cry...
    http://www.hushforfashion.blogspot.com/

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  9. Too good..... This is one of the best things i have ever read in this blog. It was very sad. And i can understand what is going in your mind right now , i can understand your feelings , your PAIN. And the feeling of LOST LOVE.. he was your man , the first man in your life whom you loved so much. But now may be Love is faded. Now you dont feel the butterflies any more. Now you dont have that intimacy. .. I wish you will find your LOST LOVE VERY SOON. May be very soon you both will love each other like before. .. I also wrote these kind of sad love stories in my blog. May be they are not too good. Do check my blog once if you like it then be my follower.

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  10. "Then you came back, and everything fell into place. It was so easy. One date and that was it. No games. No guessing if you liked me, no decoding your text messages, because I knew. And you knew."

    Amazing, it's as if I had written that statement. I'm going through the same thing, with my first love. We're different, but we're also so alike. We just broke up about two weeks ago. It's been so hard.

    I found this quote by Elizabeth Gilbert that sums up a lot of what I felt through the break up: "The only thing more unthinkable than leaving was staying; the only thing more impossible than staying was leaving."

    I read Le Love once in a while, but it's been really helpful since the break up. It's comforting to read that others are going through your same experience, that others can feel your pain.

    Everything always works out, we just need patience. Day by day...

    Thanks for this text. It's beautiful <3

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  11. I had the same thing. After more than a year the feeling was gone. And I also met someone else. I didn´t break up because of the other guy. I looked at our relationship and noticed I wasn´t in love in more, but still love him very much.
    It´s been a month now and it´s still hard.
    It´s so hard to do, but it was the right thing to do. He deserves better, he deserves someone who loves him

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  12. 'And then one day I woke up and it wasn’t. I can’t remember when things started to come undone, I don’t think it was any single thing, just our whole world. It was so gradual that I didn’t even notice it happening, but all of a sudden it was there. Or I guess it wasn’t there. The butterflies were gone.'

    thats exactly how it is. realest thing ever written on lost love

    http://sartorialme.blogspot.com

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  13. this is perfect really <3 what's most important is to be happy for the fact that you experienced it instead of sad because it's over. i really really hope that i get to experience love like this one day.

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  14. Im also going thru this, life is crazy and people do fall out of love or out grow each other.

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  15. My heart had burst into sorrow whilst reading your blog.

    Love lost is a tragedy, full stop.

    I know Love will find you again, and this time around it will stay.

    Break ups are hard, but the pain of staying when you know something isn't right is ultimately harder.
    I commend you on your ability to let go, because if happiness isn't there anymore, there's no other reason to stay, no matter how comfortable and familiar you think you feel.

    Best of luck, and thank you soo much for your story.

    Lola
    xo

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  16. wow..this was touching... i cried

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  17. This text fits right into my life. The first love. Fighting against this feelings, i dont know what to do.

    You thought you where written in stones but then something takes another direction and it all change. Thats life. Sad but still true.

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  18. i just wanted to let you know i read and took part of your story.

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  19. Your story touched me and brought tears to my eyes because it reminded me of my own story. My highschool boyfriend and I were in love and our relationship lasted over 4 years. During that time, we broke up 3-4 times but would always end up back together. We thought we would try and fix it; it worked...for a while then the fights would begin, the silence, the feeling of being trapped in a relationship. We tried but ultimately ended up completely breaking up. This happened a year ago. I still miss him. A part of me is still so in love with him even though I'm dating someone new. If I ever saw him again, I know that all that love would come rushing back regardless of the bad things we put each other through. I would do it all over again.

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  20. I still wonder about my first love too. It hurts, but it makes me smile that it happened <3

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  21. so sad... while i was reading this... i wanted to cry

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  22. it was touching and dramatic and i cried. but i didnt cry over your story. i cried over my empty life which has never given me a chance to feel something passionate and real...

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  23. Sincere. Still, it comes to my mind: "why is it everybody start thinking about love when it's lost?".

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  24. Great post. Hoping you don't have to go through this too many more times. :)

    I decided to step away from romantic love three years ago...haven't found my way back since. Sadly don't think I ever will.

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  25. It's not easy being the "other guy". I want her, but I can't tell her how many ways I think I could do better for her. She has to decide that for herself.

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  26. Wow. someone else is going through this too, i have recently been in this situation and can only say i understand what it means to love someone so much but to have grown apart.. and the selfishness of not wanting them yourself but not wanting anyone else to have them either, i think it's the fact of first love that makes things so hard but letting them go is truly i believe the best thing to do. Treasure the memories you had with him and keep him in your heart because he will always have a special place and then let it go, move on and grow. No matter how hard you did the right thing.

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  27. When love is lost... U just have to let go and move on, am in a relationship am happy and am sad, am kind of in-between. I hope i will be strong enough to let go someday.

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  28. Each day you spend in a dead end relationship, a golden opportunity with someone else passes you by.

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  29. i know the feeling. my boyfriend and i of 3 years just broke up. i thought we were going to get married, we were so good together, and it was so real. we started long distance, then moved closer, then in with each other. same as you, it was amazing from the beginning, then once we moved in, i think we just realized we were very different, same long term-goals, but our short-term goals were very different. we have a hugely different approach to life and the way things get done. and i was hurt that i was not involved in his family and friends. it hurts so much when its someone you love so much. it's hard because i'm still in love, i just hoped for my requests to be accepted...but they weren't. and i cant ask anymore. there's no one else i'm interested in, just me, but now, i really just need to focus on me...

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  30. http://itmeansforever.blogspot.com/

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  31. Hi there!

    I’m Alexandra Oliver, designer from Brazil. I really like your work so I featured it in my blog itsallaboutconcept.wordpress.com with a link to your page of course.

    If you have any problem with that just say it, and I’ll remove your work from there. If you want to be featured again send me your art and I’ll publish it.

    Best regards and keep up the good work!

    Alexandra Oliver
    oliver.alexandra@yahoo.com.br

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  32. Your story was so truthful, simple & REAL.

    It's believability lies within its no frills approach. Stripped back to basics, this execution strikes home in a way that leaves every nerve exposed & raw.

    Drenched in sadness & honest to the core, this is blog writing the way its supposed to be.

    To hell with grammar! I'll take an vibrant stream of consciousness any day!
    :-)

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